An early chapter in a new story. Any ideas, tips and suggestions welcome. Thanks in advance guys.,
“What was that?” asked Tommy, sitting up in his bed and staring wide eyed into the darkness of the bedroom.
“Nothing, go to sleep.”
“There, I heard it again.”
“It’s nothing, Tommy. Please go to sleep.” Lucy instantly regretted telling him a scary story.
Tommy tossed and turned, kicked the blankets with his feet and signed loudly.
“Go to sleep,” snapped Lucy.
“I can’t sleep,” replied the frightened five year old. “What are all those noises?”
“It’s just house sounds. Probably just the neighbours. Now close your eyes.”
Lucy was a mature eleven year old girl who accepted the responsibility that had been thrust upon her; it was part of the territory that came with being part of a single parent family. But as the night approached the little hours her patience was wearing very thin. “Look at the time. Ssshhhh!”
“There’s no way that was next door, Lucy. Go and make sure no-one is downstairs, go!”
Lucy wasn’t prepared to go anywhere, not in the darkness. In the dead of night everything was so creepy, hearing seemed amplified and everything made sounds. The floorboards creaked, the water pipes hissed, flapping doors took on a life of their own and not forgetting the haunting sounds that emanated from the attic.
Lucy thought it best to try and comfort her little brother, if she wanted any sleep and more importantly if she wanted to escape a midnight search of the house alone, in the dark. She sat up on one elbow and stared at the little boy, “Look there is nothing to worry about. It’s just house sounds. No ghosts. No vampires. No aliens in the attic and certainly no monsters under your bed. Now just try and go sleep. I am here anyway to keep you safe.”
“Monsters under my bed?” Tommy asked nervously.
“I said there are no monsters under your bed.”
“But there are monsters under some beds?”
“No,” reassured Lucy. “Of course there aren’t. And anyway, they couldn’t be under your bed.”
“How come?”
“Because, there’s no room.”
“Oh yeah,” smiled Tommy as he rolled over.
Tommy’s bed stretched all the way to the floor, there wasn’t an inch of space between it and the carpet. His mattress, with broken springs from bed bouncing, rested on a base that contained two enormous drawers. In the beginning the drawers were full of Tommy’s toys and the room was usually kept tidy as a result. Nowadays however the toys were sprinkled in piles through out the room and the drawers were full to the brim with clothes, bed sheets and towels.
It wasn’t long before Tommy was sound asleep, and Lucy was not too far behind. She had to prise her eyes open before dragging her body stealthily out from under the blankets and returning to her own bedroom.
Lucy’s bedroom was a shrine to football. Every inch of the walls were covered with posters, every country, every team, and every player- past, present and even future stars. Her magazines, stickers, cards and trophies rested with pride on all available table tops. Lucy simply adored football. And she could play it too. She was hands down the best player in her school.
After a few moments of tentatively searching around in the dark with outstretched arms Lucy locked her door and in a single bound leaped into bed. The right side of her face was planted into her pillow facing the wall and facing the only poster of hundreds that was not football related. Instead, right next to Lucy’s head hung a One Direction poster, for the simple fact that they made her heart tingle. They didn’t know it yet but they would be at Lucy’s wedding, whether singing or as a groom. Then afterwards they’d all play some FIFA together on the Playstation followed by a kick about in the park. Lucy hadn’t finalised all the plans but that’s the rough schedule in her daydreams.
As Lucy lay in bed exhausted but restless, her blood shot eyes were finally drifting off to sleep when they caught sight of a mysterious figure directly behind her bedroom door. She shook her head in disbelief and squinted her eyes in an attempt to gain focus. Was the lack of sleep making her delusional?
The figure stood motionless. Without looking Lucy slowly reached for her torch on her bedside cabinet and took aim. The dim light faded fast struggling to illuminate the room. But before the light completely abandoned her and left Lucy in total darkness again she could tell the figure was nothing more than her hanging jacket. She laughed nervously at her own panic and turned over in her football bed sheets to sleep.
When Lucy did nod off into a deep, peaceful and much needed sleep it didn’t last long. Every little sound, screech or thud made her jump to attention, it was instinct. She was a caring girl, more concerned for her little brother’s safety than her own, she just couldn’t settle.
The night was approaching the little hours and soon dawn would arrive. The young girl still hadn’t managed to get a wink of sleep. She was just thankful that tomorrow was Saturday and she wouldn’t have to contest with a school day of baggy eyes and heavy eye lids.
