I had uploaded my prologue a while back and gotten feedback! I took it all into consideration and made some minor changes. Although this is not the full prologue, I'd like some more advice. Please read on and let me know (be brutally honest, my seventeen year old heart needs some truth)
Prologue:
The day had slipped through the fingers of time much like water often slips through ours. The consequence was unwanted, but inevitable- night. She was sat in his car; a wordless trip to wherever he had set his mind on. After being cooped up in that monochrome building where room after room seemed almost identical, she couldn’t blame him for wanting some kind of adventure.
“So, where are we going?” Summer asked as she tugged on the strings of her earphones.
“Somewhere you should never know the name of.” He shrugged carelessly.
“Well what good is it if I can never go back?” She pestered.
“When you experience something special, you aren’t meant to relive it. Only remember it.” He said and rolled down his window. “You, my love, will never forget this.”
A cheeky grin overtook his face as he pulled a cigarette from his pocket.
“Light it, darling?”
“What?” She asked him, disgust evident in her tone. Harry had never smoked. Ever. The thought crossed Summer's mind that he might have been doing it behind her back. She saw red at the mere thought of it.
“Why couldn’t we just try it?” He looked over at her with one hand on the steering wheel.
“No.” She said stubbornly. “And look back at the road, you idiot.”
“Why not?” He asked.
“Why would I aid your death?” She scowled.
“Why wouldn’t you aid something unavoidable?” He reciprocated. Silence filled the car and Summer felt a sudden need to roll down her window.
“Maybe because I don’t want you to go first.” She said after a few moments of waiting for her heavy breathing and adrenaline coursing through her veins to subside.
“Love, there is no way I would let myself survive more than a minute without your spirit readily available in this world. You’d rather me die first than me hang myself with a smile on my face, wouldn’t you?” She cringed at his vile use of words.
“Hell no, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Throw that bloody thing out of the window.” She scrunched her nose. He chuckled beside her as he flung it onto the abandoned strip of road. No matter how much or how often he laughed, Summer could never get used to the sound. If an angel were to sing to her at the same time as he laughed- she would probably insist that the angel shut up.
“Alright, love. You know I’d never smoke anyway- I just like testing you.” He winked as she swatted his arm playfully. She felt his hand rest on her thigh and a familiar warmth spread throughout her body. Her heart fluttered even though it was the thousandth time he’d done this. His long thumb painted strokes through the fabric as he sped up along the road.
“I know you do. It’s on the top of the list of things I hate about you.” Summer said.
“Is it now?” He asked, moving his hand further up her thigh.
“Yes.” She tried to sound confident but her breath hitched in her throat and it came out as a squeak.
“If you say so” He chuckled darkly and removed his hand. She glared at him and he put his hand back, trying to hide his smile.
“Where did you get that piece of crap anyway?” She asked.
“The cigarette? I took it from Louis.” He laughed. “I’ve been stealing a few each day so he thinks he smokes half a pack a day, but actually is cutting down.”
“Smarty-pants” Summer laughed at her own cheesy quip. “No, seriously. That is smart.”
“I know.” He said simply and then shot her a cocky grin before bursting into laughter with her.
“The sun is going down.” He stated.
“No!” Summer said sarcastically and raised an eyebrow at him but then added, “Yeah, it’s quite pretty isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is.” He agreed. “And no, I’m not going to tell you that you’re prettier than the damn sunset.” He teased.
“I wasn’t expecting you to!” She lied and felt her cheeks turn crimson.
“We’re here.” He said abruptly. She felt her eyes widen as she took in the sight of the colourful rays of sun reflecting off of a large, abandoned lake.
“It’s time.” He smiled, intertwining his fingers with hers.
“Time for what?” She studied his face intently, determined to find out what was happening.
He said nothing, but jumped out of the car and rushed to open her door for her instead.
Hi Zahrah,
Brutal honesty, eh? I'll tell the truth (as I see it, obviously) but I won't be brutal, there's no need. Well, maybe just a small amount... but I hope it helps.
The Title 'The Abyss' is quite striking, and tends towards drama, so I'm expecting a story that leads towards the dramatic. I fully accept it could be an abyss in emotion between two people, however.
The prologue is pretty much from Summer's pov, she's telling us and we're hearing her thoughts throughout. So is the opening sentence her thoughts, or a universal narrator telling us that? It's quite lyrical, and I assumed this is the slant that Summer puts on things? Is it trying a little too hard? The rest of the piece is very contemporary with modern idioms, so it's just a small question from me, since it seems to be trying a little too hard to get a picture over to us. It's only a nitpick, honest.
How can it be a wordless journey when they talk so much?
So: dialogue and punctuation marks... when the speech is ascribed to someone (said,asked, agreed, stated, etc) the sentence will end either in a comma or a question mark, not with a full stop. A full stop is used when the speech is not ascribed. A few examples:
“Well what good is it if I can never go back?” She pestered.
“Well what good is it if I can never go back?” she pestered.
“When you experience something special, you aren’t meant to relive it. Only remember it.” He said and rolled down his window
“When you experience something special, you aren’t meant to relive it. Only remember it,” he said and rolled down his window
“No.” She said stubbornly.
“No,” she said stubbornly.
“Why not?” He asked.
“Why not?” he asked.
And so on. You do need to address those. Perhaps, being honest, I think you might rein in your tendency to use other words rather than said or asked. A small smattering of attributions is fine, but in this piece (in order) you've used: asked, pestered, said, asked, said, asked, scowled, reciprocated, said, said, asked chuckled, asked, laughed, laughed, said, stated, said, agreed, lied, said, smiled. Perhaps one of the 'smiled' wasn't an attribute to the speech, but I thought I'd be brutal for a second... Oh, missed 'teased' as well...
