The door slammed and I jumped, fumbling to slot my bookmark in place as I abruptly pulled out of another world, another life. Please be Fliss. I pleaded silently.
It wasn't.
“Cass?” My mum called and appeared at the door to the lounge. “What on earth are you doing?”
“Reading.” I said. “I forgot the time.”
It was true. I had forgotten to have lunch, forgotten to watch the clock and get dinner started as a way to keep my parents happy. I forgot to hide the fact I'd been wallowing all day in another world, another life, to escape the misery of my own.
“You need to get your head out of my bloody books.” My mother snaps. “I'm going to change, you get dinner started.”
She hates me. I thought as she disappeared upstairs and I went through to the kitchen.
She must my mind whispered as I started to pull out salad stuff from the fridge, a quiche to warm in the oven.
Who would ever love you? The voice went on as I located baby potatoes.
You're a useless worthless daughter. A pathetic excuse for a human being. I viciously turned on the tap to fill a saucepan, then put some water in the sink and tippped in the spuds.
You're no good to anyone. The voice just kept on going.
What's the point of reading all day? Taking up a small knife, I began to quarter the potatoes into the pan.
You're selfish, reading all day like that. The knife slipped and I knicked my thumb.
Barely noticing the pain, I ran it under the cold tap as my mum came back downstairs.
“What are you doing?” she asked with a bit of a snap in her voice.
“I just cut my thumb.” I shrugged. She tutted and I felt a twist inside. I can't even cut up potatoes without disappointing her.
“How was your appointment at the job centre?”
“I have to go to some work program now. My referral is next week.”
“Work program?”
Wanting out of the conversation, I gave a brief explanation like it was no big deal at all. She merely sighed and I switched on the oven to warm the quiche and put the pan of potatoes on to boil before starting to make a salad.
They all deserve better than you the voice sneered.
“Is that the only time you went out, on a lovely day like this?”
“No.” I lied. “I didn't come straight back, I stayed out for a couple of hours.”
“Then you came back here and just, read?”
“Yes.”
She shook her head at that, then vanished into the lounge, I heared the TV switching on.
Viciously, I shredded up lettuce, sliced tomatoes, chopped cucumber, washed the lot and tossed it into a bowl so everyone could help themselves.
Fliss came back, five minutes before Dad, who arrived just as everything was ready. Mum immediately launched into a rant about how I had spent my day. All hell would have really broken loose if I'd told her the whole truth.
I tried to shut down, switch off emotion and picked at my food. I deliberately gave myself a smaller portion, spreading it out to look like more. My appetite hadn't been great. Despite not having lunch, I simply wasn't that hungry and wondered if I should cut back on my caffeine.
“We need to leave about half eight.” Dad was saying and I suddenly snapped to attention.
"Where are we going?” I asked.
“Drinks. With our friends.” said Mum. “There'll be live music. You're both coming and Joe will meet us there. They want to see you all.”
My spirits plummeted. There's no way I could get out of it, not when the parents were already frustrated with me. Drinks. With Elaine, Charlie, Lindsay and Paul. Along with their sons. I'd forgotten all about it.
Fliss helped me wash up. She was jabbering away about something or other as Mum and Dad went into the next room.
“Cass?” Fliss nudged me as I squirted washing up liquid into the sink. “What's up?”
“I was just, thinking.” I said absently.
“You look tired.”
“I am. A bit. Weird dreams.” Not to mention my life is a mess. Last night I couldn't sleep over anxiety about my appointment. When I did, a recurring dream haunted me.
“You've lost weight.” my sister said softly.
Her words make me jump out of my reverie.
“Maybe a bit. I've been snacking less and walking more.” I don't know why I feel the need to cover myself on this. “I've not lost much weight.”
“You were just right though, before.”
My sister scanned me, seeing the things no one else did. Of course she'd notice. Since Fliss returned home from University I'd had to try and hide from her the truths that I'd been concealing from everyone else.
I'd made a conscious effort not to stay in bed until the afternoon when I knew she was there to notice. I'd also tried to eat at the right times when she was there.
But she probably couldn't help but notice the things no one else did. I hadn't really seen her for a while before she came home so unlike everyone else, it was more obvious to her that I had lost weight, that I was simply, different.
“It's no big deal.” I told her. “You're my little sister, isn't it meant to be me looking out for you?”
She stuck her tongue out at me and for a few moments, there was a break in the darkness I was beginning to lose myself in. Some kind of cheerful normality.
Once we've washed and dried everything, I retreat up to my room.
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