AGEING
Those dreaded cracks, how many times have I smoothed them over! No amount of cement can conceal this ever crumbling home.
The face in the mirror stares back at me, no more gleaming eyes that sparkled with awe and light, the exuberance of youth fades as the tired soul replaces this fate.
Sigh, sigh, sigh as I run my fingers through the dim grey roots of an ageing forest vainly thinning, signaling the inevitable morbid truth of mortality.
Washing another night away I caress my face, my eyes stinging from the lack of rest. Internal monolog kicks in as it's not uncommon for one to talk to themselves. There is a heavy brick that is sitting on my chest and I reach in to my soul and push it off.
So tired, too tired, I need the motivation to go on. Retired, without a purpose, the silence sings my song.
To say ''I wish'' is the beginning of regret. But I do, I do wish, I wish I wasn't alone.
All those years of committing my life to work, little time did I make for love. A pessimist I am, for how could anyone love a man when his priority was to earn.
Respect was all I asked for, making a name for myself in the sand, not realizing that the tide would erase it away and another name would it replace.
Staring down on to Camden road, watching the rows of red buses. People from different walks of life continue their journey awaiting for day to turn into night.
I grab my jacket and walk down the street, blending in. This mind is so tired of the negativity, the lack of energy and the meaningless existence of humanity.
Pulling out a chair at the cafe I look around for a familiar face, but none is there to be seen. I order my coffee and look around, people on their phones head down, no eye contact just to set the scene.
Then walks in an elegant woman , she catches my eye, her eyes are gleaming with light and life. Like me she too has the war marks of life on her face, her hair pinned back with assorted shades of grey. Optimism creeps in, and I feel hope coming out on display as I smile at her, in hope she will walk my way.
She sits at the table next to me and orders her coffee, a weak latte.
I feel my heart beating faster, as courage wants to be brave. So I say the words "Isn't it a nice day ?''
I hold my breath awaiting an answer - one that won't hurt my pride or cause me shame.
She pauses for a second and looks me in the eye. I feel the smile on her face as if it were telling me her life.
There was no response to my question, instead she gave me her name. "Edith" she said. "My name is Edith"
"Jonathan. Nice to meet you."
"Would you like to join me? unless you are waiting for someone?" I said nervously.
"No. Just me. And yes it would be nice to have some company" said Edith.
I pulled out a chair for her to come across to my table. She sat down.
Our coffee now delivered and the waitress turns back round. We nervously stare at each other and then the conversation commences, the plans for the day, where we came from, our families, our life history, as we sum up the incoming information from each way.
She looks at her watch as it has been an hour since we met. She thanks me for the company and she walks away.
That hour with company was joyous for me, another person to speak to was what I needed. I walked home pondering on the next occasion that I may strike up a conversation.
I'm not too old to be part of the community, there is plenty for me to do and see, if I can get rid of my negativity and find some social activities? I don't want to be alone and depressed, if this is all the time I have left. Life doesn't stop just because.
I have time.
Those dreaded cracks, how many times have I smoothed them over! No amount of cement can conceal this ever crumbling home.
But it doesn't matter how I appear, as I appear no longer alone.
Yes, it is sad and depressing reading. But lots of interesting imagery. I especially liked 'the heavy brick...sitting on my chest'.
I would have expanded the meeting/conversation with Edith (they meet for an hour!) and Jonathan's reactons afterwards. But perhaps the intention was to keep it low-key.
I think there's a hopeful note at the end: he's made the first move into humanity again. He actually plucked up the courage and spoke to someone - and found that he's not the only one who is retired and feels useless and used up.
Putting my editor's hat on, there are some issues:
'this ever crumbling home' - 'this ever-crumbling home'
'as it's not uncommon for one to talk to themselves' - 'for one to talk to oneself'
'A pessimist I am'; 'another name would it replace'; 'Then walks in' - rather Yoda-ish
'There was no response to my question, instead she gave me her name. "Edith" she said. "My name is Edith"' - you've switched to past tense for no reason
'"Jonathan. Nice to meet you."
"Would you like to join me? unless you are waiting for someone?"' - these are spoken by the same person and should be on the same line, or at the least inside the same set of inverted commas; otherwise it's confusing.
'Our coffee now delivered and the waitress turns back round' - shifts tense back to present
'I'm not too old to be part of the community, there is plenty for me to do and see, if I can get rid of my negativity and find some social activities?' - it's not a question, it's a statement.
'That hour with company was joyous for me, another person to speak to was what I needed. I walked home pondering on the next occasion that I may strike up a conversation.' - tense shift again.
'Life doesn't stop just because.
I have time.' - why the full stop after 'because'?
Hope this helps.
Lorraine
Oh dear, this makes for very sad, depressing reading, although there is the glimmer of hope in the Cafe. What a shame the man didn't ask for the lady's phone number so that he could make another date, or make a plan to meet in the cafe the next day. Your words really conjured up the loneliness of the man in his retirement, and I suppose there are a lot of people like him around, ageing and living alone. But I like to think he was just having a bad day because he seemed to be looking forward to another encounter.