I've been asked to provide 500 words of my novel for a workshop. 500 words isn't very much, most pieces of action are longer than that, it takes a lot more than that to build tension or do really anything at all it seems. I searched and searched for something which could be be shown in its entirety or at least close to its entirety and I chose this:
Jenny gave Mike's plate a covetous look. 'So are you going to leave that then?'
'Christ, I was just taking a sip of my tea.' He plonked his mug back on the stained Formica table and held out his fork to fend off any advance towards his All Day Breakfast. 'You'll be stealing the clothes off my back next.'
She wrinkled her nose. 'Wouldn't suit me. It's just that if that was going to waste, it would be much better if you gave it to me now rather than later when it'll be too cold.'
'Would it now?'
'Yes, really.'
He impaled the sausage and bit off its end. 'But I thought you said that I had to build up my energy for act two?'
'Act three,' she paused to watch the waitress who was trying to squeeze through the gap between the tables, 'we've just had act two, or didn't you notice?'
'Sorry, how rude of me.'
'Yes it is and if you were any kind of gentleman you'd have offered that sausage to me as well.'
He bit off its other end and winked at her, 'And if you were any kind of lady...'
She stuck her tongue out at him.
On a triangular wooden shelf set high up in one of the corners of the café, a smeary old T.V was showing a news channel. From where Jenny was sitting it was difficult to see because the light from the flickering strip light overhead was reflecting off the screen. She leant over to see if she could see it better.
‘You’re itching to know aren't you?'
'Of course, wouldn't you be?'
The expression on his face went blank; as if a cloud had passed between him and the sun, blotting out any contour of emotion. 'Not really. In my job there are some things you need to forget and that was one of them.'
He shook his head as if to rouse himself and held up his mug. 'I need another one of these, do you want another coffee?'
She declined.
He ambled over to the back of the queue at the counter and she shuffled herself into the seat next to hers so she could watch the TV better. Mike returned shortly, brandishing another mug of builder’s tea and a handful of cellophane wrapped biscuits.
'I didn't know which ones you'd want so I got one of each.'
'You superstar, custard creams!' She scooped up the pack and tore it open with her teeth. 'I wish I hadn't said no to that coffee now, I’ve got nothing to dunk them in.'
'Don't worry I'll get you one.'
He started to get up but she reached over and rested her hand on his, 'No you won't, the queue's too long now and besides...'
'Besides what?'
'I thought you might let me use yours.'
Sorry Frank. I should have explained myself. I've been asked to provide 500 words of my novel for a workshop. 500 words isn't very much, most pieces of action are longer than that, it takes a lot more than that to build tension or do really anything at all it seems. I searched and searched for something which could be be shown in its entirety or at least close to its entirety and I chose this.
I read this and waited for something to happen. And nothing did. I suppose it is well written as we would expect from your pen.
But it certainly does not set the world on fire. May be I am wrong when I think you should be putting something exciting and thought provoking up for critique. As a piece in mundane life it does pass the test. But I do not get anything going on other than someone enjoying a naughty sausage.Try reading this short story I stumbled across on the Net.
It is quite black and quite brilliant and what I would expect from anybody wanting to entertain an audience with a short story.
http://zombiesintelligently.com/vignettes/the-refrigerator-of-a-man-whos-about-to-kill-himself/
As I keep saying. You write what you write and do what you do. But if you read "THE REFRIGERATOR OF A MAN WHO’S ABOUT TO KILL HIMSELF" a piece that is buried on a website on the Internet and compare it to what you have offered us to read. I am sure you will come to the conclusion you could do much better.
My point is, we don't have much time to read short stories poems etc. So I do expect to be entertained, thrilled, when I read a poem, a story or instalment even if it is taken from a larger work.
Maybe I have totally missed the point of publishing your work. Maybe it is about grammar and the objective of the story what ever that means. But for me I do not have time for dull. If I am reading something it better entertain or provoke something otherwise I lose the will to live. I do not comment on everything that is published as we have enough people doing that.
But I believe Phil you can deliver much better than this. Which in the end is the point of putting stuff up for critique.