Haven't been on here to comment for a while, as I'm presently re-drafting the book.
Any comments would be grately appreciated.
*****
Waiting... © Sarah Neeve
YA Fantasy Romance
*****
Part 2
The wind had increased by the time she’d reached her stop.
She stepped off the bus and was bombarded with icy bullets which stung her face. Pulling her scarf tighter she cursed her luck and started off towards the home.
Her progress was slow and arduous. The houses were morphing into one constant row of red bricks, fused together by the blinding veil of snow. If it wasn’t for the odd Christmas tree or fairy lights in the windows, she wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.
‘Christ, I hope I won’t get lost out here.’
Eve fought against the storm. Each tiresome step which carried her closer, her heart protested loud and fast, pounding in her chest. She decided to stop for a second or two and catch her breath.
She cupped a hand over the face of her watch and turned her back to the bitter wind.
“Shit, quarter-past-six. Kim’s going to kill me.”
She spun quick on her heels and started to run the rest of the way, hoping she wouldn’t slip over.
*****
The home loomed ominous through the thick sheet of snow. Exhausted from running she came to a halt at the gate. She took a few deep breaths and walked up the path towards the front door.
She made one final attempt to steady her nerves and shook the snow from her coat. Breathing deep, she raised her hand to the handle. The door flew open and she stumbled back in surprise. There in front of her stood Kim, her face all pinched and red with anger.
“Eve,” Kim growled. “What time do you call this? It’s a funny four-thirty.”
Kim’s stare penetrated her resolve, and a flush of guilt reddened her cheeks.
“W-well I, you see…”
“Don’t try and give me any of your excuses,” Kim shouted, before giving her a chance to explain. “Just go to your room.”
Eve squeezed past her and headed for the stairs.
“Shoes,” Kim bellowed, and slammed the front door.
After yanking the shoes off her feet she ran up the stairs. Kim’s moans faded in the distance as she reached the top.
“Christ that was lucky,” she mumbled, but knew there were bound to be repercussions later.
She headed to her room. Her thoughts lingered on her impending punishment.
“Shit… I’m really sorry Eve,” Sam said, crashing into her.
“Don‘t worry, I‘m fine.” She picked up her bag which had been knocked from her shoulder. “It was my fault, I should pay more attention.”
Sam raced off down the corridor, her blonde wavy hair flowed behind her like a bridal veil.
“Why the hurry Sam?”
“I’ll speak to you later,” she shouted, ignoring her question and disappeared around the corner.
“Catch you later.” She mumbled to herself.
It was wrong of her to think she’d be forgiven so easy, and she couldn’t blame them if they’d decided to punish her.
Eve flicked on the light switch and closed the door.
The room greeted her with it’s usual spartan glory - dull but practical - she’d never been a fan of clutter. The only addition, a poster of two fluffy grey kittens stuffed into a pair of rubber boots.
She removed her wet coat, hat and scarf and hung them on the hook, happy her neatness could never get her in trouble.
Eve collapsed on the bed and dropped her bag to the floor. She stared at the ceiling and smiled.
Her room was her safe haven, a place to escape.
An unwanted reminder slipped into her thoughts. This was also the place where the nightmares haunted her.
She would wake screaming, covered in sweat. But the memories would never stay long enough for her to remember them.
What could be more frightening, she thought. The fact of never remembering, or the intense horror which ripped through her body when she woke. It made her skin crawl thinking about it.
‘A game of solitaire seems good right now.’
*****
Someone knocked on the door disturbing her concentration.
“Who is it?” Eve asked, not wanting to speak to anyone at the moment.
“It’s Kim. I think you and me need to have a little chat.”
She sighed and took her time, making Kim wait.
Kim barged in and spun round to face Eve. Her mouth open ready to talk.
“Look, I’m sorry. I was late, and well… time seemed to fly past. But it’s blowing a blizzard out there, which made the bus late because the roads were so slippery. And today is my birthday,” she blurted out, and turned her red face to the floor hoping Kim would go easy.
“What’s the matter Eve, no colourful lies to sugar-coat your lateness for once.”
It appeared telling the truth hadn’t worked either.
Eve raised her head. The skin around Kim‘s eyes looked wrinkled. Due to her deep frown and knitted brow.
