"Take your time and tell me what happened."
The detective wanted answers to questions - so many questions. How could I answer them? First, I had a few questions of my own I desperately needed answers to. A man had been killed - murdered - and I was the only witness.
The dead man, Manfred, was a work colleague. He had phoned early that morning and asked me to meet him. He said he had something important to discuss, away from the office. We met at Highgate Cemetery. When I arrived, he was sitting on a bench, smoking. He rose, shook my hand, and ground the unfinished cigarette into the gravel path with the heel of his shoe.
"Let's walk," he said.
We had only taken a few steps when we both stopped and turned at the sound of a motorcycle approaching from behind. It was a big powerful machine - a shiny black Kawasaki - and the rider and pillion were both wearing black helmets and leathers. We stepped aside to let it pass but it stopped beside us. The pillion passenger pointed a silenced pistol at Manfred and shot him in the head, then the bike roared off.
I was lost in thought as the detective poured out his questions. Did I know the dead man? Who were his next of kin? Did I know who killed him? Why? Registration number of the bike? Colour? Make? ... The questions went on and on. But I managed to evade most of them, playing the shocked bystander routine for all it was worth, until he gave up and let me go. He said they would get a full statement later.
I did know who had killed Manfred. But didn't know why. And I knew that the police would be surprised to learn - if they ever did learn - that the killer was a woman.
*
As I let myself into the apartment, I could see Penny standing by the Juliette balcony. She turned to face me and I could see that she had been crying.
"Why, Penny? Why did you kill Manfred?"
"Because he was going to kill you!"
"Me! Why?"
"I think you know why. But first let me tell you about Lela. You remember Lela? We grew up together. She was my best friend. We shared everything - school, university. We were inseparable until we left Cambridge. When we were kids, we used to write each other silly notes in our own secret code."
"Yes, I remember Lela."
"She's dead. They pulled her out of a canal in Amsterdam on Friday."
"Penny, I'm sorry -"
"Let me finish! On Saturday morning I got this. It's a letter from Lela, written in our silly old code. She must have written it before she died. She says she found out that Moscow have had an agent in Six for seven years. But now he thinks his cover's blown and he's about to run."
"Manfred wasn't a mole!"
"I know that ... And you know that ... But I'm trying to make it look like he was - buy you some time. Don't you see? I'm trying to save you! Although I don't know yet if you're worth saving."
Then she pointed the gun at me - the one she had used to kill Manfred.
"Penny, you're not going to shoot me."
"That depends ..."
"On what?"
"On the answer to my next question."
"Go on."
"Were you going to leave me or take me with you to Moscow?"
Hello Lorraine
Thank you for your comments. They are much appreciated. It's a long time since I wrote a short story and this one came out of nowhere. I woke up one morning with the complete story in my head and typed it up over breakfast. This has never happened to me before. Unfortunately, in my haste to get some feedback, I was then guilty of not self-editing.
Many thanks
Robert
Hello, RLW, thanks for sharing.
It's an interesting start to a story: two murders, spies, and secret codes all in a few lines.
You could make this much tighter, I think.
Take the first three lines:
"Take your time and tell me what happened." So far, so good. Then, 'The detective wanted answers to questions' - the reader can work that out from the first line.
You then repeat 'question/s' and 'answers' three times each in two lines. This is completely unnecessary. I'd leave out everything from 'The detective' to 'answers to' - just tell us that a man has been murdered and the narrator is the witness. We can work out the rest ourselves.
'It was a big powerful machine - a shiny black Kawasaki - and the rider and pillion were both wearing black helmets and leathers' - you could narrow this down: 'It was a big black Kawasaki' says all we need to know about the bike. Lose 'and the': 'Rider and pillion wore black helmets and leathers' would be snappier. Do we actually need to know what colour their leathers were? This is supposed to be a tense moment, but as written it loses all sense of danger, and the importance of the event is almost glossed over.
Avoid repeating 'both': it's one of those words you rarely need to use at all.
Repetition of 'questions' again in the next paragraph.
'But didn't know why.' - not a sentence.
Lose 'The questions...most of them' and start with 'I played...' - again, much tighter and much more in keeping with the kind of person the speaker is supposed to be.
Penny is standing 'by the Juliette balcony': why not on it? Introducing another female name into the scene is distracting. I'd change this.
'I could see...I could see' - repetition
"Me! Why?" should be "Me? Why?"
If he remembers Lela, Penny doesn't have to spell this out for him. It's the author trying to give the reader information. Try to re-work this.
'You remember Lela?' 'Yes, I remember Lela.' - clumsy.
'She must have written it before she died' - self-evident; she couldn't have written it after she died.
'I know that ... And you know that ... '- these ellipses are wrong. For a start, there should not be a space before an ellipsis. It should come immediately after the word. It's used to mark a trailing off, which is not the case here. In fact, she could as easily say ' You and I know that.'
'But I'm trying to make it look like he was - buy you some time.' - this is awkward: you need 'to buy', and you could have a comma after 'he was' rather than the dash.
You leave on a loaded question: what does it imply for the narrator? Is he a spy/mole or not? That is to be discovered.
Less is more when it comes to writing tension. At the moment it's hard to get any sense of drama or threat, because it's too wordy. The extra line spacings don't help, either - far too leisurely.
Can you see the difference between the scene with Penny, told in dialogue, and the description of the kill? The latter is too much a list of events. Yes, it says what happens as it happened, but it doesn't interest the reader as it should. Given the nature of their meeting, the arrival of such a motorbike should have them instantly alert. The passenger draws out a gun and shoots - but they have some time in which to react, and they don't. See if you can make this more realistic.
Hope this helps.
Lorraine