The chamber was deadly silent, save for the scratchings of a quill against parchment. The man fervently scribbling away sat cross legged in the middle of a pile of scattered papers with various words and drawings etched out on them. His watchers for the day remained close to the doors and walls so as not to disturb him, yet each time the man stopped and began to mutter the observers edged slightly closer readying to rush up to him and take whatever information he has gleamed.
The only one separate from the others was the Ranger General, Nannari. Upon arrival she took a chair, placed it on the edge of the circle of papers, then sat and stared at the man. She did not like the pretence of ritual here, where was the need? The man was clearly lost to his visions and incoherent so Nannari felt there would be little difference sitting right in front of him than pressing herself into the stonework. The priests did not take kindly to her lack of (what they felt) proper respect yet they themselves did not dare approach any closer, glaring at the Ranger was another matter though.
Nannari straightened her back more and flexed her knuckles. We've been here for half an hour... why is it when they say a prophecy is at hand it’s never actually on time? Thankfully no one could quite make out her bored expression beneath the hood of her cloak. The grey cloak was fastened round her shoulders and clipped together by a badge with the symbol of the Rangers. Nannari was small and skinny so the rest of the cloak almost encompassed the rest of her body. She kept it draped over her chest but her leather boots were still visible, as were the knives strapped to them. If any other Ranger had approached the Deian Towers with all their weapons still attached, the temple guard would have thrown them into the dungeon without a second question. However Nannari refused to go unarmed anywhere and as Ranger General, had a certain amount of respect. Besides, it was another way to annoy the more conservative members of the priesthood.
She glanced at one of the priests closest to her. An elderly man wearing the silver robes of the goddess Asrtai, he was standing near the the edge of one of the large chamber windows. His wrinkled eyes were positively shining with disdain for Nannari's behaviour but she barely noticed as her eyes were drawn to the view outside. The chamber was located near the top of the Star-Touched Tower. The large windows were set in the oval room, one on either side and one at the front giving anyone there a great view of the entire city. They are not exactly windows though, for one there's no glass... more like large egg shaped holes in the wall Nannari thought.
The sun was setting, she could just about make out a dim orange light through the tops of the western mountains. Lamps were being activated in the streets below, the sounds of taverns picking up trade and markets closing were very audible despite being this high up. Looking to her left Nannari could make out all of the harbour district and the far reaching Tempest Sea.
A funny thought then occurred to the Ranger. Our people fled across the great Blue Void and through the Tempest Sea. Yet our city is built around this Temple rather than the first few buildings our ancestors made... I suppose at the time the people felt a need to be closer to the Deia. Given her lack of respect for some of the traditions, several high priests and priestesses had gone before the Empress and demanded Nannari's removal from the position of General. It was no secret that Nannari had no taste for all the ceremonial procedures, but she did believe in the Deia and her faith was unwavering.
If more than hour passes though... I may be put to the test she moved a hand from inside her cloak to brush away a lock a dark hair from her face. The scribbling suddenly stopped and the man sat bolt upright. There was an intake of breath from everyone in the chamber. The man stared straight ahead of him through the northern window, his lips moving but no sound coming out. Then he snapped his head to the right and stared directly at Nannari.
“Sister...?” he spoke quietly.
Nannari smiled and leaned over “Yes Bryod, it is me. What is it?”
Bryod merely stared at Nannari for a few moments. His dark hair remained as short as ever and like his sister he had stayed fairly short since coming of age. Nannari tried to hold his gaze for as long as she could, but his ascendancy (what the priests called ascendancy) had changed his eyes so much that she was unable to see her brother in there. Before she looked away though Bryod seemed to return to his senses again, he brushed around the papers on the floor, his ink stained fingers scrambling at the mess of whatever he had written in his stupor. Finally he grabbed up several and shuffled over to Nannari.
“These... these must be heard” Bryod stretched out his hands.
“I will make sure of that brother” Nannari leaned over and took the papers. She stood up and turned to walk over to the priests and officials.