Eventually, Lucy’s big brown eyes were enveloped by her eye lids and she unknowingly began to snore. But yet again she didn’t remain in her sleeping state for long before she was rudely awoken. This time was different. Lucy felt something under her mattress, something moving. Then, she heard thumping on her bedroom wooden floor. Like footsteps. Footsteps in her room, a room she locked herself into, alone. She dared not look out. She could hear the lock on her door being slid to one side and the door was forced open, then the sound of something or someone’s footsteps darting back across the room and under her bed.
The blanket that was now covering her face slowly descended revealing her still closed eyes. Lucy opened one eye slowly, then the other and stared at her bedroom door. She could see the hall lights creeping into her room around the perimeter of the door and in through the gap. Only then did she hear her brother crying. She catapulted herself from her bed and bolted in to comfort her little brother who was wailing for his mum.
Knees trembling and hands quivering Tommy clung on to his sister as she strained to carry him into her own bed. Lucy immediately blamed herself and her silly scary story. Thankfully it didn’t take long before Tommy settled back into a sleep. It then dawned on Lucy that something must be under her bed. She dragged her long legs in under her blanket. Then carefully and ever so silently Lucy tucked her cold feet in towards her bottom and then curled her head in towards her knees. Like a snail in its shell she froze under her blankets and hoped it was gone.
Just then Lucy stopped breathing and her heart rate rocketed. The same sounds and movements bellowed from beneath her bed. Something or someone again raced towards the door, fiddled with the lock then escaped back below the bed. It was all deafening; she put her fingers in her ears and squeezed her eyes shut tight.
Eventually Lucy peeked cautiously out and observed that the door was locked again. She argued for months for that lock and now it was totally torturing her. Wiping away a cold sweat on her brow, she took one final look towards the door. The realisation hit her. Whatever, or whoever, locked the door was now under the bed and locked inside the room with her and Tommy
Wow guys. Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to offer input, it is very much appreciated!!
Hi, Joe, thanks for sharing. It's a good start: the opening lines set the tension at once, but then we see it's just a small boy afraid of the dark, and we relax. When Lucy goes back to her room, the situation is seen to be much darker and more dangerous than we thought. That's a good peak-drop-peak pattern.
One of the things that you have to remember is that when you set a scene in total darkness, no-one can see. If this is Lucy's POV, she can't know - and neither can we - that Tommy stares wide-eyed into the darkness. So when he eventually settles down with a smile, she's going to have to hear it in his voice. 'She sat up on one elbow and stared at the little boy' - but she can't see him.
You should try to find a way to avoid repetitions - 'sleep', for instance, occurs a lot; and 'the little hours' is fine once. Also 'little boy... little brother' - we know he's five, so don't need this. Again, 'blood-shot eyes...baggy eyes...brown eyes... eye lids'.
'Lucy wasn’t prepared to go anywhere, not in the darkness.' Yet sixteen lines later, she goes back to her own room.
That room is in total darkness, too, and yet you describe it in detail. (Is it possible to have posters of every team and every player in the world?) You should make it plain that she's facing what she knows is on the wall even though she can't see it.
'...she unknowingly began to snore' Again, if this is from her POV, if she doesn't know it, how can we? You could say that her own snoring woke her up.
Punctuation: '...stared at the little boy, “Look there is nothing to worry about.' You need a full stop after 'boy', and a comma after 'Look'.
'...jump to attention, it was instinct.' A comma is not right here.
Try to avoid referring to the characters by name so much; there are only two of them, and it isn't necessary. 'Tommy clung on to his sister...Tommy settled back'; 'Just then Lucy...Eventually Lucy' - it's a form or repetition and it becomes tedious.
'Tommy asked nervously.' - We know from the question who is speaking, and his state of mind, so you could lose this. 'He said, she said', however it's phrased, is surplus to requirements when there are only two characters.
Remember that for everyone, no matter how seasoned they are, writing the story is only 20% of the work: editing is 80%! This will be a different chapter when you're finished the whole, and then revisited it, so don't worry about getting it perfect yet; I'm just pointing out things to be avoided, so that if you are aware of them, there will be a little less to edit later. For now, get the story down while it's fresh in your mind, and enjoy the writing of it.
Hi
I like the start - straight into the scenario with dialogue.
I'm not so sure about the descriptions of the characters ('Lucy was a mature eleven year old' etc.) - I think it would be better to leave this being shown in her actions towards her brother.
Also, when someone is seeing things she thinks are not really there, an adult with some knowledge of mental health might wonder if he/she is hallucinating (not the same as delusional) - but even though its more accurate it would still sound contrived from an eleven year old girl. I think she'd be more likely to come up with the phrase 'seeing things'.
One more thing: you'll need to check your spelling yourself without relying only on a computer spell-check, as the latter won't pick up typos that are also words. The phrase 'signed loudly' made me think of a deaf girl using sign language more emphatically.