Rain was striding up the valley, away from the cottage and workshop and even further away from the noises of the market, now turning from business to merrymaking. Sabre looked over his shoulder a couple of times as Freya struggled to keep up – the slope became more of a scramble as they reached the northern lip of the valley – but Rain gave no indication he knew she was there. As the path became narrow and rocky and too steep for Freya to climb without using her hands, she called out.
“Rain, stop!” His step faltered and she saw his shoulders droop a little. When he turned he was softer, remorse shaping his features. He stepped down closer to her and held out his hand. She pursed her lips and scrambled up beside him without accepting the offering. When she was level with him Freya planted her hands firmly on her hips.
“Where are we going?” She demanded.
“I want to talk to you, away from the others.”
“You only needed to ask!” He looked stunned for a moment.
“I am sorry, Freya, I am not angry with you…”
“I know that, Rain. I know you aren’t angry with me. I know that because I haven’t actually done anything wrong! But if you ever summon me like a disobedient dog again I promise you: then I will give you something to be angry about!”
Freya was speaking barely above a whisper - she didn’t want her voice to carry down the hill - but her tone was furious. Her nostrils flared waiting for Rain to speak. His eyes were dark and impassive as ever, though his lips were tight. After a long moment, Freya’s mouth dropped open as he stepped back and bowed to her. A moment later he was silhouetted in golden evening light, before he dropped out of sight over the brow of the hill. It took Freya a few moments, and dozens of hard heartbeats, to gather herself again to follow him.
When she crested the valley, the whole sky opened to her. The sun was low in a blue that rose up to variant purples and deep, almost-night. The sun was still golden but was fast deepening towards the horizon and a more fiery hue.
Rain walked lightly down a way and found a long, narrow rocky outcrop where he sat with his back to Freya. He heard her footsteps pause a few feet behind him and despite the distance he felt the warmth of her prickling his back. Sabre trotted off down the slopes sniffing and jumping on the occasional bug. He looked like a wolf but in his heart he was an adventurous, joyful pup. Freya wondered how similar was his master as she found a seat next to him. The stone was still warm from the day, though the air had cooled pleasantly. Rain scanned the low hills before them, the market was in the crater of an ancient volcano, the lip above and behind them the highest point for miles.
Rain whistled a shrill call and as Sabre loped up the grass he turned and pointed to the crest they had just come over. Sabre understood and leapt lithely up the rocks to settle at the peak, lying on his belly with head erect, keeping lookout. When he was in place Rain turned back to the sunset and heaved a long, quiet sigh, tucking his knees up under his chin and wrapping his arms around them. Freya thought it a strange scene, the man who was so respected and self-controlled, so relaxed and confident, sitting beside her like a weary child. She crossed her legs and folded her hands in her lap, waiting.
Lorraine,
thank you for taking the time to feedback on this. The editorial help you have given is useful, not just for this passage but as a way for me to re-read my own work.
I am not at all put off, I enjoy the chance to really have a look at my habits (I'm not trained) and fine tune the unhelpful ones!
I fully agree that the description of the sky is not quite right, but I do believe it is something I wish to keep. I really had no idea how to punctuate speech with actions, and I see what you mean about the waltz! I always feel that certain physical details help create a kind of empathy, but I'm going to work on the way I use them. You are correct about the dog, this made me laugh. He is, of course, not pointing.
Thank you again for your time and help, it really is valuable to me. When I have a full first draft and have done a careful re-read, I will share again and hope it catches your eye!
Hi Emily,
Thanks for sharing your work.
As this is an extract, I have no idea who these people are, or where, or what's going on between them; I can only look at this from an editorial point of view. There are some points you may like to consider.
The main one is that there is a difference between describing a scene and putting your reader in there with your characters. It's known as the difference between telling and showing. When you say, 'When she was level with him Freya planted her hands firmly on her hips' you are telling us what's happening: she makes two movements in this sentence, one after the other - the drawing level, and the placing of the hands. But what if you alter things a little? Do we need to know that she is now level with him? She was never far apart to start with.
Consider the following: 'She planted her hands firmly on her hips. “Where are we going?” ' That gives us her stance and her attitude, and you don't need to tell us that 'she demanded' - her mood is inferred without it being spelt out.
In your dialogue as written, there should be no capital at 'She demanded.'
We already know she is Freya, so you don't need to tell us. There is no other female present.
'“You only needed to ask!” He looked stunned for a moment.'
You have attached Rain's reaction to Freya's words, rather than to his own. Lines and line breaks are a kind of punctuation as much as commas and so forth, if you use them correctly. Try this:
'“You only needed to ask!”
