Awaken The Story-chapter 1 and 2

by Pauline W.
17th July 2012

CHAPTER 1- WAKE UP

-Oh, my head…-I opened my eyes trying to look around. My sigh was very poor and nothing around was recognizable. All I knew was that I was lying on a freezing cold floor. My attempts to stand up succeeded only at fourth time. My head kept exploding with pain causing so much dizziness it was impossible to stand on my own legs. I decided to sit instead.

Where am I? What happened to me? And most importantly, who am I? I tried to remember but my head was like an empty box with no memories of whatsoever and as harder I tried to think as stronger my headache was getting.

When my eyes felt better and were able to actually see I could recognize a chair with a TV table in one corner, a desk with computer, a toilet, wardrobe, and a big tinted window which was covering all of the longer wall. There was no carpet. All room was from cold, grey concrete.

Could I fall, bang my head and lose memory? Maybe. How did I get here and what was I doing? Was that my room?

All this time while I was thinking my legs kept moving to warm up and when they got a little stronger I slowly went to the computer. I took a deep dust cover from the screen and found a flashing dialog box with a big red explanation mark saying: “Warning! No power! All data deleted successfully.” Maybe I should try a TV. No signal…great!

‘’Well, I’m not going to find out much from here.’’ I thought and slowly walked to the window on my shaky legs which felt like they would lose control in any minute. I couldn’t see anything behind it. “Maybe I should try to cover my eyes from sides.” That made it a little better. I noticed a working bulb at very far room and red flashing lights on the walls everywhere. By the locations of the lights I figured out that outside my room there were lots of corridors. Perhaps with another rooms like mine. Apart from that it was dead dark. I had a feeling somebody was watching me.

-Hey! Hey! Is anybody in there?! Hello!-Was that mine voice? Had to be. No one else was here.

I screamed banging in the window hoping somebody will hear me. Nothing but I couldn’t get rid of thought that I was being watched.

The light in the room was hardly on. There was a little bulb which was going off and coming back on. It wasn’t long before it would stop working. I couldn’t find a light switch for inside or outside the room. It looked like there was no electricity behind the window. Maybe someone else was in that far room with the light.

Intuition was telling me to get out of there turning to shouting. But how? How to get out? There was no handle or lock on the door. Pushing and kicking them didn’t help either. Door was from cold dead concrete too.

I decided to break a window. My hands were shaking and felt weak as the rest of my body but I grabbed the chair with all my strength to hit the window. Instead I landed on the floor. The chair was screwed to the floor and my unstable body couldn’t get a balance to hold me still. Why was it screwed? Was I in a jail? No, they didn’t have computers in their cells. Everything was mounted either to the floor or to the wall. The monitor and keyboard were stuck to the desk and won’t move. Anyway, I couldn’t do much with a keyboard, eh?

The only way to understand was to remember. I sat down and noticed something on the floor under the desk. An old picture of some people. There was a boy strangely familiar. I scratched my face. Did I have a beard? How old was I? Who are this people?

The bulb went off leaving me and a complete darkness alone but I remembered the picture and the people from it…

CHAPTER 2-THE BEGINNING OR THE END?

-Hunny, get up! Come on, you don’t want to miss the whole day of fun, do you? - asked mum while blinding me with the sunshine. She’s been waking me up every morning, opening the window to let the fresh air in. Outside was a beautiful view. My room was upstairs with my own bathroom. From the window I could see my mum’s garden. It was beautiful, very colourful and it smelt like the best perfumes. Our house was in a centre of a little park, you would say. My parents designed it that way to be surrounded by the nature in every corner. Around the house were trees with birdhouses, which were always occupied with a different birds tweeting best songs in the mornings. At the back of the house dad had his shelter where he sometimes spent hours fixing or building something. There was a place for me as well, with my own tools and a bike so I could help him. We also had a fish pot with colourful fish inside so they’ve matched the garden. Next to it was a table with chairs and barbeque. We often ate there. And of course there was a kennel empty most of the times. Mischa, our golden Labrador stayed at the house with us. We took her from the rescue centre as a puppy. She was making everybody who looked at her feel sorry and guilty with her very sad eyes. We couldn’t leave her in the garden alone with such a look. So she stayed at the house one night, than another and another. Later she occupied most of my bed at night. So I guess she learned at some point while being a puppy to use her trick whenever it was needed. It always worked. For e.g. She pushed me out of the bed at night and when I told her to get down she made that sad look again, my heart brakes and there she stayed… I guess most of dog lovers have exactly the same thing.

