Dead of the war (Poem)

by Barnaby Harrison
14th December 2015

 

The dead of the war stand in gloom

A scarlet tinge for the muted room

People beaten by tools of war

Stand together, forgotten in law

 

 

My conscience took my by the hand

Or cowardice I turned and ran

Murdered by our former friends

Comrade's lives now loose ends

 

 

 

Anxiety and anger purge my heart

This beats to the soldier’s steady march

Into battle we must go

Our general shouted, we moaned and groaned

 

 

A shell amiss, an ‘honourable death’

The recollection of quickened breaths

The flicker book of Sundays passed

A life that was meant to last

 

 

Respect upmost those who fought

Let them occupy your thoughts

I’m not the mean and selfish kind

These people will always fill my mind

 

 

I loved my life, I treasured it

Now memories come back in bits

We marched in battle, four by four

We are the dead of the war

 

Comments

Poem depicts the loss of war in a very effective manner. However I too agree that there is a scope of improvement.

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RAJ
KRISHNA
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RAJ KRISHNA
16/12/2015

This convey the sense of the loss of war effectively. There are some good images - such as the first line.

If you're writing rhyming verse, it's good to look for enjambment - ie carrying the sense of the sentence beyond the line- end rhyme. This lessens the danger of sounding too sing-song.

Also, check your scansion. Although the poem is mainly in iambic meter, there are some lines which don't fit this pattern. Read your work out loud and see what jars.

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15/12/2015