He looked stunned for a moment. “I am sorry, Freya, I am not angry with you…”' - give the action to the correct speaker.
'“I am sorry, Freya, I am not angry with you…”
“I know that, Rain. I know you aren’t angry with me.' - this last sentence is superfluous, and simply repeats 'angry', which you do again two sentences later. I'd lose it. similarly you could do away with 'I know' - twice is enough.
''But if you ever summon me like a disobedient dog again I promise you: then I will give you something to be angry about!”' - the colon is wrong, and 'then' is unnecessary. 'I promise you I will...'
'Her nostrils flared waiting for Rain to speak. ' - her nostrils are not waiting for him to speak.
'After a long moment, Freya’s mouth dropped open as he stepped back and bowed to her.' - this is backwards. Why does her mouth drop open after a long moment? The important action here is the bowing, as a result of which her mouth drops open in surprise. As written, we're looking at people in the wrong order. Furthermore, how many times has your mouth dropped open in the way you describe here? Never, I imagine. It's one of those writerly phrases that actually doesn't happen in life, so I'd lose it.
'in golden evening...the sun was still golden' - clumsy
'The sun was low in a blue that rose up to variant purples and deep, almost-night. The sun was still golden but was fast deepening towards the horizon and a more fiery hue.' - 'The sun was...The sun was' - repetitious; this is not good description, and feels like you're searching for the right poetic use of words. 'Variant' is not one of them. OED: variant - a form or version of something that differs in some respect from other forms of the same thing or from a standard. This is not what you mean.
The comma after 'deep' is wrong; The sun was low in a blue that rose up to...deep almost-night.' Here almost-night is a compound word used as a noun rather than an adjective. You wouldn't write, 'that rose up to a deep, night.' The same applies here.
'Rain walked lightly down a way and found a long, narrow rocky outcrop where he sat with his back to Freya.' - again, this happens, then that, then that - it's telling, not showing. Rain walked 'down a way' - do you mean he walked away a short distance, or down a track? Why do we have to watch his every move? Why not lose the walking part, and have him simply settling on a rocky outcrop with his back to Freya?
'Freya wondered how similar was his master as she found a seat next to him.' - I know what you mean, but again, you're putting the cart before the horse. Have her taking a seat, wondering, rather than wondering while taking a seat. It's moves the scene along more smoothly. Does she really wonder whether Rain is 'an adventurous joyful pup'?
'Rain scanned the low hills before them, the market was in the crater of an ancient volcano' - the comma is wrong; it's linking two disparate things. You've gone from the hills to the market without a pause.
'Rain whistled a shrill call and as Sabre loped up the grass he turned and pointed to the crest they had just come over' - Sabre pointed?
'...to settle at the peak, lying on his belly with head erect, keeping lookout. When he was in place' - we know that Sabre is in place: we've just watched him settle there. Lose this phrase.
'Rain whistled...Sabre loped... he turned and pointed...leapt lithely... to settle at the peak, lying...keeping lookout...Rain turned...heaved...tucking his knees...wrapping his arms around them...Freya thought...She crossed... folded...waiting.' See how many actions you have written here? Are they all necessary? Could some of them have been presented differently? It's that list thing again. You know what you want your characters to do, but you need to develop a kind of writer's shorthand so that we don't go through the entire list every time.
You have a good story here, but it's getting lost in the over-use of verbs, and the desire to name every single step of the dance. If I said a couple waltzed effortlessly round a ballroom, you'd know exactly what I meant. I wouldn't have to say that he had his arm round her waist, and her hand was on his shoulder, and their other hands were clasped, as they stepped in time to the music, in a one, two, three, one, two, three rhythm round the room set aside for such dancing. You'd have given up reading and gone to find something better to do. I'm exaggerating here, but do you see my point?
Be careful of being overly descriptive for the sake of it. There is no need for a long discourse upon the colour of the sky, and it's tripped you up. You're better leaving it out.
I hope this isn't off-putting: it's not intended to be! Keep writing your novel, but be aware that this is a first draft, and it will not be perfect until it's been carved out from the rough, polished and sanded. Get the story down, and enjoy the writing of it; then will come the hard part with the red pen.
Lorraine
Thank you, that is very useful feedback.
It is so difficult to see the technical hiccups when you've printed it on your brain already! Now that I read those bits back, your suggestions make a lot of sense. I have since changed "disobedient dog" to "disobedient whelp," the alliteration made it feel a little comical. I'm thrilled you would like to read more, I'm at about 40,000 words at the moment and you encourage me to keep going!