She let her eyes wander, not daring to stare too long. The pressure of Kim’s folded arms pushed up her large chest to touch the sagging jowls of her neck.
All hope of redemption appeared lost.
“Eve this has to stop. This isn‘t a hotel where you can come and go as you damn well please.”
Tears formed in Eve’s eyes and clouded her vision. She was crying and she didn’t know why, as the last time she could remember it ever happening, was at the age of ten.
But then, what with recent events and her usual aptitude of mucking things up, maybe it'd help plead her case.
She stifled a sob and wiped the tears on the sleeve of her jumper.
Kim‘s scowl vanished. “What shall we do with you? Come here silly.”
She walked towards Eve and grabbed her in a tight hug, almost suffocating her in the process.
Eve tried to talk, but not one single word was coherent enough to understand through her frantic sobs. She let go of her pent-up tension and surrendered, her body shook as the tears flowed.
“Now, now, you’ll make my blouse wet. Dry those pretty eyes of yours,” she added, brushing the hair from Eve’s face.
The scent of violets and rancid sweat wafted up to greet her, as she lifted her head from Kim’s ample chest. Her nose wrinkled in protest at the unpleasant smell.
“You’re all red and puffy.”
Kim released her from her grip and the putrid aroma dispersed into the air.
“Go and splash some water on your face. I’ll give you fifteen minutes to calm yourself down, then come and see me in the living-room.” She walked towards the door. “But Eve, no longer,” she said without looking back and with that she was gone.
“Shit you’re a coward,” she said groaning.
She wiped away the last of the tears and headed to the little sink in the corner of her room.
Tiny jack-hammers pounded relentless at her temples - one of the reasons why she hated to cry. The other reason: she thought crying was a weak flaw, designed to disarm an opponent.
What could she say; it’d worked.
“Kim wasn’t wrong, look at me,” she said moaning.
The whites of her eyes were raw with red veins, but there was something different about them. The emerald green of her irises were pulsating with tiny flecks of gold, which glistened in the dim light. She’d never seen this before and turned away shocked.
Hesitant to look again, her curiosity over-powered her fears and pulled her back towards the mirror.
She closed her lids tight, and her long wet lashes tickled her skin.
‘This is crazy.’
Her heart faltered, a flutter of nervous excitement spread through her body as she opened them again. Her excitement soon waned when she saw nothing there, her eyes looked the same as they always did.
“Had to be the tears.” She grumbled.
Splashing some cold water on her face, she thought it was best to forget the whole strange episode. There wasn’t any time to linger, Kim would be waiting and she didn’t want to be late again, well, not twice in the same day.
As she reached the bottom step she peered down the corridor. The door to the living-room was ajar. She paused, not sure whether to enter or not, but the image of Kim tearing her to pieces jumped into her head and she soon changed her mind.
Eve pushed open the door and entered at her peril.
“Surprise.” The voices rang out, reverberating round the room.
She slouched her shoulders. She looked at their happy faces and felt guilty. But not so much to allow them to sing ‘Happy Birthday.’
“Wow… err… thanks,” she said, trying to hide her discomfort. “You shouldn’t have… done all this.”
Eve stared bewildered at the balloons and streamers which adorned the ceiling and walls. Wishing it was a nightmare, she hoped if she pinched herself she would wake up back in her room.
Her cheeks burned. With slight trepidation, she scanned the room. Her eyes froze on the three girls who stood in the far corner, Jasmine, Rachael and Louise. The bane of her life. Their scathing glares made her wince.
They’d been whispering about a party this morning at breakfast and she knew it couldn’t have been this one.
“Sorry.” She mouthed, but the gesture proved futile. ‘God. How was I ever friends with you.’
She turned away and caught a glimpse of Sam, her face alight with a massive smile.
‘That’s why you were in such a hurry.’
In response, a weak smile curled the corners of Eve’s mouth.
“Well… better late than never.” Someone sniggered.
Eve spun round.
Jason, one of her friends stood behind her.
His eyes sparkled with an impish grin, and she found it hard not to smile back.
Every time she saw him he appeared older, and didn’t look anywhere near the age of sixteen. His lumbering height was a major factor, but the strong chiselled features of his face gave him an air of seniority.
