CHAPTER 1 LOVE TIE
A Chapter by ArabellaMortimerHendry
" Over the decades there had been many rumours about what had happened, that night in Betley. "
Over the years there had been many rumours about what had happened, that night in the small town of Betley. Some people even say to this day that they thought the end of the world had arrived. That they had never seen such a collision between the dimension of the spirit world and Earth.
After the incident the Fontleys had kept there thoughts to themselves. They didn't want to join in with the daily gossip which plagued Betley. Mr Fontley was by nature a reserved man. He had a job as an accountant at Betley Bank. He would always come home with bags under his eyes. Mrs Fontley worked at the local nursery as a receptionist. She was a kind hearted woman who always knew how to make people laugh.
Unknown to Mr and Mrs Fontley there youngest daughter Maria had been involved in the incident. Maria Fontly was twenty years old and was like any other young woman in the world. She was always concerned about the way she looked, thinking that she was never pretty enough.She also attended the local collage where she studied Performing Arts. Her sister Mary on the other-hand was a layabout. And spent her days meeting up with friends instead of getting a job.
Our story starts in the month of October. The Fontleys were greeted by a gray and drizzly day as they woke up. The sound of the stairs creaking as Mr Fontley went downstairs for breakfast woke Maria up. It was another day at collage for her and another day relaxing for Mary. Looking in the mirror after she had got changed Maria sigh. Rotating her torso so her reflection would show her side profile.
Maria"s mass of wavy brunette hair tumbled unevenly onto her shoulders. Her tight fitted top showed how flat chested she was. And her shoes had started to look tattered because the amount of walking she did. No doubt the " popular" people would have something to say about her fashion sense. Putting the negative thoughts to one side Maria went downstairs for breakfast.
After an hour of being told that she should plan her future out, by her father. Maria decided to start heading to college. Mr Fontley only had his daughters best interests at heart. He wanted them to get the best out of life like he had. Mr Fontley called also see that out of his two children Maria had the drive and determination to do well, and that was the reason why he lectured her on a daily basis about it.
" Maria!!!! Hey!!!" shouted a voice from behind her as she got ready for the lesson. Maria turned around to be confronted by one of her class-mates Emma. Emma was the sort of girl that you would find hanging around with Gothic/Emo groups of people. She always wore black ,nothing else. Her eyes were always bulbous and pasted in black eye-liner. Like Maria she hardly had any friends. However despite knowing Emma,s reputation she didn't seem phased by talking to her.
" Hi Emma How are you?" Maria asked smiling as she hugged her. They made there way towards the row of seats at the front of the classroom, and sat down. " Im good !! Just wondered what you are doing tonight?" Emma asked her eyes sparkling with excitement. Maria went through the files in her head and sigh. Her parents had promised to the neighbours that Maria would take there children trick or treating.
" Im taking next doors children trick or treating hun. Why? What have you got planned?" The thought of going round the town with children didn't bother Maria. If anything she enjoyed baby-sitting Elle and Jessica. They were very interested in the world around them and always managed to make her laugh. It bothered her about who would be answering the door when she went trick or treating with them.
Remembering the last time she went trick or treating made her shudder. She had been been unfortunate enough to knock on a class-mates door. Samantha Snide was eye candy for the boys and the " Queen Bee" of the classroom. In other words she thought she was Gods gift to Earth. Samantha had answered the door and before Maria could say anything. She threw an egg at her face. Maria had a bruise on her cheek for weeks afterwards.
" I Just thought you would like to hangout sometime??" Emma said sorrowfully looking down at the floor for dramatic affect. One of Maria"s pet hates was people who were melodramatic for attention. " I might be free at the end of this month though? " Maria said sharply as she observed Emma"s reaction. A huge smile spread across her face as she agreed to meet up then.
Leaving the stressful day of college behind her. Maria began heading home to get ready for baby-sitting duties. It was on the corner of the park that she noticed something unusual-- a homeless man swigging from a bottle. Now some of you may think that this would be a perfectly normal thing to see nowadays. However this was not the case in Betley.
