This is the opening section of my first chapter. I would really appreciate some feedback.
They're coming. I can hear them. Their footsteps are pounding on the ground, scarring the earth with their jagged boot prints. I can hear their voices, deep and commanding, “OPEN UP”! Their fists punch the wooden door. My heart stops. My blood is still, I can’t breathe, I can’t move. They’re here for me.
A man. The tallest man I’ve ever seen grins down at me. His thin lips are twisted upwards, his teeth are crooked and a rough scar runs down his jaw line. I’m looking at a killer; my killer. I am looking into the eyes of hell, the devil himself and soon I will be joining him.
His gun is raised, I can smell the gunpowder. I can see the cold metal which will soon be in my chest; my heart.
“NO!’ a man is yelling. He’s shorter, shorter than my murderer; his face is kinder. ‘STOP!!! GET AWAY FROM HER. STOP”!!!!
But the man – the tall man- just laughs, it rings and echoes around the room, cascading from wall to wall. Why is he laughing? Does he kill for pleasure? Does he enjoy watching someone beg for their right to live? Of course he does, he is swimming in death, all he knows is death. All anyone knows is death.
The gun is raised… I close my eyes. My blood is on fire, my heart is in my throat, I can’t beg. I deserve this.
A sharp, blood curdling crack vibrates through me, and my eyes snap open. My breath leaves me, but it is not me that is bleeding.
The shorter man collapses on the ground, redness flows from his chest like a thick waterfall. His eyes; his once light filled eyes are nothing but glass, empty, shattered, lifeless glass.
I run, without thinking about it, I run, and run and run, leaving the man, the shorter, kinder man, the dead man, my father behind.
I gasp, and my eyes open into nothing but white light. I can’t see, I can’t breathe. The air is crisp and unfamiliar; I am drowning in my own cold sweat – Calm down!
I force my lungs to work, pouring frosty air down my throat and letting it out again way too soon, it steams and swirls as it mixes back with the wintery air. In, out, in, out. My heart slows although it still rings in my ears. My chest aches as if a bullet is buried there.
It’s just a dream! A DREAM! But it’s not just a dream, it’s worse, it’s a memory. My worst memory. Stop it! I scream at myself. It’s happened before. My shaking hands desperately start searching for Kyle, but he’s not there. Ugh, he’s probably drunk again; but then my fingertips stop searching, nothing about this is familiar. I’m not laid in my bed. No, it’s too hard, too uneven, something sharp is sticking into my spine, and my body is colder than normal. My heart starts racing again. Where am I?
Thank you both so much
Rebecca, you have a great opening scene here. The characters are not named, we have no idea of the identity of the speaker, or of where or when this is set; but the immediacy grabs us anyway. It's dramatic; there is a fatal shooting, but the victim is not the one originally intended. It's both a dream and a memory; but even that revelation is sidelined by the last phrase. You have grabbed your reader from the word go.
There are ways of making this better, though.
“OPEN UP”!
“NO!’
‘STOP!!! GET AWAY FROM HER. STOP”!!!!
You must sort out your punctuation. You don't need banner-headline-type capitals in prose in order to shout - the exclamation mark will do that for you. No multiples of these marks either - one is enough.
When you write dialogue, the inverted comma/s (down to house style or personal choice) include everything that is part of the speech, including the instructions regarding that speech: exclamation marks, question marks, full stops, commas. Here you have placed these, incorrectly, outside the marks.
Be consistent: if you want to use double marks, they remain double throughout. Don't mix and match.
'I am looking into the eyes of hell, the devil himself and soon I will be joining him.' - you need a comma or semi-colon after 'himself'
'I can see the cold metal which will soon be in my chest; my heart.' - well, no, not unless you can see the bullet. The gun is not going to be in your heart. The semi-colon is wrong.
'man – the tall man- just' - the dashes should be the same both sides. Word will sometimes make up its own mind which is needed, and not correctly, so watch out for that.
'But the man – the tall man- just laughs, it rings...': 'it' refers to the subject of the sentence, which here is 'the man'; you need to say that the laugh or the sound rings
'redness flows' - I'd prefer 'red', for the impact
'His eyes; his once light filled eyes are nothing but glass, empty, shattered, lifeless glass.' - the demi-colon is wrong here. Try using dashes: 'His eyes - his once light filled eyes - are nothing but glass: empty, shattered, lifeless glass.'
'the shorter, kinder man, the dead man, my father behind' - you need some sort of punctuation around 'my father' - 'my father behind' doesn't make sense. A comma after 'father' would work.
'I gasp' yet 'I can’t breathe.' Not sure these two work together.
'I’m not laid in my bed' - 'laid' is wrong; it's the past participle of 'lay', as in to put something down; the past participle of 'lie', as in to stretch out along a bed, which is what you want here, is 'lain'.
'blood-curdling', 'light-filled': hyphens required
Hope this helps.
Lorraine
Oh wow!
Great start! So many intriguing questions for the reader.
I love the sentence, "I run, without thinking about it, I run, and run and run, leaving the man, the shorter, kinder man, the dead man, my father behind." Repetition is often weak, but this isn't, it's strong. I think the strength comes from the repetitions of man in the second half of the sentence, each time with a different qualifying phrase (the shorter, kinder man; the dead man; my father). The words "My father" made me go "oof!" as though somebody had just poked me in the midriff. And somehow, those repetitions of man don't merely justify the repetition of "run" (which would otherwise be weak), they demand it.
On the critical side, capital letters and multiple exclamation marks don't usually add to the story. You could achieve the effect with words alone. For example “No!’ a man is yelling. He’s shorter, shorter than my murderer; his face is kinder. His shouts are desperate. ‘Stop! Get away from her. Stop!'
Well done!
All the best
Penny