CHAPTER 1
The shadow of a woman, with a soft face, long dark hair, red lips, pale skin and she had a glow to her. Who was she? Why was she sent to her was yet known but to unravel throughout her life and then she would understand her purpose in life.
She grew up in a small town surrounded by lakes, fresh air, beaches and all wildlife you could think about. She lived in a town with a population of 16,500 people. The town was small but safe and secluded and most that lived there lived a sheltered life and didn't know any better unless they had the opportunity to leave and have the experience of reality and how crazy the real world was.
Her name was Raylynn Blum. She had a special gift, and since five years old she realized it but never told a single person. She had beautiful blonde hair, thin, big brown eyes and dimples on each cheek when she smiled. Raylynn couldn't really describe or make out the special gift. It was a shadow of a woman who always followed her and was there but for what reason was the unknown to her.
It first was discovered one day as Raylynn was playing with her brother, Eric one day outside. They were playing hockey on the street with some neighbourhood kids. A car raced around the corner and they jumped out of the way. The car smashed into the cars on the street and they realized it was their father.
He got out of the car staggering with blood dripping from his head. As he came closer to them they could smell the foul smell of liquor. He was a taller man, with a thin build, dark black hair, blue eyes with a tattoo of barb wire and a dagger running through it on his left arm .He was a cold hearted man with little compassion for anyone including his own family. His name was Jake. He was very selfish, and only did for himself. He talked a lot of bullshit and most people who knew him, knew what he was all about and didn't like to be in his presence.
The neighbours were all on the street looking. They were so humiliated and more so for their mother who came running up to the street to see if we were okay, to see her husband like that must have brought so much shame and embarrassment to her Raylynn could even feel her mother’s heart break.
Thank you so much for the feedback. This is my rough draft, I am on chapter 7 and working away on it. I do see your point and its always good to hear other peoples point of view greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Nicole
I like it. I want to read more...
This is good. I like it. I have a few issues, which are the length of some of your sentences. fx.
"The town was small but safe and secluded and most that lived there lived a sheltered life and didn't know any better unless they had the opportunity to leave and have the experience of reality and how crazy the real world was"
and
"They were so humiliated and more so for their mother who came running up to the street to see if we were okay, to see her husband like that must have brought so much shame and embarrassment to her"
To me these sentences feel long and heavy. If you divided them into two, I feel they would stand stronger.
I'm thinking
"The town was small but safe and secluded. Most that lived there lived a sheltered life. They didn't know any better unless they had the opportunity to leave and have the experience of reality, how crazy the real world actually was"
To me this would stand stronger and be easier to read. You have a very captivating language, which makes these sentences rub me the wrong way. I have to read them twice to capture the content of the sentences. It's not something you have to fix now, but you should probably keep an eye on it when editing. Other than that, I like it very much.
Keep working :)