Betley town was the most picturesque place you could imagine. Cobbled streets paved the way for the many tourists that flocked there every year. Every corner you turned you were confronted by a piece of beautiful architecture. Carved Replicas of the founders of the town and thatched cottages. The towns committee always made sure the community were looked after. And so it was a very unusual site to see a tramp in Betley.
Unsure of what to do Maria walked past the tramp ,only to be stopped by him shouting after her. " Dont go in there!!!.." he started to splutter and choke on his drink. Turning around to see if he was al-right Maria could not help but feel sorry for him. If not a little bit frightened by him. By the looks of things it seemed that he had been living rough for a while. After a few moments the unshaven man stopped choking and cleared his throat. Looking up at Maria he started to sway from side to side like a mental patient.
He started to violently point in the direction of the park as he muttered " No good things come from there.. dont go in there! " Frightened by this stranger Maria walked away. Leaving the drunk as she left him, alone and deranged. The evening progressed into night-time and within no time at all there came a knock at the front door.
" Elle Jessica !!!! don't you look lovely in your costumes!!! Why don't you come in for a while... Maria should not be too long. MARIA!!!!!!" Screeched Mrs Fontley at the top of her lungs, Then turning round to the girls and composing herself once more with a smile. Giggling Elle and Jessica entered into the kitchen behind her, swinging there pumpkin " candy lanterns" joyfully. While waiting for Maria the girls told Mrs Fontley about there school. Which coincidently is the school she was a receptionist at.
Not long after they started there conversation Maria came downstairs. Elle and Jessica upon hearing Maria,s footsteps immediately got up, and rushed towards her. Squealing like piglets they hugged her and then ushered her to the door in a hasty manner. " Oh darling I forgot to tell you!!! Elle and Jessica are staying round at Pam's tonight! You know Pam who lives in the park area! Take them there after!" Mrs Fontley said as she closed the front door behind them.
" So what made you dress up as witches then?" Maria asked as they started to walk into the town. In the near distance there was the sound of knocking on doors, as children chose there victims for there " Trick or Treating" . The memory of having an egg thrown in her face swam around in Maria"s mind." We got told in school about the legends of Betley!... The witch and .. and the house" It was only when Jessica said this Maria snapped out of her negative thought process.
" Witches??" questioned Maria confused by what she had just heard. Elle and Jessica were in year five at school, and yet they knew some things about the town Maria had never heard of before. Elle who always thought herself mature for her age, smirked at Jessica,s remark and said " Apparently there was this woman who lived in the park, and she was a witch. But then someone killed her. " Shocked by the thought of a teacher telling a group of year fives about murder Maria gasped.
Hi, Arabella, thanks for sharing.
This is a very early first draft, but it sounds like a good plot. There are a few major points that you need to address:
There - if you can ask where something is, the answer is there. Never used for the possessive.
Their - possessive: belonging to them. Their teacher, their sweets. Never use' there' in this case.
They're - they are.
Avoid multiple exclamation marks or question marks in your written work. One of each is enough to get the message across.
Unless your narrator is telling the story to someone, don't address the reader. It makes it feel as though we're discussing the events with you, and we aren't - we are there to watch without being seen. 'Our story', ' some of you may think', 'Every corner you turned you were confronted' - we aren't in the story, and it isn't our story; it's Maria's.
Avoid the sweeping phrase: 'like any other young woman in the world' is a) nonsense and b) stereotyping. If your character is like everyone else, why should we be at all interested in the story?
'to sway from side to side like a mental patient' - stereotyping, and possibly offensive.
Repetition: '...went downstairs for breakfast.' Twice in 2 paragraphs.
'trick or treating' - appears 4 times in succession. It's far too much, and you'll lose your reader's attention.
Punctuation: you really need to keep an eye on it. Apostrophes - I'm, Jessica's, Emma's; Commas - "Elle, Jessica! Don't..." not "Elle Jessica !!!! don't..."
Emma asked her eyes sparkling - did she ask her eyes sparkling, or ask, her eyes sparkling?
Im taking next doors children trick or treating hun - should be, I'm taking next door's children trick or treating, hun.
Read your work out loud - you'll pick up mistakes more easily when you hear them.
Making mistakes doesn't mean you can't write: it means people won't want to read your work until you've corrected them. The more attention you pay now, the less work you'll have to do in re-writes later.
Happy writing!