The vodka seemed to arrive in Kev’s hand with increasing frequency. He took reluctant slugs, trying to dissolve the heavy dread in his stomach. It had to happen, here, on the wet bench. Paul had insisted.
Everyone said Stacey was easy, but she was capricious too. He’d seen Paul dole out beatings at her request as often as he’d heard boys boast of her caresses. “Go on, Stace”, said Paul. She moved towards Kev, kissed him. It was all tongue and teeth, braces brash against pursed lips. She took his hand and pushed it under her top. Blood rushed to his tingling fingers, her heartbeat pulsed beneath his palm. The weight in his stomach shifted, lightened.
Stacey recoiled: “What you doing, fag?” wiping the vomit from her chest. “Fucks sake, Kev. Go over there, Stace, I’ll deal with this”, said Paul. Stacey marched down the canal path to where the others sat waiting.
“I’m sorry. I was trying to make it easier for you”, said Paul, “for us.” He brushed the damp hair from Kev’s face, kissed him on the crown. Kev rested his head on Paul’s chest, felt his heart beat. Rain began to fall, giving the canal gooseflesh.
Hi Frank
Thanks for your feedback. I agree with you about it being confusing. As I mentioned above, I edited some of the 'scene setting' stuff out to fit the word count, when really I should have stripped back in other areas. It is definitely a lesson learnt. I guess that is what it is all about, to paraphrase Samuel Beckett: trying, failing, but failing better next time!
Thanks
Gareth
Hi Garth
It is a bit confusing but as it is a first go its not to bad at all.
It just a matter of making every word in every sentence work.
Simples;D~ I move sentences around a lot in Flash fiction until they fit.
As you always have that upper word limit stopping the flow.
And you do not have the normal massive word canvas to work on.
So everything needs work and move along at a quicker pace than normal.
As always it just my opinion and as with everything the more you do the better you will get.
So good luck with what ever project you are working on;D~
Hey Deborah,
Thank you so much for your feedback; I found it really useful.
I really struggled to convey everything I wanted to in 200 words. Perhaps I should've gone back to the drawing board rather than try to edit down! For example, I had mentioned the canal setting in the opening lines, but cut it to make the word count. I'm kicking myself now.
Similarly, with the vomit, erm, moment, and the ending, I've been a bit clumsy in trying to shoe-horn too much in and I can see why it's confusing (In my mind, Kev had definitely pulled away before throwing up!). I've learnt that flash fiction is really tough; you've got to pare back your prose to the bare essentials which takes some doing. I hope I'll get better with practice.
I'm glad you mentioned cultural dissonance...it was my (again) rather clumsy attempt to imply that Kev didn't really belong in this setting--that he aspired to something greater, but was bound by societal constraints/expectations. Likewise, the ending with Kev and Paul: I wanted there to be some ambiguity surrounding their relationship, so the reader can make their own mind up as to whether they are brothers, friends, lovers, etc. Adolescent relationships are often pretty blurry, but equally intense, and I was hoping the 'goose flesh' bit would nod to that.
All in all I've learnt a hell of a lot from writing this and reading your comments, and it's really spurred me on to write another (and write better), so once again: thank you!
Gareth