Children's Poetry Comp entry - 'Monday Morning'

Amy, it seems that your poem is now appearing at the top of this thread. I think you can only upload one work to "share"... so if you deleted your previous story and replaced it with your poem, then the poem will appear in previous posts like this one.

One of the hardest things a writer has to learn is how to cut out the unnecessary. You've got a good beginning here, Amy, but you need to push it through a sieve to get rid of the excess.

You'll end up with a much shorter, but much tighter piece - which, given the tension of the scene, is all to the good.

'She sometimes wished she had her natural confidence, especially with men. Jazz had always been the most self-assured of the two, which was one of the things Eden admired most about her.' This is a form of repetition: natural confidence, self-assured - they amount to the same thing.

'She knew she would have to keep this particular inappropriate crush in order; he was her landlord.' This is out of place here - save it for a better point in the story - and it's too abrupt.

'...found themselves walking down a quiet street. It was mid-July, and was still humid despite the hour.' They know the area; it's near Jazz's mum's place. So would they 'find themselves' somewhere? Surely they'd know the route. The date and weather report are out of place.

'As if from nowhere' is a cliché and best avoided.

'things quickly took a more sinister turn.' Another cliché. Don't tell us - show us how it happens. Cut out this phrase - you don't need it, because what happens next does the job for you.

'Due to the lack of light they had both realised too late that these were the men from the bar.' Again, you're explaining to the reader when you should be showing us. Give us a dimly lit street, or trees cutting the light of the lamps, or deep shadows. Paint us a picture; don't explain it afterwards. Give us voice recognition, perhaps - something that doesn't need lighting to identify the men.

'immediately' kicked hard isn't necessary. the violence of the blow is enough. Like the 'unexpected' blow to the face - it's stating the obvious.

'Eden knew that watching her best friend being beaten was more than she could take and she was almost unsurprised to see Jazz launching herself at their attackers.' I wasn't sure who was the subject here. Is it Jazz who is unable to watch her best friend? In which case, 'was more than Jazz could take' would be better. 'almost unsurprised' is a little odd.

'her voice was weakened by her injuries and it came out barely louder than a whisper.' Again it's a form of repetition. You could lose the first part - we know why her voice will be weak.

'Eden could barely see because of the blood running in to her eyes on top of her tears, but despite her blurred vision she could just about make out a couple running towards them, the woman already with a phone to her ear, its display glowing in the darkness. ' Consider this a little more closely: you have blood and tears in her eyes blurring her vision; she can barely make out the people; but then you say she not only sees that the woman has a phone to her ear, but that the small display is visible. Doesn't work.

I hope this doesn't seem brutal! You have a good story here, and you could make much more of it by saying much less.

A novel is never just written; it's re-written and polished and tweaked and corrected until it's as good as it can be. So take heart! This is your first draft, the place where you get the story down on paper/screen for the first time. Then you take another look, and realise that you can swap events around, change characters, and generally improve things.

If writing gives you pleasure, it's not a waste of time!