A MAN OF LETTERS by Janet Webster
Day Thirteen: The usual assortment of junk and potentially interesting mail includes: one charity bag, two take-away menus and three letters. I keep the charity bag to be turned inside out and used as a bin liner (unless Cynthia decides I have things that should be got rid off), and put the take-away menus into the recycling bag (Cynthia does not allow processed food into the house except in extreme circumstances such as during power cuts and Christmas). Ignoring the Mr and Mrs letters, I tear open the long white envelope addressed only to me; the fact that it is hand-written seems a good sign. My optimism lasts just as long as it takes for me to realise it is stamped second-class. I read the letter carefully to be sure, read how sorry they are, how my previous experience is not quite appropriate etc. etc. They close by wishing me luck etc. etc. When I file the letter away I note that of the thirty-six applications I’ve made so far, only three have been acknowledged. Manners are not what they were in my day.
Day Twenty-nine: ‘Not to worry love,’ I tell Cynthia when she arrives home from the office, ‘something will turn up.’ I watch as she nods enthusiastically and notice that the accompanying smile isn’t reflected in her eyes. To cheer her up I point out that in the meantime I’m getting the hang of being a house-husband and have done the washing. The smile disappears as she points out that the clothes are still wet and I have shrunk something called a shrug. While she throws the salvageable garments into the drier I set out the meal I have prepared. After we’ve eaten she tells me it reminded her of Goldilocks and the Three Bears – “overdone” (steak), “underdone” (boiled potatoes) and “just right” (tinned peas). She adds that she has to go out for the evening to visit a sick colleague. ‘Not to worry love,’ I tell her as I log on to the Jobcentre website.
The job application process varies only slightly between companies: CV, Application Form or Letter, CV and Application Form, CV and Letter, Application Form and Letter. Sometimes paper; sometimes e-mail. Some companies require you to register your details on their website and complete on-line aptitude tests before they will accept an application. I don’t bother with those; apparently I don’t have the right attitude for aptitude tests. Whatever the application process, it always includes an Equal Opportunities Monitoring Form. This is easy to complete: Name, Ethnicity, Gender, Age, Sexual Orientation and Disability. I’m not sure what purpose this form serves, it doesn’t form part of the application process and has “I prefer not to say” options.
On the application (CV or Form) there has to be a Personal Statement, (sometimes called a Personal Profile or Key Attributes), this is the hard part. The advice is to tailor the personal statement to the vacancy in question; to show why I am the best person for the job, to state my strengths and experience. Depending on where I read this advice I should describe myself using words such as “dynamic”, “motivated” and “results-orientated” or avoid describing myself using (overused) words such as “dynamic”, “motivated” and “results-orientated”. I should support each statement with examples. Describing myself as ‘organised’ is not sufficient, I have to show how I am organised, (I should probably not mention the washing). I should be “a team player who works well alone” and always, always, state what benefits I would bring to the company.
APPLICATION FOR THE POSITION OF AREA MANAGER
Name: Peter Forrester, Ethnicity: White British, Gender: Male, Age: 46-55, Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual, Disability: None.
Personal Statement: As a former manager in the banking industry I have extensive experience of managing staff and business interests. As an organised individual (must remember Cynthia’s instruction to fold the clothes when dry) I am able to ensure that departments run smoothly and that projects are completed in a timely manner. I am the author of the commercial white paper ‘Generating Leads in Loan Finance through Technology’ (1986) which was circulated extensively within the banking community. I am a skilled mathematician with expertise in controlling large budgets and investment management. I believe my experience would allow me to introduce efficiencies into your company.
Day Forty-eight: Advice to job seekers also suggests keeping copies of each application, the date of the application, the name of the addressee and the outcome. Thus I should be able to save time by cutting and pasting parts from one application into another (providing of course they are suitably tailored to the job in question). I will also avoid the risk of looking foolish through applying for the same job twice or by forgetting the name of the person to whom I have applied. This particular advice I find patronising and ridiculous since a) if I have not got the brains to remember having applied for a job how can I think I could do it? And b) surely the person to whom I apply will state their name in an acknowledgement? In any case I did not get where I am today without knowing to keep records (I am after all organised).
Today I computerised my records; Cynthia has been complaining about bits of paper everywhere. I’m surprised she’s noticed, what with her being out visiting her sick friend most evenings. Cynthia says it is “time to be realistic” and that “with no real prospects of employment” I would be happier if I kept my records on the computer where she didn’t have to see them. I evaluate my options over a cup of tea and two chocolate digestive biscuits (not being sure whether biscuits are processed I hide the packet behind the food-mixer that never gets used). I conclude that I will broaden my search parameters. On the internet I read that the modern approach to the personal statement is to write in the third person, avoiding the use of ‘I’. This strikes me as an impersonal personal statement but after two-hundred and seven unacknowledged or rejected applications I am willing to give it a go.