We lived at small city Somerset, north of England with population hardly reaching 200. (Not the one in south). It was so small it didn’t deserve an honour to be on a map. Few of streets were very close to each other and people got connected and familiar. It counted like a city inside of the city so our population was about 80 I would say. There was a little school where I was going with only 20 children. At my class together with me were 8 kids. Also there was a big church with cemetery at the back which got me shiver every time I looked at it, lots of small shops, coffee shops if you had a lazy morning or fancied the freshest news about neighbours. In there everybody knew everybody and everything and even more about me than I did. On our street all houses looked similar. People were nice, most of them families like our so I had some friends. Perfect place for growing families.

Anyway it was one of these perfect-weather days. Middle of the summer probably, hard to say, weather was very strange these days, leaving the weatherman and everybody else very confused. One week for e.g. it was a sunny day. In seconds it got dark and started to snow. Nobody thought about it twice, at least not in my age. Street was full of kids exhausted by heat of summer; mums were running after them to put their scarfs or hats on them. It didn’t take long to get at least one snowman for each house, some had whole snow-family, others snowmen even in swimsuits. Adults didn’t have such a good time, apart from some dads of course; they looked more concerned about it. I’ve seen some old women running to church but I’m not sure if that was the reason for their hurry. On the next day we all woke up to find that there was nothing left of yesterday’s weirdness, it was hot and sunny again. Nobody spoke of it. Just some old people were meeting at a street corner and talked quietly and when somebody tried to get closer to hear at least a word they would just stopped and walked away in different ways like they didn’t know each other. On other day it was sunny and raining at the same time making rain nice and warm. That is quite normal you think, well there were couple of full rainbows on each garden. People made a lot of photos on that day and local television came in but the strangest thing is there were no pots full of gold on any end of any rainbow. Was it all lie? Because I’ve checked twice every one of them.

After I woke up and got breakfast we went to church. We were all always going to church on Sundays. Than we walked down the road where we lived. I was in the middle holding my parents hands while they’ve picked me up and put me down. I loved that feeling, it was like flying. I always dreamed of being a pilot or cosmonaut, going there where nobody was or will be, discovering new places, planets, stars or even whole galactics. I loved looking at the sky, it was so beautiful, so secret and you could never tell how it’s going to look like in tomorrow or even in few minutes. Mum and dad bought me a telescope on my 9th birthday so I could watch the stars. It was my obsession for hours and never got bored.

-Where are the falling one’s going?-I always wondered. Mum always said it’s a good luck to see one falling and to make a wish. She was a doctor at a hospital; very pretty I think. People from neighbourhood were always coming to her for an advice or help. On the other hand dad said that nobody knows where they are going and that one day maybe I will find out. He was a doctor too, at the same hospital as mum, but more important one as he was working as a cardiologist.

They’ve told me I will soon be an older brother; usual story of bird bringing the baby. I Never really believed that though. I don’t think any kid have.

It was a weekend and we’ve been going for a parade. I’m not sure what we celebrated as people there always found a reason. If there were 5 parades in a month nobody would be surprised. First sunflower, first snow, everything was good. There was everybody from our little city, some of them hardly recognisable in all dressing. There were clowns (never really liked them, they were kind of spooky), princesses, kings, all sort of animals or lookalikes, whatever you can think of. All day full of fun, games, food and happy people who didn’t rush anywhere that day and didn’t shout at each other. They’ve only laughed and drink something bubbly. I’ve tried it once when I took it for apple juice and got very dizzy later on. Never to try it again-I decided.

