Chapter 1: Theo - Impressions
I slam back the tequila shot and inhale a deep breath as it burns its way down my throat.
"Woo." Hugo shouts animatedly, shaking his head. "That is nasty."
He slides the shot glasses across the bar and signals to the bar tender for four more.
"Thanks." I down the shot, feeling wonderfully numbing burn of the alcohol starting to seep into my system.
"There is no greater joy in life than tequila.......and of course women, lets not forget the women." Hugo smiles and slaps me on the shoulder before turning around and casually flicking his eyes over the packed bar. It's a Saturday night and we’re in one of the smaller clubs in Mayfair; Poison. It’s absolutely heaving, making the club hot and the air stuffy.
I smirk at him when his eyes meet mine. "See anything you like?" I sip on my beer as he grins at me.
"Twelve ‘o’ clock. The blonde." He indicates straight ahead of him. I turn and look over my shoulder spotting the girl in question. She's wearing a dress with a dropped neckline that proudly displays her ample cleavage.
I laugh at Hugo's predictable choice. "Nice. Although you should really look for something a little more challenging." I goad.
Four shots are placed on the bar in front of us. I hand the guy a twenty.
Hugo slams back a shot, before flicking his eyes over my shoulder again. "She might be a challenge....." He feigns offense.
I smile wryly at him. "Really Hugo? You should know better."
He laughs loudly. "Yeah well, I don't like to challenge myself anyway. An easy life, that's what I'm after." I shake my head, amused. "And well..." His eyes flick over my shoulder again. "I'd say she looks pretty easy." We both erupt with laughter before clinking glasses and downing the remainder of the shots.
Hugo claps his hands together. "Right....Let’s go find Rambo a nice place to stay for the night." He grins as we turn away from the bar.
I chuckle at Hugo's nick name for his dick. "How about in your pants for once? I’m surprised that thing hasn’t dropped off yet." I snort. Hugo is the biggest whore I know…..in fact Hugo’s probably the biggest whore in the history of mankind.
"Nah, Rambo likes to party.......Hard." He smiles and wiggles his eyebrows.
I roll my eyes at him. Like I said…whore, but who better to have as a wingman?
"Dude....lets go find some pussy." He bounds off like an over eager puppy. I didn’t say I understand how he gets laid. He is a disgusting individual at times.
The bass thuds through the club, as we pass through the crowds. I glance around, occasionally locking eyes with someone. I spot a brunette in a little black dress, she meets my gaze and I flash a small smile at her, she drops her gaze away and looks considerably flustered.
The way I see it, sex is just one big game. Everybody either plays or wants to play, whether they admit it or not. Those who bitch about it are generally the ones to unattractive to be invited to play. Women especially try to deny it, but I’ve been with enough to know that when offered a guaranteed orgasm, they're just as bad if not worse than men.
People like me just happen to be very, very good at the game. For instance, right now I'm making eye contact with some of the women in the room; it's a second of eye contact that says 'maybe, just maybe, if you're really lucky, you may end up in my bed tonight.' This one fleeting moment of hope is what fascinates them, lures them in, even though they know the odds of it being them are low. The irony is that to become the ultimate game player.......unattainability is your best weapon. Make them want what they can't have. Of course I don't have to make them want me, that's a given. I just have to make them believe I’m unattainable. As I say, ironic.
As I follow Hugo to the middle of the dance floor I spot a group of four women. They’re all tall and very lean. I can guarantee they’re models. I nudge Hugo and we split around the group of women. I sidle up behind a blonde and grasp her waist, pulling her back against me, I grind my hips against her in time with the thumping music. Hugo has latched onto the brunette across from me. The other two girls have stopped dancing and are staring blatantly at me, mouths open. Noticing her friend’s faces, she stiffens and tries to turn, but I hold her fast, not allowing her to move. I wink at one of her friends and she blushes, giggling. I run my hand around her waist, pulling her back sharply against my chest; she sucks in a sharp breath as I move against her provocatively.
As the song melds into another equally up beat track, I skim my hand up to the front of her ribcage, almost brushing the bottom of her breast. She reaches back and runs her hands down the outside of my thighs as she drops to the floor and grinds back up against me. I drop my head and skim my lips across the exposed skin of her throat, just the lightest brush. She shivers. This is what I do, what I’m damn good at. Her entire body is screaming that she wants me so badly, and yet....she hasn't even seen my face. Just as I'm about to turn her around and let her see exactly what a lucky girl she is, I'm shoved roughly from behind, sending me forward a step.
I turn in time to see a whirlwind of red push past me. I have to do a double take at the woman who seems to be in pursuit of a blonde who's currently shoving her way through the crowded dance floor. She turns, meeting my gaze. I’m met with a pair of startlingly emerald eyes; she smiles apologetically before taking off again. I stare at her retreating back, gripped by that one look in that briefest of moments.
Her bright red dress is quite short and completely backless, dropping almost to her arse. The milky skin of her back is covered to the waist by thick waves of Auburn hair. She oozes sensuality with every fiber of her body and silently demands attention as she slinks through the packed dance floor. Her scent stirs the air as she moves past me, it's subtle yet unique.