Bryod lunged forward and grabbed Nannari's arm, pulling her back desperately. “Don't tell father! Please! It was an accident.... I-I was just playing, and then I slipped! I know I should have been outside but it was raining and-and...”
“Bryod! Bryod look at me!” Nannari dropped the papers and placed her free hand on her brother's face, gently moving him to face her.
He was lost to a young memory, back before the priesthood, before he ever showed signs of the sight. She remembered that day. Bryod had knocked the mantel piece which father displayed the family crest upon; it fell and cracked right down the middle. Bryod's eyes were so red and watery one would have thought he had been crying for days.
But now, there were no tears, no big brown eyes looking at his sister for help. Just two silvery orbs replaying a simpler time. Nannari took a deep breath “Father is gone until tomorrow. We can fix it, and he'll never know. It will be our secret okay?”
Bryod nodded. “Okay....” and as suddenly as the memory had gripped him, Bryod was taken back to the visions. He crawled back to his quill and pile of parchment to begin another set of scribbles which would take days to decipher.
The ranger turned around, steeling her face to the looks from the priests. The real reason for them not wanting her present had been made apparent yet again. No doubt they would petition the Empress after this.
The Empress, who had been standing in front of the chamber doors for the entire time, seemed completely unmoved by what had happened. Nannari walked to her and knelt down, presenting the latest vision of the Oracle.
“Your Majesty” Nannari kept her head bowed.
“Rise Ranger General” the Empress took the papers as Nannari stood to attention. “Fascinating.... far more eligible than the last... and this symbol again...”
Everyone remained silent as Empress Lynne gave the papers a quick assessment. It did not take long for her to glance over each piece. The Empress smiled and looked at Nannari.
“Your family must be proud. Since your brother became the Oracle, every vision has helped strengthen the Empire”.
“My family is honoured to be of such service to the mighty Krisal Empire, your Majesty” Nannari bowed again.
Lynne nodded her head in agreement. “Such a modest way to speak of a so vital service... you may return to Allunes tomorrow Ranger General”.
Nannari felt her back straighten somewhat “Your Majesty... I was under the impression there were other matters for me to attend here in the capitol?”
“Then you were misinformed” Lynne's smile was gone. “I need certain matters attended beyond our borders. One of our couriers has not contacted us in sometime; he is a close friend to those in the Court and may have certain information which could be as vital as this prophecy. Which is why I require the best to locate him”.
Nannari paused for a second before bowing once more “As her Majesty commands”.
The Empress smiled again, then turned and strode out of the chamber with her entourage. The Ranger clenched her fists in annoyance bordering anger. Thinking me a fool is one thing, using me to get my brother to co-operate is another matter.
“If you please milady” the elderly priest had appeared at her side. “The Oracle must be left alone now in order to best receive the wisdom of Astrai”.
Nannari glared at the man causing him to back up slightly. She turned to look at Bryod one last time, and then left the chamber. Yes... a test of faith this must be she thought bitterly. Each time she visited Bryod had become more stable and easier to talk to. After years of dealing with the priests and them having no luck, it galled them that Nannari could get what they could not. And she had never forgiven the priesthood for what they had done to her little brother.
As she left the Deian Towers her lieutenant awaited her. “What is the word General?”
Nannari kept up her stride as she moved to the stables. “The Empress has lost track of one of her spies. We need to find out where he is and soon.”
Hi David,
I love the setting, it's very intriguing!
Best wishes,
Jane
Hi David, and thanks for sharing your work.
It's obvious that you have a clear vision of what you are describing, but you could improve things with punctuation, and with a little care with grammar (see my comment on 'difference').
It's really hard for anyone to edit their own work - we become blind to what we've actually written and frequently see only what we intended to write - but it's worth reading your work out loud: you'll pick any errors up more easily that way. Bear in mind that even top authors signed up by major publishing houses have there work edited in several ways and then proof-read by professionals before you get to see them in your bookshops.
