Empty

by Bethan Grylls
11th August 2016

I climbed a great tree just to feel tall

But when I reached the top I felt nothing at all

I dug my hands deep into the sand

But had never felt so disconnected from this land

I blew a breath and watched its icy trail

But had no ears to listen to my tale

I held out my limbs and let my skin soak

But felt nothing, though the rain did stroke 

I reached into the fire and though it lit a fiery red

I was left unharmed, only my feelings bled 

I turned to you for comfort, but you did not see

And like a window, you looked straight through me

My body lay there in the dirt, but I felt no such thing

Just this emptiness that this limbo did bring.

Comments

Hi Kevin, thanks so much for the feedback! I'm so glad you liked it, but yes I see what you mean! I'll definitely work on it, quite new to poetry, but I'm loving it.

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Bethan
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Bethan Grylls
02/09/2016

Love your poetry more than your Hiaku... hence the no comments from me there.

Im` not a fan of rhyme all the time at the end of line kinda poems, but i love the dark, and this gets more and more dark as you read.

But... Does rain stroke? feels forced to fit the rhyme... and fire a fiery red—don`t compare the colour of fire-red to fire itself... feels like you`re saying fire is fiery.

love the last line... "My body, there in the dirt, numb to feeling; just emptiness that this limbo did bring.

OK, I changed it a bit, but it rung a bell in my heart.

good stuff, keep it up.

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Kevin
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Kevin Phillips
19/08/2016