I turn my head back to Hugo whose eyes are also fixed on the spot where she just disappeared.
Meeting my gaze, Hugo crudely gestures with his hand, like he's having a wank. I nod my head in agreement, smiling at his crassness. He tilts his head to the side. It's a 'why the fuck are you still standing there?' look.
I roll my eyes at him. Normally I wouldn't pursue a woman, but there was something both intriguing and instantly alluring about this woman. She’s a game changer, a rare anomaly for whom you’d bypass your own rules.
Needing another beer anyway, I head over to the crowded bar. I instantly spot her stood at the bar seemingly alone. To say she stands out in a crowd is an understatement. There's something about her that draws your attention and then grips it…..in a vice hold.
I approach the bar and lean against it my arm a few inches from hers. The bar maid quickly scurries over to me smiling shyly. She's cute. Young, but cute.
"What can I get you?" She asks brightly.
"Corona, please." I hand her a twenty. "Keep the change." I smile and wink at her and she blushes before turning away to get my beer.
I casually glance over at the red head just as she rolls her eyes. I look at her questioningly and she slowly turns her gaze toward me. Her startling eyes and close proximity cause reactions that I swear I haven't had since I was fifteen.
She's stunning, even in the darkness of the club. Her long red hair is loose around her shoulders in that effortless ‘I wake up like this’ way. Her abnormally bright green eyes are piercing almost to the point of un-nerving. Her full red painted lips curl up in a smirk as she fixes me in her gaze, radiating an easy confidence. I smile at her, whilst subtly checking out her body.
"Sorry, they're a little shy today." She says sarcastically, gesturing to her chest. Not so discretely then apparently.
I smile. "I'm sorry. Couldn't help it." I shrug and unleash the full scale ‘I‘d love to fuck you' smile. To my utter horror she only rolls her eyes again....no blushing, no giggling, no looking away.
Slightly stammering to recover I pause and study her. She's beautiful, but I don't think she knows quite how jaw dropping she is. She's not flaunting herself.
"Can I buy you a drink?" I ask smoothly. She looks at me for a few seconds, her eyes searing through me as though I were made of glass.
"No." She turns back to the bar. That's it, just no.
"Really?" I smile and raise an eyebrow at her again and step closer to her.
She leans in so that I can feel her breath on my neck. She inches forward so that her lips are a mere breath away from my ear. I have to suppress a groan at her closeness.
"Really." She whispers and leans back, a small smile gracing her lips. The way her voice caresses that one word has me shivering pleasantly.
I take a deep steadying breath before letting out a small laugh. "A dance then?" I tilt my head and smile widely at her.
Her eyes slide over me again, making my pulse quicken. Jesus.
“You really don't know when to stop do you? You see this here.” She gestures at the space between us. "This.....is me not being interested."
I laugh and shrug casually. "No, this is you pretending you're not interested."
"You're not my type." She quips.
"I'm everybody's type." I stare her down, the air between us is suddenly tense. Electricity seems to crackle between our bodies.
She eventually just smirks and shakes her head. I summon the bar maid and order two tequila shots, with salt and lemon. She places them on the bar in front of me.
I slide one across the bar to her. "Here."
She eyes me dubiously for a moment, then without a word she dips her finger in the clear liquid, just skimming the surface before tracing a line of liquid across the back of her right hand, something about the gesture is seductive to say the least and I have to swallow hard.
I look up to see her watching me closely through her lowered lashes. She sprinkles some salt over the same spot.
Not bothering with the salt I clink my glass against hers before tipping it back, my eyes never leave hers.
She lifts her right hand and traces the line of salt slowly with her tongue, before rolling the shot glass over her bottom lip and swallowing, the movement of her throat catches my attention as I watch her in rapt awe. She places the lemon slice against her lips before discarding it and running her tongue along her bottom lip. Oh dear god. Every action seems carefully articulated and elegant. She makes the smallest task seem beautiful and entirely too erotic. I now have a raging hard on from watching her take a shot. What the fuck?! She starts to turn away from me.
"Do I get that dance now?" I smile the fail safe smile, which she is apparently completely immune to. Figures.
"I'm walking away and that's the best you've got? I'm disappointed." Her lips pull in a wry smile.
"I do hate to disappoint." I smirk.
"Well then you'd best step up your game. You're in the big boys playground now." Her voice is low and husky. She raises a maddeningly seductive eyebrow
"Wait. What's your name?" I stammer quickly before she leaves.
She smiles wickedly at me. "Thanks for the shot." Oddly I find myself smiling at her response. She winks over her shoulder before walking away.
I think I just found someone who may actually play the game better than me. She's the ultimate, I seriously want her and she flirts just enough to give you a slither of hope, yet she's hopelessly unattainable. The perfect player.
For the first time ever, I just got rejected, and I love it.
Hi Lauren, well I would go for making him a bit more likeable, but still offensive enough to raise the hackles of your heroine. At the moment, he's coming across as very cold and calculating in his attitude towards women - he thinks he's got the whole thing mapped out for getting them to fall at his feet. And it all seems very shallow with him - it's just a game, you don’t get the sense of his actions being driven by a deep need (that of course he can’t meet with casual sex, but still he’s trying to fill a void). Cold and shallow together is quite an off-putting combination, and at this stage you’re not giving any hints that there’s more to him than this. We need more hints.
