The characters have reached the mighty Marianas Trench...
Sometime later, they reached the mighty Marianas Trench. Peter thought back to the deep trenches on Mars - how deep were they? - and gulped as he contemplated the task ahead. As photographer he had been chosen to go down in a mini-sub to the deep, deep depths of this Trench. At its deepest, it was thought to be 11 km deep, nearly double that of the Valles Marineris at only 7 km deep. He knew he had the latest technology to help him and the lifeline was to be carefully monitored by Lucy. There were to be no games or jokes or mucking around this time, he had been warned! He knew the risks and was going to take great care; and much as he wanted to, he would not be going all the way to the bottom. He wanted his photographs to be the best he had taken and he wanted to live long enough to see them! The depth of the Trench was mind boggling: if Everest (the highest mountain on Earth at 8,850 metres) was placed in the Trench the top of it would be covered by no less than two thousand metres of water! And there was the immense pressure; it would almost be as bad as being on Venus with no protection.
Peter took a deep breath and went through the linking tunnel (just like on the spacecraft) into the mini-sub, specially adapted to withstand very high pressures, with the oxygen tank strapped firmly to his back. He would have to descend very carefully in order not to experience the nasty effects of so much pressure. In a way it was like going for a trip into space he thought. As the craft went lower and lower into the Trench he wondered how his photographs would come out. It was all so very dark. He peered out into the water. Nothing could be seen. He remembered the special flashlight fixed to the front of the sub and switched it on optimistically. He looked out through the window through the murkiness of the water. He gave a jolt of surprise at the range of creatures that met his eye. It surprised him to see so many. Even though there was a long way to go to the bottom he had managed to descend to quite a considerable depth. The sights he had seen on other planets were nothing compared to this other-worldly region. Indeed it was harder to reach the bottom of this piece of this planet than to land on another planet.
Back on board the boat, Lucy clutched a steaming mug of tea in her hands as she watched and waited patiently while she and Danny monitored Peter’s breathing and oxygen levels. It was intense work for all of them. Danny was on alert to physically winch Peter and the special mini sub up to the surface should the need arise.
“What’s up,” cried Lucy. The silence on the communication cord was too long. Had anything happened to Peter?
Back on board the boat, Lucy clutched a steaming mug of tea in her hands as she watched and waited patiently while she and Danny monitored Peter’s breathing and oxygen levels. It was intense work for all of them. Danny was on alert to physically winch Peter and the special mini sub up to the surface should the need arise.
“What’s up,” cried Lucy. The silence on the communication cord was too long. Had anything happened to Peter?
Hi Karen
I chose your extract because I enjoy Sci-Fi and the title suggested this.
The story has tension at the end of the extract. Obviously, I do not know much about the characters but Peter's determination and intent comes through and Lucy's anxiety.
The last two paragraphs, by the way, show up twice here.
Suggestions: try to avoid repeating the same word (first paragraph multiple 'deep' and 'pressure', for example). Also 'He' to start so many sentences in the next paragraph.
Tighten up by losing phrases you don't need e.g. 'It surprised him to see so many.' This is already expressed in the previous sentence.
I am intrigued as to what happened next and enjoyed reading your extract.