'The chamber was deadly silent' - why deadly?
'the scratchings of a quill against parchment... scattered papers with various words and drawings etched out on them.' - which is it - paper or parchment? A quill doesn't etch.
'cross legged' - cross-legged
'His watchers for the day remained close to the doors and walls so as not to disturb him, yet each time the man stopped and began to mutter, the observers edged slightly closer, ready to rush up to him and take whatever information' - note additional commas
'he has gleamed' – ‘he had gleaned’
'The only one separate from the others' - try, 'Sitting apart from the others'
'Upon arrival she took a chair, placed it on the edge of the circle of papers' - on the edge of the circle around the papers, or on the papers themselves? Unclear.
'She did not like the pretence of ritual here. Where was the need?' – full stop replacing comma
'The man was clearly lost to his visions and incoherent,' - comma here
'there would be little difference sitting right in front of him than pressing herself into the stonework' - this isn't correct: 'difference' here is used as denoting a comparison, so there has to be a 'between this and/or that', not 'than'.
'The priests did not take kindly to her lack of (what they felt) proper respect' - read that aloud, but without the part in parentheses. The priests aren't offended by what they felt was her proper respect but by her lack of proper respect. If you need to insert (what they felt) which is wrong in itself, it should go before 'her lack'
'The priests did not take kindly to what they felt to be her lack of proper respect' - no brackets required.
'they themselves did not dare approach any closer, glaring at the Ranger was another matter though.' - the comma is wrong; you're using it to join two separate ideas. A full stop would be better.
'Nannari straightened her back more and flexed her knuckles. We've been here for half an hour... why is it that when they say a prophecy is at hand it’s never actually on time?' The ellipsis (...) is wrong here; a full stop would be enough. ‘that’ inserted.
'Thankfully no one could quite make out her bored expression beneath the hood of her cloak.' - how does she know they can't? Better to say 'She hid her bored expression beneath the hood of her cloak.'
'The grey cloak was fastened round her shoulders and clipped together by a badge with the symbol of the Rangers. Nannari was small and skinny so the rest of the cloak almost encompassed the rest of her body.' - you repeat 'cloak' three times in three lines here - avoid repetition.
'the rest of the cloak almost encompassed the rest of her body' - the same applies - avoid repetition.
'However Nannari refused to go unarmed anywhere and as Ranger General, had a certain amount of respect.' - several things here: you need a comma either after 'anywhere' or 'and'. You need 'as Ranger General, she’ and ‘commanded', not 'she had' respect, which implies she offered it towards someone else.
'he was standing near the edge of one of the large chamber windows.' - do you usually say, 'He stood near the edge of the window'? What does that mean? Surely 'he stood near (or by) the window' is enough.
'His wrinkled eyes were positively shining with disdain for Nannari's behaviour but she barely noticed as her eyes were drawn to the view outside.' - I'd change 'her eyes' to 'her attention was drawn' to avoid repetition; and I'd put a comma at least after 'behaviour'
‘They are not exactly windows though, for one there's no glass... more like large egg shaped holes in the wall Nannari thought.’ - punctuation is missing and incorrect here. Also, ‘for one thing’. ‘They are not exactly windows though; for one thing, there's no glass. They're more like large egg-shaped holes in the wall, Nannari thought.’
I'd change this round so that it's less clunky: ‘They are not exactly windows though,’ Nannari thought. ‘For one thing, there's no glass. They're more like large egg-shaped holes in the wall.’
I've just spotted this, too: “What is the word General?” - You need a comma after 'word', or you are not asking the question you intend. What is the word General? The word General denotes a person of senior rank in the army. Do you see?
Don't use ellipses, by the way. They serve a specific purpose, and none of yours are correct.
Ellipsis is used:
1) in dialogue to show that the speaker tails off (and not that he is interrupted)
2) to show that words have been left out, as in 'Nannari kept up...the stables'
3) to show that a sequence continues as already shown: 1,3,5,7...
Hope this helps.
Lorraine