The ring of falling metal outside the grocers on High Street made the queuing customers aware of a happening in the road. The screeching of brakes and the single scream that followed, underlined the fact that the “happening” was ongoing. By the time most people in the grocers and the adjoining shops had pushed their way outside to look, the scene had been set.
First impressions were horrific. From under the front of a double decker bus, all anyone could see, was parts of a bike with a boy’s legs and feet outstretched like a snake’s forked tongue. The boy lay still, silent and somehow small on the road giving the impression the bus was disproportionately massive. Adding to the unreal feeling surrounding the situation, escaping steam hissed from the radiator cap (which had been shaken loose by the brutal braking) shrouding the moment in a ghostly fog.
It looked as if a horror writer had decided to splash his imagination across High Street, with the unrestrained flair of an experimental artist who might ride a bike across his canvas of wet paint, just to shock and be different. Somehow none of this was real. However, reality has its own way of making people obliged to accept it.
The people from the shops only saw the frightening end-result, whereas the unlucky pedestrians already on the pavement (ordinary men women and children who until then were only interested in getting home, finishing the shopping, chatting or queuing for that very bus) were instantly punched from their ordinariness into someone else’s hellish nightmare!
None of this was by way of invitation. They were forced to observe that
The ring of falling metal outside the grocers on High Street made the customers in the shop waiting to be served, aware of a happening in the road. The screeching of brakes and the single scream that followed, underlined the fact that the “happening” was ongoing. By the time most people in the grocers and the adjoining shops had pushed their way outside to look, the scene had been set.
First impressions were horrific. From under the front of a bright red double decker bus, all anyone could see, was parts of a bike with a boy’s legs and feet outstretched like a snake’s forked tongue. He lay still and silent, with no apparent signs of life. The massive size of the bus dwarfed the victim, which added to the theatrical effect created by escaping steam shrouding the moment in a ghostly fog. Steam that was hissing from its radiator cap, which had been shaken loose with the intense shuddering caused by the brutal braking.
To an inventive mind, it could easily have looked as if a horror writer had decided to splash his imagination across High Street, with the unrestrained flair of an experimental artist who might ride a bike across his canvas of wet paint, just to shock and be different. Somehow none of this was real. However, reality has its own way of making people obliged to accept it.
The people from the shops only saw the frightening end-result, whereas the unlucky pedestrians already on the pavement (ordinary men women and children who until then were only interested in getting home, finishing the shopping, chatting or queuing for that very bus) were instantly punched from their ordinariness into someone else’s hellish nightmare! None of this was by way of invitation. They were forced to observe that
Hi Paul, maybe you could post a longer extract from your novel? The story is certainly gripping so far, so, go on, whet our appetites with a few more pages!
Speaking personally, I'd omit that first paragraph and launch straight into the action. The reader can pick up the setting as they get caught up in events.
Also I would prefer one of the characters in the tale to be the voice of the events unfolding, rather than a distant narrator viewing the happening from above (as it feels to me at the moment). Short sentences lend impact. Dialogue gives authenticity.
Good luck!
Paul, I suggest you re-write this piece through the sensory perceptions of a character. What did the character, see, hear, taste, smell, feel. It's not advisable to use more than two/three sensory perceptions at a time.
I would concentrate on what a character saw and heard from in and outside the shop. Blood, mangled bike, boy's legs, sirens, comments of bystanders, dialogue between characters, distraught bus driver, cries of the victim, if they are alive and conscious.
A screeching of brakes alerted (main character, Winston Smith) in the grocers shop to a frightening prospect. An ear-splitting scream confirmed his fear. Winston hurried outside to discover what had happened. A horrific scene greeted him. A mangled bicycle and boy's legs trapped beneath the front end of a double decker bus. The bus driver motionless in his cab with his head in his hands.
Winston asked a woman with a young child, 'Did you see what happened?'
'The bus,' she said. 'The driver was going to fast.'
Over to you, Paul.
I hope my suggestions help.
Good luck.