When the skies turn silver...
and my room dusky....
far away in those silver petals...
my eyes quest for you!!!
When the weed in the foil rages...
and my heart smothers...
far away in those hushed woods..
My sanity covets for your laughter!!!
When the melancholy strain drenches my room...
and despair....my soul....
girdled by the poignant rhymes...
the innate me yearns for that invigorating trickle!!!
When desolation engulfs my mortal....
and voids....my soul....
hungered and eluded by the tender passion...
the insatiable inamorata longs for your ardent warmth!!!
When the ken explores to embrace forlorn emotions....and darkness....
and the ears get besotted with silence....
when the ghost gives in to solitude....
and the flesh...to the chill of the eternal light....
the crushed victor....caresses his beloved....emptiness!
For me, I would have used commas rather than ellipses for the pauses and possibly avoid the triple exclamation marks, but maybe that's a personal thing and your use of punctuation is your style. It's certainly expressive, but I found it a little off-putting; I imagined it being read in the style of an am-dram ham.
GUYS...PLEASE READ IT....AND BE CRITICAL...COZ M HELL SERIOUS ABOUT GETTING A BOOK OUT IN POETRY....NEED YOUR COMMENTS....