We played almost every game. Dad shot all the bottles from the shelves and won the biggest teddy bear I ever saw. Than we raced on go cars, feed ducks, had some hot dogs and we were just about to find the ponies to get a ride for me when it happened…

In less than a minute everything changed dramatically. There were no more laughs, happy sounds, nothing…It felt like somebody would press pause while watching a movie. Everybody was looking one way. When I decided to check what was so interesting in there, I felt sorry that I did. The sky…

Always so beautiful and blue wasn’t like this anymore. It looked terrifying. There was just blackness coming towards us swallowing all happiness and light on its way. Could it be such a massive cloud? It didn’t seem to have an end anywhere.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so scary if we would be at home. I enjoyed being at home-warm and comfortable-while storm was ruling outside.

All birds were rushing away from it. It was coming fast, very fast and it couldn’t bring any good. Before anybody did anything it was already above us.

It felt like being in a bed in your room and having a feeling that something is in the closet or under the bed. You don’t know what it is or what it’s going to do but you definitely don’t want it to get out.

Animals- these nice and friendly dogs, horses, cows and all others what were there- just got crazy. Their eyes were wide open, they made horrible and scary noises and you could tell they would do everything to just get far away from there. Kids started to cry and just wouldn’t stop. It was just like they and animals felt something coming. I can’t remember what I felt, I was more curious about covering my ears from all that noise. But apart from it, it was dead quiet. Everybody just waited.

-Dad, are these stars?-I’ve asked.

-I don’t think so, son.

-So, what are they?

On the sky appeared little lights just like stars but…they were getting bigger very fast. People started to run in all ways. Dad decided there was no time to answer my question. He covered my eyes, picked me up in his arms, grabbed my mums hand and started to run. Something hit the ground shaking it heavily. There was another hit and another coming from all sides. I only heard terrible screams of people, looking for their children or relatives, another shouted for help. These massive “stars” were on fire and when I didn’t see them they felt bigger, stronger and closer to us but they didn’t stop falling for a second. They left a loud banging in my ears after each hit. I was very thankful my dad covered my eyes, this sounds were far enough to get the shit out of me. When I wondered where we were running dad slipped on something and we fell…

Comments

Hi there - as Christopher says - great plot, but the actual writing itself needs a whole lot of work - I'd love to read it again once you've done a bit of work on it - good luck!

cheers

Penny

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Penny Cooper
22/07/2012

I need to split my comment in two parts, story and writing.

The story is very interesting. From the start it's full of mystery, good mystery, and it sparks an interest, keeping the reader's attention to the text. It kept me going and before I knew it I was at the end.

So you definitely have something here. Even though I can't speak for the story as a whole with certainty, I don't know where it will go from here, this short piece here looks very good when looking at it from a plot point of view.

Writing wise I believe it still needs a lot of work. There are more than a few mistakes throughout the whole text that really need to be corrected. There are all sorts of mistakes, spelling, grammar, flow of the text. The story was good enough to keep me going, to push through and past them, but if you want to be able to show this to an agent one day, I would strongly recommend revising and editing the work thoroughly.

Also keep in mind that not everyone will be willing to continue reading after the first couple of mistakes as they tent to tire out the reader.

Even if you are writing for pleasure, I would still recommend you work on it. You will definitely feel better when you can show it to someone and they are pleasantly surprised by what they read, without the text distracting them from the story, which it currently does.

I will tell you something someone told me a while ago, when I first started writing, because believe it or not, I was in the exact same situation as you are now. (I believe so anyway)

Don't give up writing. With practice you can only get better. You can never learn how to create a story; that is something you must have a talent for.

(This might not be entirely true, but you will see where she was going with it.)

But no matter how "bad" others might say your writing is, you can always learn and improve. If you really want, then you can reach a very high standard of writing. But it’s harder, if not impossible, to work the other way around. There are a lot of people who can write, but few that have something interesting to write about.

(I repeat again, what she told me might not be entirely true, but it kept me going and I didn’t give up.)

I say the same thing to you now, keep at it, and I promise you, it can only get better from here on.

Christopher.

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Christophoros Demetriou
18/07/2012