Hey!
Have any of you ever had a friend or a work mate who also writes, and knowing that you like to write, they like to make you feel as if you can't write at all and like to act as if they are something better than you?
I don't know what to do because this person is really effecting my writing and I feel too self conscious now to write at all because she always tries to make me feel as if I have no talent.... :( Any advice on how to deal with such a person?
Thanks! :)
This is a bit of a difficult question. It is difficult because (sensibly) you haven't put in much information. This means that a response can only really be in the form of a generalisation.
That said there are two things that seem to be apparent.
1. Knowingly or not this person is harrassing you. That means that, again knowingly or no, this person is a bully.
2. You appear to be being bullied - which also means that you are allowing yourself to be bullied.
The second point is not negative about you. It may (or may not) be a statement of fact. The first thing to do is to recognise the fact. The second thing to do is to act upon it.
An action I would strongly recommend is to discover whether the Trades Union UNISON still do their excellent book about bullying and harrassment - if they do - get it and read it... I would recommend everyone on here to take a look at this book - it modifies even the nicest peoples' behaviours - for the better.
You don't state clearly whether this person is a friend, colleague or whatever.
I think that mostr people would agree that no friend bullies - and therefore no bully is a friend.
A colleague falls into an entirely different catagory - one that I am more used to dealing with as I was a Health & Safety Rep (RMT). As far as possible you have a responsibility to not permit a colleague to adversely affect your work environment and specifically not your health or safety. You have a responsibility - to yourself, your colleagues andn your employer - to not let this person affect either your quality of work or the company's performance. If this person is in any way doing any of thes e things you have a responsibility to tell them that you don't like it and that you want them to stop. You then have a responsibility to make them stop.
Making a person stop is not necessarily an easy thing. Being nice and being reasonable do not always work. A polite request to him/her may only result in more nastiness. This should result in a direct request to desist. If that doesn't work three times the persons actions amout to harrassment. You have a duty to yourself and a responsibility to your colleagues and employer to take action against harrassment.
YOur company should have both a line of management and some level of Health and Safety Management. YOur company has a legal requirement imposed on it to protect your hea;th and safety - and that includes protecting you from harrassment - of all kinds - it does not have to be related to the job. Do not let any manager tell you that it is not their problem.
Of course I would also say that if you have a union - and the reps are any use - you should seek their support. Again it does not matter if the topic of harrassment is nothing to do with the workplace - the harrassment is occuring at work. Therefore you are protected by law and a good union Rep will either know this or know who does within the Union. They can act on your behalf.
If your direct line manager fails to act correctly you should put a complaint in writing. If you7 do you should keepm to facts (preferebly with some times and dates and details of specific events as far as possible). A written complaint puts pressure on your manager to act - and correctly. (You should be able to state accurately that you have askled the person to desist, where and when).
If your direct line manager doesn't act you take the matter up to the next level.
If you persistantly fail to get a satisfactory response you should take the matter up with the Health& Safety Executive. You can finf their local office by a search on line.
It should not need to go that far. You should be being clear enough in telling the culprit to stop and telling your managers what the rpoblem is and what you want them to do about it. The basic thing that you want is for the harrassing activity - and anything related to it - to stop.
It will not help your case if you spend every break and mealtime chatting with this person. Accepting that this might be difficult to avoid you should at least refuse point blank to discuss anything about writing with the person. If they then persist in raising the subject or force conversations about the subject with others - especially if they overtly do it to be unpleasnat to you - that is a further level of harrassment that you should raise with your managers. There is simply no reason why you should tolerate bullying. The person should, if needed, be disciplined.
Thye first step is therefor to take what action you can to stop the activity that is causing you distress.
While that may not work, or may not work as well as you like, if you do not do that no-one else can do much to assist you.
You should not be rude, unpleasant, nasty or anything like that. Be polite and firm. If you can break contact with the person. Even if that can only be done as far as minimising how much you talk to them - which can be achieved by saying "I don't want to taal to you". You don't have to give a reason. You can state that the rerason is because of their conduct but do not get into a discussion about that.
If the person starts being nasty directly or indirectly - especially if they try to turn others against you or make derogatory remarks about you - that is harrassment - again - time, dates and events count. If you can get witnesses. Make formal complaints to management.
In all this - does it matter if nthe person "doesn't like you"? Do you want to be liked by a bully? Do you want to put up with being harrassed as the price of being liked by this person?
There is a whole lot more I could generalise about... But I will leave that part as it is for now.
Something that I would like you to think about though.
As a Rep dealing with cases of people being harrassed I have always found that the biggest problem is the person being harrassed. This is usually (almost always) because they "don't want to be a nuisance" and/or they "don't want to complain". I have had to tell a number of people that they have a straight choice. They take action or they put up with what will continue. UNfortunatey my experience is that about 70% opt for the second option - no-one can do anything to assist them. Why should anyone put time and effort into someone that won't help themself?
So - after that tirade - I hope that you will stand up for yourself and tell the person to stop... and if they do not - then take the appropriate further action.
Do let us know how you get on please..
David
My experience of peer-review sites is that it's often people with the least apparent talent that make the most vociferous critics. I'm not certain whether they have an inflated belief in their own ability, or see something they instinctively know is better so make every effort to tear it down through a misguided sense of fear, or jealousy.
We get quite a few of the former in the horse world, colloquially known as All The Gear, No Idea. (I'm sure other sports suffer this, too). Of course more experienced owners and competitors rarely poke fun as they know the over-riding (no pun intended) philosophy of sensible riders is 'There But For The Grace Of God Go I'
If this person has never offered to let you see her writing, while she's read yours, ask yourself why. If you have read hers and you believe it's better, then improve your own. If you've read hers and it's worse, it's the fear and jealousy syndrome so ignore it.
In the end it really all comes down to how much you want to write. I think you'll carry on :)
It does not really matter what they think at this point.
If the reasons why you write are still there and you enjoy it then keep doing it. Until we are all published we do it for the love of writing, what you think must come first