Cloak & Dagger

by David Shakes
6th November 2014

I've had this cloak of invisibility for a long time now. There's something about the energy field generated that disrupts your memory though – because I can't remember how long or even how I got it.

I can tell you this – it works best in the open. Indoors, under fluorescent lights, people sense your presence. They actively move out of your way. Outdoors though, you're a ghost.

I mostly sit in the park. I like to study people. Relationships bloom and wither with the seasons. Children take their first, faltering steps in autumn and come running back in spring.

The cloak somehow removes you from the world. The disconnection hurts. I'd tried to find its power source, with no success. I feared it might be in me.

Others possess the same technology. They come here too – a salutary reminder of the dangers of being cloaked too long. Their health is poor. They'll sit for hours in the same spot, wheezing and talking their gibberish.

The cloaked see one another easily. We're inside the field, you see; but what good does it do if you can't connect?

I tried to ask them: 'Who is running this experiment? When does it end?' But they're mostly lost in their paper-bagged bottles and scrounged cigarettes.

My research continued. I've come to realise that there are two groups of people immune to the cloak: the overtly aggressive and the deeply religious.

Only last week a group of drugged up teens attacked another wearer in broad daylight. They'd injured him badly and strewn the contents of his plastic bags around the park.

The religious will come right up to a wearer bearing false smiles and warm drinks. Then they talk and talk. It's all so much gibberish I sometimes wonder if they're former cloak wearers.

So when the beautiful girl came over, it really threw me.

She looked right at me with a smile so genuine that at first I'd looked over my shoulder to see who she was smiling at!

The look on my face turned her smile into a laugh. Her face lit up with it and I knew that whatever she wanted from me, she'd have.

As I began to speak, she gently shook her head. Reaching out, she placed a finger lightly on my mouth.

She leant in, her moist lips close to my ears and whispered four liquid words:

“The experiment is over.”

My brain didn't have time to make sense of them before my guts started screaming. Looking down, I saw a pool of red at my abdomen. It matched the colour of her nails. She withdrew a slender knife with her other hand and, still smiling, backed away.

That's all I remember, until you showed up with your loud sirens and flashing lights.

I've been having pains in my abdomen for weeks now. Never made the connection. But the cloak is off and the experiment must be over - because you see me perfectly, don't you?

Comments

That's Plan B, David - hope to do so next year. (I'd settle for the fortune part!)

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Lorraine
Swoboda
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Lorraine Swoboda
07/11/2014

Lorraine,

Thank you so much for both these editing tips and those on my last story. Your advice is invaluable. I have made the corrections as you've listed them. You could make a small fortune as a proof reader!

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David
Shakes
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David Shakes
06/11/2014

Interesting concept, David - seeing people through different eyes, in many ways. The cloak-wearer watches the world thinking himself unseen - which to many passers-by, he is; and the reader is looking upon the homeless and the drifters with a new eye.

'I'd tried to find its power source, to no avail.' - How often do you actually say, 'to no avail'?

'The cloak somehow 'removes' you' - I wouldn't use quotes here; they're incorrect, and don't really serve a purpose.

'We're inside the field you see, but what good does it do if you can't connect?' Comma after 'field', semi-colon after 'see', perhaps.

Lose your exclamation marks at 'ghost' and 'wearers' - they aren't doing anything useful.

A good story: turning the everyday into something bizarre simply by getting behind the stock image of the down-and-out into the mind of the narrator. I liked it.

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Lorraine
Swoboda
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Lorraine Swoboda
06/11/2014