I climbed a great tree just to feel tall
But when I reached the top I felt nothing at all
I dug my hands deep into the sand
But had never felt so disconnected from this land
I blew a breath and watched its icy trail
But had no ears to listen to my tale
I held out my limbs and let my skin soak
But felt nothing, though the rain did stroke
I reached into the fire and though it lit a fiery red
I was left unharmed, only my feelings bled
I turned to you for comfort, but you did not see
And like a window, you looked straight through me
My body lay there in the dirt, but I felt no such thing
Just this emptiness that this limbo did bring.
Hi Kevin, thanks so much for the feedback! I'm so glad you liked it, but yes I see what you mean! I'll definitely work on it, quite new to poetry, but I'm loving it.
Love your poetry more than your Hiaku... hence the no comments from me there.
Im` not a fan of rhyme all the time at the end of line kinda poems, but i love the dark, and this gets more and more dark as you read.
But... Does rain stroke? feels forced to fit the rhyme... and fire a fiery red—don`t compare the colour of fire-red to fire itself... feels like you`re saying fire is fiery.
love the last line... "My body, there in the dirt, numb to feeling; just emptiness that this limbo did bring.
OK, I changed it a bit, but it rung a bell in my heart.
good stuff, keep it up.