Day Forty-nine:
APPLICATION FOR THE POSITION OF MANAGER
Name: Peter Forrester, Ethnicity: White British, Gender: Male, Age: 46-55, Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual, Disability: None.
Writing the personal statement in the third person whilst tailoring the application to the job in question (Manager of an unprepossessing supermarket in the rough area of town) proves harder than expected. The lesser requirements of the job mean I am over qualified for the vacant position and have to be sparing about my skills and achievements. Eventually I come up with –
Personal Statement: A former manager in the banking industry with experience of supervising staff and business interests. An organised individual able to ensure that departments run smoothly and efficiently. Experienced in compiling financial reports would enable my smooth running of the supermarket.
It is only after I hit send that I realise I forgot to give an example of how I am organised and that my attempt to maintain a third-party style means my final sentence doesn’t make any sense.
Day Fifty-six: (Three-hundred and twelve applications). After re-evaluating my prospects and having eaten half a packet of chocolate digestive biscuits I decide to experiment with equalising opportunities in my favour.
APPLICATION FOR THE POSITION OF MANAGER
Name: Peter Forrester, Ethnicity: British, Gender: Gender re-assigned, Age: Prefer not say, Sexual Orientation: Prefer not say (gender reassigned?? how could I say??), Disability: None.
APPLICATION FOR THE POSITION OF ACCOUNTS SUPERVISOR
Name: Peter Forrester, Ethnicity: Prefer not say, Gender: Male, Age: Prefer not say, Sexual Orientation: Prefer not say, Disability: None.
APPLICATION FOR THE POSITION OF ACCOUNTS CLERK
Name: Peter Forrester, Ethnicity: Prefer not say, Gender: Male, Age: Prefer not say, Sexual Orientation: Homosexual (I hope I won’t have to prove it), Disability: Prefer not say.
Day Sixty-two:The usual assortment of junk includes a ‘twenty-percent off a meal for two’ voucher for Pizza Hut. The voucher is valid for 28 days but is almost certain to lie unused due to the possibility of them using processed cheese. In any case there would probably be only one of us – since Cynthia’s friend Chris has taken a turn for the worse I hardly see her. The potentially interesting mail turns out to be a bank statement which shows a lot more money going out than going in. Consequently, in desperate need of a job before my redundancy money is all spent I determine to make my next job application stand out from the rest.
Day Seventy:My attempt to make my application stand out worked insofar as it prompted a response. Unfortunately the fact that I am a ‘Wizard at Word and excel at Excel’ “suggests that I do not have the appropriate qualities” etc. etc. I have registered unemployed at the Jobcentre – after being interviewed by a ten-year-old I discovered that I will not qualify for any benefit until the payment I received in lieu of notice is exhausted. I have been given an appointment for two weeks time so that I can complete a “job-seekers agreement” and told to have a look on the internet for advice on completing a CV. Cynthia did not say anything when I told her; she seemed intent on sorting clothes for the charity bag.
Day Seventy-one: Cynthia has left me. Instead of coming home from work she sent a taxi driver with a letter and instructions to collect two suitcases from the spare room. Apparently she could cope with my being “between jobs” but not with me being unemployed. She has gone to live with her friend Chris.
Day Seventy-two: It looks as if I will be able to collect job-seekers allowance before the payment I received in lieu of notice is exhausted; Cynthia has withdrawn all the money from our account.
Day Seventy-three: I am the talk of the village and have been for some time. Cynthia’s sick friend is a) Christopher not Christine, b) not sick and never has been and c) is a thirty-two year old body-builder she met in the fruit aisle at Sainsbury’s. On top of that I do not qualify for job-seekers just because Cynthia has taken the money so have no means of paying the mortgage. I have nothing left to live on or for.
Day Seventy-three: (evening) I would have committed suicide earlier but I couldn’t get the pills; Asda wouldn’t sell me more than two packets of paracetamol, I was too embarrassed to go into Sainsbury’s and the chemist in the high street was shut by the time I got there. I suppose drowning in the bath would be a peaceful way to go but this is out of the question – Cynthia had it replaced with a walk-in shower two years ago. Other methods seem either too painful (hanging from the banister), or too impractical (I only have an electric razor and where could I buy a gun at this time of night?). Having to stay alive for now, I make myself a cup of tea, get out the chocolate digestive biscuits and log on to the Jobcentre website. I am mocked by the statement “Finding a job can be a challenge” but then I have an idea……..
APPLICATION FOR THE POSITION OF JOBCENTRE ADVISOR
Name: Peter Forrester, Ethnicity: White British, Gender: Male, Age: 46-55, Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual, Disability: None.
Personal Statement: After seventy-three days of unemployment I have extensive experience of applying for jobs. As an organised individual I have created a database record of over three hundred applications for employment. I have excellent writing skills through having revised my CV details for each application. I believe my experience would allow me to offer advice tailored to the person in need.
I hit send and go to bed. I don’t bother to put away the biscuits.
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