Robert Ludlum hated the use of the word 'said' and he sold millions of book, because his stories were gripping dramas with remarkable characters, But it did stand out: in The Bourne Ultimatum there's one I had to scratch through with a marker pen: '"I repeat," repeated Alex.' Ludlum got away with it, but today, an awful lot of editors don't like it - personal experience talking there, I'm afraid, of a manuscript I submitted a few years ago, and was told in no uncertain terms to stop doing what you're doing... But it's your need to attribute every spoken word to the person uttering it that seems to hamper the dialogue, when there's only two of them in the scene. You're 'telling' us too much, as well, when just a word could do it so much better. For example, here's yours:
“Light it, darling?”
“What?” She asked him, disgust evident in her tone. Harry had never smoked. Ever. The thought crossed Summer's mind that he might have been doing it behind her back. She saw red at the mere thought of it.
“Why couldn’t we just try it?” He looked over at her with one hand on the steering wheel.
“No.” She said stubbornly. “And look back at the road, you idiot.”
“Why not?” He asked.
“Why would I aid your death?” She scowled.
“Why wouldn’t you aid something unavoidable?” He reciprocated. Silence filled the car and Summer felt a sudden need to roll down her window.
“Maybe because I don’t want you to go first.” She said after a few moments of waiting for her heavy breathing and adrenaline coursing through her veins to subside.
Does it read any better/snappier/more logical like this?
“Light it, darling?”
“What? No way!”
“Why couldn’t we just try it?”
“No. And look back at the road, you idiot.”
“Why not?”
“Why would I aid your death?”
“Why wouldn’t you aid something unavoidable?” .
“Maybe because I don’t want you to go first,” she said, agitated at the thought.
It's certainly easy to see who's speaking, isn't it? Adrenaline coursing through her veins is a little cliched, sorry, and what you put told the reader everything, left nothing to their imagination at all.
The thing that bothers me a little, is how unrealistic their conversation becomes at times. I fully accept that people may talk in the way these two do, but they're young (I assume) they're in love, been together some time. Of course he could be planning to drown her in the lake and hide her body in a deep abyss, for all I know - this is the prologue after all - but for us to believe in and accept these characters as such, you need to clear up some of the stilted conversation. The opening, for example:
“So, where are we going?” Summer asked, as she tugged on the strings of her earphones.
“Somewhere you should never know the name of.” He shrugged carelessly.
“Well what good is it if I can never go back?” she pestered.
How does not knowing the name of a place prevent her from ever going back? She has to know the name of it nto find it again? What does that say about her? She's not familiar with the area, or at the very least, looked out of the window during the journey at the signposts going by??
And then he says this:
“When you experience something special, you aren’t meant to relive it. Only remember it.” He said and rolled down his window. “You, my love, will never forget this.”
I thought 'this man is a total idiot, or a frigid intellectual trying to impress the girl with complete nonsense dressed up as an observational philosophy'. You're not meant to relive anything special?? What?? You only have sex once in your life? Only hear music once in your life? Only eat/drink that incredible food once in your life? And so on, for every special experience in your life, then remember it, rather than seeking it out again? Is he a Tibetan monk? Or is this a dystopian post-1984 world rigidly controlled, somehow, so sensory experience is banned? Is that brutal? Hope not, it's just incredibly unrealistic.
BUT.... later on he says: “Why wouldn’t you aid something unavoidable?” in response to her asking why she'd aid his death. At that point I rather hoped she'd pull out a gun and do it... almost. Again, it's such complete claptrap, that I'm getting the idea he's mentally unbalanced and is going to drown her in the lake. If he is a serial killer psychopath then I do apologise and congratulate you on doing a fantastic job of leading me down that path.
Just a little more 'telling' that might tighten up the story, if it was removed. See what you think.
“Smarty-pants” Summer laughed. “No, seriously. That is smart.”
“I know,” he said, smiling. “The sun is going down,”
“No!” Summer said, raising an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, it’s quite pretty isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is.And no, I’m not going to tell you that you’re prettier than the damn sunset.”
“I wasn’t expecting you to!”
Summer felt her cheeks turn crimson.
“We’re here,” he said abruptly. She took in the rays of sun reflecting off of a large lake.[YOU CAN'T ABANDON LAKES...]
“It’s time.” He smiled, intertwining his fingers with hers.
“Time for what?”
He said nothing, but jumped out of the car and rushed to open her door for her instead.
Can I ask is the cigarette thing has any relevance elsewhere in the story? Or Louis? If not, what are they doing in the prologue? If they're there to inform of Harry's character, they're doing an interesting job (on me, anyway) because they're showing him up, terribly.
As I see it, the prologue is to tell us of Harry and Summer going to a lake hidden away somewhere. If it's too cluttered with detail, people will skip it (there are debates on the internet about whether prologues are any use or not) since apparently, a lot of readers ignore them, and start at Chapter one. At the moment (work-in-progress, I know) it's not that interesting, not enough of a hook. I'd suggest shortening it, so you can get to the action where she drowns him in the lake, having played the innocent, but wanting revenge for the way he dumped her twin sister, who committed suicide, distraught, and she's hidden that so well. Or... whatever action is coming. We do need some, soon, or our interest will wander. How about this?
"We're here."
Summer woke and lifted her head drowsily from Harry's shoulder. It had been a long drive and she had no idea where they were. Peering through the windshield, she saw a large lake, bathed in the rays of the dying sun.
"Where are we?"
"Somewhere special," Harry said. "Come on."
He got out and walked round the car to open her door.
Brutal Rant over, hope it helps!