“It’s there again”, her daughter shouted through from her vantage point at the front room window.
She joined her and watched as a seagull cocked its head on one side, looking to the left and right as it did so.
“I’m scared, Mum.”
“Don’t be silly, it’s just scavenging for food, that’s all.”
“Then why is it just looking at the rubbish and not pecking at it like usual?”
Elaine was just glad not to have to go around after the dustmen had been with a plastic bag picking up all the detritus after the birds had pecked open the well-wrapped rubbish in the black plastic sacks.
“It does look as though it’s listening and looking straight at us and…”, she stopped as a council van pulled up and a smartly dressed official got out, looked at the seagull before proceeding to walk up to their front door. Even so, the sudden sharp knock made them jump. She opened the door and was handed an envelope by the suited man.
“A warning letter”, he said, “next time it’s a £1000 fine and then jail.”
“But what for?” she managed to ask.
“Too many bags out, luv. New regs, didn’t you read the notice? Only allowed one black sack per week per household.”
The seagull put back his head and let out an almighty screech.
“Well, I must be off,” said the official suddenly, before running down the path and across the road to a nice old couple who had just moved in.
Closing the door she rejoined her daughter at the window.
“Look”, her daughter pointed at the bird, head cocked on one side, definitely eyeing up the rubbish outside their next door neighbour’s house. Meanwhile the old couple had opened their door to the council official who was handing them a brown envelope too.
“Oh, but that’s so not fair”, she muttered, “there’s always a lot of rubbish when you move.”
Eeeoooweeeow screeched the seagull as it was now outside their house again and eyeing the house unblinkingly. Head cocked again, listening – or was it reporting what it saw to the council. How else would the official have arrived so swiftly?
This is a nice bit of writing.
Suddenly, and unblinkingly... I`d remove these adverbs. Describe the man bolting, rather than short-cut adverb. and just remove the `ly` from unblinkingly.
Nice prose. Good stuff.
Interesting concept, Karen. Does the seagull tell tales? Why does the man run? There is something sinister about a seagull: such a large bird, and so noisy. The first line sets the tone: 'It's there again.' This makes it clear that the bird has been seen often enough not to be referred to as 'That seagull' or 'that bird', but I'd follow it up with 'the seagull,' not 'a seagull'.
You need to look at your punctuation.
“It’s there again”, and other instances of the same error - the comma goes inside the inverted commas, just as a question mark or full stop does.
'Elaine was just glad not to have to go around after the dustmen had been with a plastic bag picking up all the detritus after the birds had pecked open the well-wrapped rubbish in the black plastic sacks.' - who is picking up the rubbish here? Not clear. Also don't repeat 'plastic'.
“It does look as though it’s listening and looking straight at us and…”, - you have the ellipsis (the three dots) which shows that the speech trails off; you don't then add the comma. You would however have a capital at 'She' here, as it starts a new sentence.
'...a smartly dressed official got out, looked at the seagull before proceeding to walk up to their front door.' - 'before proceeding' is wrong. The official got out, looked at the seagull, and proceeded.
“A warning letter”, he said, “next time it’s a £1000 fine and then jail.” If you take out 'he said, you'll see that 'Next time...' is a new sentence and needs a capital. Again, the comma goes inside the inverted commas: "A warning letter," he said. "Next time..."
'Closing the door she rejoined her daughter at the window.' - be very careful with this kind of thing. She cannot close the door at the same time as she joins her daughter at the window - they are sequential actions, one after the other. 'She closed the door and went to join...'
'Eeeoooweeeow screeched the seagull as it was now outside their house again and eyeing the house unblinkingly.' The seagull's cry is a kind of speech, so you should use inverted commas. I'd lose 'as it was' - ' "Eeeoooweeeow," screeched the seagull, now outside their house again'
Don't repeat 'house' here. It becomes clumsy.
'... she rejoined her daughter at the window.
“Look”, her daughter pointed at the bird, head cocked on one side, '
Two things here: you repeat 'her daughter': change the second one to 'the girl'.
Whose head is cocked on one side? The last action was made by the girl - she pointed, so the head cocking is assumed to be hers too.
You mix up your tenses with 'had opened' and 'was handing' - change this.
It's an intriguing little story; but try reading it aloud, and see where you trip up. It's the best way of finding errors that the eye doesn't see. You'll pick up repeated sounds, for instance, which silent reading doesn't notice.
Would you really expect to be imprisoned for putting too many bags of rubbish out, especially after one warning? Seems a little harsh!
Hope this helps.
Lorraine
I like this piece of flash fiction. It has a paranoid feeling about it but is almost believable. It would doubtless be possible to insert a computer chip in a seagull's wing or round its leg.
One or two comments:
The sentence beginning 'Elaine was just glad' is a bit confusing. Do you mean 'Elaine was glad the dustmen had already been round with a plastic bag picking up the detritus after the bird the bird had pecked open the well-wrapped plastic bags. That meant she didn't have to do it.'?
I would avoid the change of point of view to the old couple. It's a bit awkward in a piece this short.
I would break the sentence beginning 'Look' her daughter pointed at the bird. Stop there and start the next sentence 'It was sitting'. You can also delete 'definitely' as it doesn't add much.
In the same way, break the sentence ''Eeeooweeow screeched the seagull' there. Then the next sentence could be: 'It was now outside their house again and eyeing it with unblinking eyes'