I really wanted to scream and hit the woman in front of me. Being me though, it felt more like I would end up curled on the floor sobbing. But I told myself I could hold it together just enough so that they wouldn't see how broken I was.
The woman, my job adviser, was scanning me from behind her desk, as though I was her least favourite person in the world. At that moment, I probably was.
“Why don't you want to take the placement Cassia?” she demanded.
“Because, it wasn't right for me.” I told her, somehow feigning confidence. “The work was boring and I disliked the manager. There was little respect for the work force.”
“You're not exactly in a position to be selective.” she said.
“I stuck it out for two weeks.” I reminded her. “I hated it from the start and could have left within the first hour. I checked. It is in my right to do that without losing my benefits. But I stayed for two weeks.”
She frowned and I tried to remember to breathe. It was rare I ever argued back as it usually resulted in my anger and frustration forming tears. Any kind of fear and fiestiness had ebbed away long ago. This was merely a tiny spark of it.
Silently, I prayed that she let the matter drop, as that small effort to fight back had left me drained already.
“Well, since you're obviously so certain you won't be taking the placement, it means you now have to go on a work program.” The adviser sighs.
“What does that entail?”
“You will be required to visit another office on a regular basis. Every day is they ask you to. You will receive a new adviser with them. Your standard of job searching will be more closely monitored. They may get you on several courses, without option.”
My reaction was to merely shrug. My emotions were drained, switched off, before they could take over and cause me to break down.
“I'll make you an appointment for the referral.” The adviser says tightly. She stabs at her keyboard, clearly pissed off with me. I had stopped caring. She was not on my list of people to please.
I knew this had been coming. So far I'd been fortunate, as my official adviser had been away for a month and I had been seeing someone else only to sign for my allowance. So there'd been no third degree about my work placement, or the fact I wasn't taking the resultant job offer.
None of these people really cared, or had any regard for what was best for you, the job seeker. They only want people ticked off their list and take the credit for finding you work. Even thought they've done next to nothing compared to you, the actual job seeker.
As the adviser continued to glare at the computer and me in turn, I avoided her gaze and looked around. There were a lot of rough looking people around that day. It varied. Some looked perfectly neat as though they have a life, a future. Others, looked like they had never had any hope and never would.
In need of confidence, knowing I'd be questioned and looked down on, I tried to set myself apart from those people, in their scruffy clothes full of holes, who often smell like they've never had access to a single bar of soap in their lives. Tried to look like I had somewhere more important to be.
I sat there, under that scrutiny, trying to pretend that my clean black jeans and flowing blue top, the neat black pumps and shiny dark hair swept into a high ponytail, disguise the fact I'm exactly like them.
“I'll see you next week for the work program referral.” The adviser hands me my appointment card. Dismissed. I simply get out of my seat and leave. Stalking across the room, head held high, like I'm running late for something and this has been nothing in my day.
Outside, the sun was shining brightly, the air was warm. As it should be in mid summer. Everyone walking by was cheerful and happy. Me, I felt utterly separated from them. Isolated in a bubble of darkness, cold and somewhat inhuman. This world, doesn't deserve something as hopeless as me wasting it's space and oxygen a voice murmured in my mind.
Slowly, feeling heavy with anxiety and my own failures in life, I made my way to the train station, rather than walk the three miles back home. I felt exhausted. Not physically. Just with everything. With my life.
There was no one else on the platform. Which was hardly surprising, the train wasn't due for another twenty minutes. So I waited in isolation, desperately wishing I'd taken my book to numb the feeling of being so incredibly alone.
By the time the train arrived, two more people had dashed onto the little platform. On the train, I tried to tuck myself into a corner. Not because I was deliberately trying to avoid the fare, though a few saved pounds were always welcome, but because I felt the need to curl up away from everyone else.
It was so strange. I hated to be alone, yet when I was with people, I was trying to keep myself away from them.
A ticket walked down the carriage, calling for tickets from the last station. But he passed me by before I could even make a move towards my bag. Fine. I thought. I'll keep my money then.
I got off two stops later and began the short walk to my house. My parents house I should say. For time now, I hadn't been able to call it my home. A home implies comfort and safety, but I was constantly on edge there these days. I just felt I wasn't truly welcome there any more and had a distant fear that I would be asked to leave at any time.
No one was in, of course. Mum and Dad were at work. My younger sister, Fliss, fresh out of university, was out with friends. My brother Joe, also younger than me, had lived with his girlfriends Kelly for a little while now. Everyone was busy and doing so much better than me.
Despite the warm summers day, I felt cold. I dropped my bag, kicked off my shoes and dragged the band from my hair, allowing it to drop, feeling the weight as it brushed just below my shoulders.
There was only one substance that could numb the bad feeling. Only one activity that could lessen the awful dread and fear and panic that I felt.
It was just past midday and I really should have eaten something, especially as I hadn't eaten much breakfast. But I had no appetite at all. So I simply pattered through to the kitchen and made an entire pot of tea, just for me.
Taking it into the lounge, I settled myself on the sofa, tucking my feet up beside me. Even though I knew it was a waste to be inside when the weather was so glorious, I had no desire to go outside.
I could never figure myself out. I felt lonely all the time, yet I didn't seem to want to be with people. Probably because they always seemed to be judging and criticising.
One of my wraps was on the back of the sofa and I pulled it around my shoulders, poured myself a cup of tea, then, finally pulled my book towards me. The thought of it sitting there on the coffee table, waiting for me, was the only thing that got me through everything today, without breaking.
I settled down comfortably and opened the pages to another world.
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