(A situation one of my characters finds himself in. I try to make all situations fast acting to help readers understand how immiditate a character must react to ensure there survival in my hostile created world. Thank you in advance for reading.)
It fired. A thick arch of blinding red light shot over his head and slammed a building in front. The sheer force of the blast nearly knocked him to the road, it gained speed catching up. Niles powered the bike around a bend and followed the road ahead. He had no time to look at signs or notice details on buildings, his pursuer cornered behind him, shot after shot. The Street lit up with reflections of red light and the snapping sound of energy being released after a charge. How would he survive this? Panic started to set in, he needed to do something now. Niles weaved all over the road and on to the walkways on either side to make it harder for the encroaching tank to get a solid target. He rounded another corner as if going back in the opposite direction and found his escape; the tank would be here in moments. He slammed the break resulting in the back wheel lifting from the road and forced the bike in to an alley, jumping off and pushing it at a hurried pace in to an open building, he lay the bike down and hunkered behind a small barricade of refuse bins and discarded junk. Terror washed over his whole body and he felt nauseous, that sound again. The heavy machine like hum getting louder, the hover tank made its way down the main road shining an orange light from left to right and up at the buildings. It must be a scanner of some sort, don’t move thought Niles panting for breath. He risked a peek from behind the wall but saw nothing, his view obstructed. He looked at his surroundings noticing that it’s a cage, no other way out but the alley he forced himself in to.
A number of spelling errors in this piece changed as follows:
It fired. A thick arc of blinding red light shot over his head and slammed a building in front. The sheer force of the blast nearly knocked him to the road, it gained speed catching up. Niles powered the bike around a bend and followed the road ahead. He had no time to look at signs or notice details on buildings, his pursuer cornered behind him, shot after shot. The street lit up with reflections of red light and the snapping sound of energy being released after a charge. How would he survive this? Panic started to set in, he needed to do something now. Niles weaved all over the road and on to the walkways on either side to make it harder for the encroaching tank to get a solid target. He rounded another corner as if going back in the opposite direction and found his escape; the tank would be here in moments. He slammed the front brakes resulting in the back wheel lifting from the road and forced the bike in to an alley, jumping off and pushing it at a hurried pace in to an open building, he lay the bike down and hunkered behind a small barricade of refuse bins and discarded junk. Terror washed over his whole body and he felt nauseous, that sound again. The heavy machine-like hum getting louder, the hover tank made its way down the main road shining an orange light from left to right and up at the buildings. It must be a scanner of some sort, mustn't move thought Niles panting for breath. He risked a peek from behind the wall but saw nothing, his view obstructed. He looked at his surroundings noticing that it was a cage, no other way out but the alley he'd forced himself in to.
Many of my changes agree with Lorraine's. I like the feel of the piece in general, but it's difficult to picture it in isolation. A read of a larger piece might make it easier to understand and see it in context.
If you can re-write the piece as suggested then re-post it with a larger extract I would be more than happy to read it through and make comments.
Best wishes and keep writing
Mark
Apparently using those two little arrows above the comma and full stop on the keyboard deletes things - I didn't know that! So please imagine 'Don't move!' in italics after 'It must be a scanner of some sort.' See below.
(Can't edit posts after the fact.)
Lorraine
Hi David,
Thanks for sharing. I have a few thoughts.
'The sheer force of the blast nearly knocked him to the road, it gained speed catching up.' I have absolutely no idea wait this means. What gained speed? Surely catching up is inherent in gaining speed.
'He had no time to look at signs or notice details on buildings, his pursuer cornered behind him, shot after shot.'
You have a problem with comma abuse. The simple rule is that if the two parts of a sentence either side of a comma could exist on their own, the comma is not right.
You could use a semi-colon, or a full stop; or you could use a word to join the two.
'He had no time to look at signs or notice details on buildings. His pursuer cornered behind him.'
'He had no time to look at signs or notice details on buildings, as his pursuer cornered behind him.'
'shot after shot' - what is this here for? It has nothing to do with the pursuer or Niles - it's referring to a separate action and it needs a verb.
'blinding red light...reflections of red light' - try to avoid repetition unless it has a specific purpose.
Can a street light up with a sound? You're mixing your message here.
'He rounded another corner as if going back in the opposite direction ' - weak. Try something like, 'The next corner would take him back where he'd come from. The tank would be on him in seconds.'
Remove 'and found his escape' from this line - give us the panic first. Then let him spot the alley.
Bikes have brakes, not breaks. 'Resulting in' is weak. 'He slammed the brake so hard, the back wheel lifted from the road.' The wheel lifting doesn't force the bike into the alley - presumably Niles does that.
He doesn't push it 'at a hurried pace' - he's in fear of his life here, not jogging. I think also he'd drop the bike, rather than lay it down.
'Terror washed over his whole body and he felt nauseous, that sound again.' - comma is wrong, and again you need a verb in the last phrase as it bears no relation to the first. You could in fact lose this phrase, as it's inherent in the next line.
'machine-like' - it's a compound word, not two words.
'It must be a scanner of some sort, don’t move thought Niles panting for breath.' - that comma again! You can't do it here, but I'd put 'Don't move!' in italics. Comma after Niles. 'It must be a scanner of some sort. ' (italics implied.)Then you could lose 'thought Niles' and have him trying to silence his panting breath.
'noticing that it’s a cage' - it was a cage - you can't move into present tense except in Niles' own thoughts or words.
Lots to work on, but try applying what I've said and see how differently the whole thing reads.
Hope this helps.
Lorraine