Hi all,
I'm new here and was hoping for some feedback on a short horror story that I'm currently working on. Not sure if this is the right way to go about things, but here it is.
'He never planned on smothering her with it. And if you asked him, he’d claim he doesn’t remember doing it. What he does remember though, is that golden silence after, that euphoric feeling washing over him – peace at last. She’d been dead for an hour when he decided to cut her tongue out. It was only when he killed again, and took his second tongue, that he realised even her tongue had been fat.'
Kelly, thanks for sharing your work.
You're mixing your tenses, which is a little confusing.
'he’d claim he doesn’t remember doing it. What he does remember though,' - everything else is in the past tense and you need to keep it there.
Either: 'And if you asked him, he’d claim he didn’t remember doing it. What he did remember though...'
or: 'And if you ask him, he’ll claim he doesn’t remember doing it. What he does remember though...'
This is otherwise a good beginning. We wonder what 'it' is; The tone is chatty, almost friendly - that informal 'And...' to start the sentence, and 'you' - you're including the reader. Be careful not to include us unless this continues all the way through, though.
The last phrase is a definite catch - it brings us up short, and makes us recoil. Such a banal line, but in the circumstances so telling (though of what, we have yet to learn).
Promising.
Lorraine
Hi Kelly. Wow this is straight to the point, no pussy-footing around and in for the kill! I think this could very well hook any person who's into the horror genre. I like it because it only has three lines but loads of detail. Keep going.
Yep, I think this is the way to go.
Some people write a chapter, poem etc. It's totally up to you.
You can also ask questions in the Q & A section too, people are usually really helpful.
Well done on submitting.