In the alternative world of Terra, there are strange and wonderful things. The thing being the operative word because something undefined is a thing. Meaning slides off it until it can get a handhold and force the thing to become something. Science in Terra is more about getting the universe to be reasonable compared to the desire to explore it commonly found in Mund which is terras dull less attractive sister dimension. A place where Captain John has found himself many times. A place where the earth isn't hollow, dinosaurs don't roam the parks and punching accountants is frowned upon. As dull and horrible as it is, it is a place he would rather be than the place where he finds himself now. Inside the secret meeting room of the civil service where there is a roaring fire in the middle of August.
"What did you say?"
"Dan dan daa!"
"Well stop it. If there were skullduggery going on here you would not be security cleared to comment on it. Shut up and stand there. Don't touch anything and no you cant."
"Can't what?"
"Anything. Now you won't have heard by a foreign power has stolen an expensive and interesting [sound of groaning from the seat next to the fireplace next to a huge and empty former bottle of brandy] piece of government technology. what we want is for you to go and have a little look around and make a report."
"Ah! You want me to get it back for you"
"Are you completely thick? We want you to make a report!"
"But if I could.."
"Just make a report, make a report, that's what I want you to do. Make a report... Do you understand?"
"A report"
"A report"
"Whats the machine called?" [increased groaning from the fireplace]
"Its called... The Incredible Boring Machine"
"What does it do?" The room became very quiet and still. The only sound that could be heard was a bee battling and losing with a pane of glass. The room was hot and there was a smell like burning paper. Captain John looked about him and knew the committee had been burning incriminating documents which were just another working day at the Ministry.
"Now look here John stop asking questions stupid or otherwise and ..." bellowed a desk admiral. "...just you toddle off to the science museum and have a look around for this ....damned machine". He was interrupted by a groaning from the corner.
"Are you quite alright?" asked John as innocently as he could amidst the fog of cover-up.
"Is that, thing gone... I mean... it is not still here is it?" He looked around scared and began to unsteadily get to his feet. A meaty hand of a general gently shoved him back into his armchair. The red-faced man turned to John.
"Don't disturb the Minister, we have all had a trying time with this ... ah yes with our... yes". John noticed the other brass in the room getting very nervous as the general spoke and the fire continued to smolder around words like "most secret" and "budget". Suddenly the brandy sodden (the traditional drink to consume whilst covering up Government mistakes) face found focus. "You! You are the one who covered Bolton in jam!"
John felt his stomach turn to water and his legs to jelly as around him the generals and admirals realized that they were in the presence of the man who had averted the Frankenberry crisis. Only a few short years ago a prehistoric strawberry plant had escaped from the Jurassic Arboretum and started a terrible rampage across the north of England. The pride of the Royal Navies airships had failed to stop the monstrous plant and disaster was only partially avoided by Captain John and the airship "Imperial Dreamer" which used the unusual feature of a cappuccino steamer to reduce the threat to a fruity liquid. It was unfortunate that the engagement had taken place over a sugar store and the resulting combination of sugar and fruit juice had poured like a tsunami over the streets of Albion second city.
The General looked at him with renewed hatred. "You're the one responsible for the Space Bees! Look at my bloody hand!" He held out his hand which wasn't meaty at all, but swollen from a nasty sting from a space bee! "Of all the stupid things to do..." As the general continued his rant John retreated into his mind. It wasn't like other peoples minds. It came to the right conclusion and got the job done but sometimes things just went wrong and the army had to be called in to fight space bees or a Welsh village got trampled. As he focused back in on the red face the general had got to this point! "... and the Colossus of Rhonda! That was you as well!" The catalog of John career came to an authoritative stop with the Head of the Civil Service.
"Well, General I think you have made the point. Captain John is perfectly qualified to investigate the loss of the Incredible Boring Machine. Well, what are you waiting for?"
John looked at him. "I didn't realize you had finished. That kind of sentence is usually concluded with a demonic laugh, and you're a civil servant so I.." At this point, John found himself outside the door. He stopped for a moment to listen to the conversation and before he was manhandled away by the undersecretary of the department with only an armful of empty files (the original documents being lost in the flood of '86) and an expired voucher for an afternoon tea in the staff canteen he heard telling words. "Budgetary madness".
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