My understanding of romance writing is like this: you have a hero and a heroine, and they are both emotionally damaged in some way. When they got damaged, their personalities were split into layers. The deep layer is the part of them that is hurt, and also what they really seek in order to feel whole again, but they are not really conscious of this layer. The surface layer is what they believe about themselves, the story they tell themselves of their lives. When a romance hero and heroine really work together is when you match up these deep and surface layers properly. So, unconsciously, they sense something in each other that they really need (deep layer) but on the surface they’re so different and they clash all the time.
So imagine you have a boy who is larking about with his brother when a terrible accident occurs, the brother dies, and the parents blame the boy. In order to cope with this pain, the boy has to shut off his feelings. So he becomes cold, but as well as cold he’s also angry at this callous rejection, but at a level he can hardly even acknowledge. And as well as that, he’s infuriated when he witnesses careless and carefree behaviour. He doesn’t recognise that it’s the link to the accident and the risk involved that provokes this fury in him. He also has a surface story – so this might be that he had to grow up quickly, that he learned to take responsibility for others, that he learned that love carries a cost. I won’t spell out all the backstory for the heroine, but basically you’d match him up with a heroine who seems reckless, too open-hearted, naive perhaps. Perhaps it infuriates him watching her get into scrapes with lots of local boys, and he can’t imagine why it angers him so much (but it’s because she has the innocent, open-heartedness that he lost and needs to get back). She, meanwhile, perhaps she really needs stability and strength – whatever her backstory is, it meant she had to deny that in herself, and allow herself to turn into a kind of flimsy butterfly. Superficially, she probably finds him really harsh and controlling, but again something at the deeper level is pulled to the strength and security he represents.
I think when you’ve figured out how their needs intertwine, then you can figure out how to give hints of either depth or warmth. The warmth need not necessarily be friendly – it can be flashes of anger, but it’s driven by a deep emotional need.
So with Theo, I think you need to either give him some hints of warmth or hints of depth – but I can’t really advise you on what it would be because it depends on what the relationship with the girl in the red dress is all about – what they need from each other at a deep level, and what they fight over at a surface level.
I hope this all makes sense and might be useful to you. It took me a while to figure out this scheme when I was trying to write romance, but it made things a lot easier for me when I had this structure in place.
Good luck!
Deborah.
Deborah,
Thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate your comments.
On reflection I completely agree with the rushing off situation, I will have to clear that one up.
Theo as a charecter is a difficult one. The book is from both characters point of view. Lilly (the woman in the red dress) initially hates him, and I felt that the reader needed to also feel that and have a very clear image of him as the womanising, selfish person that he is.
Predictable as it is I know, but his charm and games don't work on LIlly and we do see him open up as a character. I've tried to keep the antics with him and Hugo amusing in the meantime to keep the readers interest in him, do you think that's enough though?
This is my first attempt at writing anything, so any and all feedback is brilliant.
Thanks again.
Lauren.
Hi Lauren, this is very readable. I'm not very up on romance. I used to try to write straight Mills & Boon stuff, but this is obviously intended for a more hard-edged and contemporary market. I'm saying this because my lack of familiarity with the market might mean that my comments aren't very relevant anyway.
You've set the scene well and without wasting words. I can picture the place easily, not just how it looks but also the atmosphere. There's a good sense of pace and movement in the story. You've established both of the male characters well. I haven't got such a clear sense of the woman in the red dress, but I guess that is to come. At the moment I feel that she's maybe a bit of a cliche with her astonishing beauty and feisty attitude. Obviously, to captivate him so instantly, she has to be visually stunning, but could there be something a little unusual in her looks or her voice or something?
I felt a bit confused at the scene where she crashes into him. I don't know why, but something about her rush and your mention of her pursuing someone made me think she was heading for the exit, so then I was confused when she was still in the club. That might just be me, but if I misinterpreted it that way, then others might too. Could you insert something very small to indicate that her direction is towards the bar?
My main issue is that Theo is such a horrible character that I wouldn't want to read about him or follow his life at all. I gather he's physically attractive and knows how to turn on the charm, but the reader knows he's horrible. I imagine he's about to find his world turned upside down by the woman in the red dress, and maybe he achieves a bit more depth or likeability at that point, but right now he's just arrogant, shallow and selfish. I suppose this is where my lack of familiarity with the genre means I might be out of touch - maybe it's acceptable for the male characters to start off like this, and it's understood that they are redeemed during the story perhaps? If that's not the case, then I'd suggest that you try to insert something that makes him slightly likeable - though I can't really imagine what it would be!
Like I said at the start - it's very readable and that matters more than anything really. It doesn't stop you at any point, the pace keeps it going, there's sufficient action, not too much description, and (apart from my confusion about the exit/bar thing) it's clear throughout what's going on. I'd be curious to know if you do make Theo a bit more likeable later on, or is this just me being old-fashioned and out of touch?
Good luck with it and the sequel!
Deborah.