His eyes were a different story altogether. A beautiful deep chocolate brown in colour, encased in long lustrous black lashes. Powerful magnets with the ability to draw you in.
“Yeah that‘s right. Take your time.” Jasmine scowled, and broke the spell she was under. “Some of us have more important things to do.” She stroked her flawless jet-black hair.
Jasmine seemed to appear from nowhere.
Eve couldn’t help but notice the tight, gold-sequined party dress which hugged her perfect figure. By the looks of Jason, neither could he.
She aimed a sharp jab to his right arm.
“Ouch, what did you do that for.” Jason yelped, and rubbed his arm.
“Because you’re staring.” Eve tried to mumble so Jasmine wouldn’t hear.
“It’s hard not to,” he said, glaring at her.
Rachael and Louise sneered at her. All three of them reminded her of the witches in ‘Macbeth,’ and she pictured them huddled over their cauldron casting some evil spell.
“Why me,” she said. ‘Please, why won‘t someone stop this.’
The lights went out and the room was cast into darkness. Eve could hear the sound of their groans and giggles all moulded together into one unusual noise.
Someone coughed behind her. She turned her head and saw the corridor illuminated with a flickering golden light.
‘Oh please no.’
In all the din, she’d failed to notice Kim creep up on her. But there she now stood with a huge birthday cake resting in her hands.
“Out of the way Eve,” she said, with a glint of happiness in her voice.
Resigned to her fate she stepped aside and let Kim enter, unable to stop herself from counting the eighteen candles as she walked past.
Before she even tried to protest an ear-splitting rendition of ‘Happy Birthday’ was sung.
‘Just kill me now.’ Wishing the ground would open and swallow her up.
“Blow them out Eve, and don’t forget to wish for something.”
It was Michael, Jason’s double and collaborate in crime. The homes resident practical joker and the last in her trio of friends.
“For crying out loud can‘t you go any quicker.” The unpleasant tone of Jasmine’s voice broke through.
Eve hurried to blow out the candles, glad no one could witness the red tinge on her face.
She bent over ready. Something about the flames held her attention and she found herself staring into them.
Images began to appear, hazy and fractured at first, but as she gazed deeper her eyes widened with fright at the picture emerging before her.
People in strange clothes were running everywhere, terrified - burning and she sensed their horrified torment. The heat scorched her skin with each lick of the flames. Their piercing screams of agony echoed in her ears.
It took every ounce of strength to tear her eyes away.
The blood coursed through her veins icy cold. Every hair stiffened to attention all over her body. She felt the colour drain from her face, as the whooshing in her head spun the room out of control.
She was losing consciousness.
The last thing she saw, was the brown carpet as it raced towards her and she crumpled in a heap on the floor.
“Eve, what’s the matter?” The voice whispered, as everything turned to black.
Hi Sarah
I can understand the need for adding in some background colour. The reader likes to visualise where the protag is and what they're doing, but I do feel they need to be introduced to the protag first and the surroundings second.
Everyone will have a different view on this, and you will end up pulling your hair out if you try to accommodate everyone. LOL
You are the author, it's up to you to decide what feels right for your story.
Thanks Cathy for your comments.
After receiving critiques on another site, the opening scene was added because people wanted to know about her surroundings and the sense related feelings that accompanied it. I hear where you're coming from, and I always accept any comments in good faith, so I'll take another look at it.
I'm glad you liked the idea, and thanks for your kind words.
Sarah :)
I saw your post about people helping out fellow writers and while I'm new to the boards, and new to criting (so take everything I say with a huge pinch of salt) I agree with what you said.
so here goes...
You have a lovely way with words, your description of a busy Norwich street takes me right there, but (and you knew there was a but) who cares?
Readers don't give a damn about about busy streets, and noise and colour (later, yes, but not now, not in the first Chapter.) If the story is about Eve then I want to know about Eve straight off. Make me like her/hate her. I want to be invested in what happens to her and, by default, what happens in your story
Here is where I think your story begins, the point where you drag me, as a reader, in:
Eve could still remember the first time she heard the strange noises in her head, and getting told off for screaming out loud in the middle of the packed shop. After three more occasions, they placed her in therapy, and she thought it best never to speak about it again.
I do like the premise. You have a great story to tell and skill enough to tell it.
I wish you luck.