FAST LOVE: THE GAME
Part 1: Scene
Where?
Lesbian bar in London. Women only. Male guests must be accompanied by women.
Under the cover of scaffolding.
Underground.
Hidden.
Known.
Drunk man at the door arguing with the security. Holding a bottle of wine in one hand and his dick in the other screaming, ‘Do you want some of this?’
He seems upset.
Neither of us pays any attention. The security is mildly amused.
A group is going down, downstairs, away from the rain and the cold into the womb of possibility.
I follow.
The place envelops me in the softness of sound, light, and women.
There are rules to this type of game in the straight world. Hundreds of tiny cues that are part of my subconscious now. This place brings them all to the surface to be questioned.
Like who makes the first move.
Like attitude.
Like how do I even start?
I am clueless.
I look around. Women sit in pairs. How the hell am I supposed to know which ones are friends and which ones are couples?
Right, they are kissing. Not like friends.
- what are you doing here?
- looking for loooove.
Bar. Vodka tonic.
I use the crowd at the counter as cover and take the opportunity to scan the room.
It disperses fast. I am left standing. Alone.
No signal on my phone so I can't text my friends. Or browse. Or pretend I'm there reading something interesting. Just me, with my drink, standing in a room full of women in pairs.
Awkward does not even begin to describe it.
Move.
I pick up my drink and go to another room. There she sits, one drink on her table, I hope that means she's alone too.
- Is this seat taken?
- No
- Can I?
- Sure
- Hi, I'm Anna
- Hi
I am overcompensating. I sit with legs spread wide, leaning in. I check her out as she talks. She likes the attention but is not responding with the same intensity.
We exchange questions. Sometimes one of us will say something interesting enough that will lead to a mini – conversation, followed by silence. We acknowledge the silence and try to work around it. There are plenty of things we have in common. I like her mind and mild manners. I like her gentle sense of humour.
She's a photographer. Someone who reaches her goals. Someone who's not afraid of going to places alone. Someone who speaks several languages. Well-travelled, dealt with her shit.
Girlfriend material.
I could know more. I could meet her in the light of day. Grab a coffee, hear her say.
But right now, I want to play.
Fast. Loose. Furious.
She leaves. I cancel my plans with friends and stay.
Part 2. Mirror
Bathroom queue. The girl next to me has a princess crown on her phone. I find it extremely cute and tell her. She gives it to me as a gift. I'm amused and thank her.
Her blond hair falls softly on her shoulders. Blue eyes, stranger's eyes reflect interest.
She asks if I want her phone number.
- Sure, I say.
- No really, call me.
- Well, we're here now, we can talk and get to know each other.
- I'm on a date. It's not going very well so...
She punches in the digits.
I am transported to the night I met the singer. I high five her in solidarity. She goes into a cubicle. I leave.
My mirror.
She sees me at the bar. Approaches.
- Hi.
- Hi.
There isn't much to say. We understand each other.
We hug. Long. Close. I am getting used to her curves against mine. I kiss her neck.
We kiss. Hot, hot tongue. For a few seconds, I forget everything. Where I am, who I am.
Hands roaming. Hers on my body, mine on hers.
Her bra has no padding.
I love every second.
We break it off. Look into each other's eyes. Do we recognize each other?
‘I have to go back’, she says.
I leave her to buy drinks. Go sit down. That was intense.
Her date is sitting in front of me.
Part 3. Faster
Bar. I stand around waiting.
For mirror.
Women are bumping into me 'by accident'. They are catching my eye, holding my gaze.
Everyone saw what just happened. I am now 'taken', right? What are the rules of this game?
I am hopeful.
Well hello there.
Another player. Black jacket. Nose stud. Tough. She leaves one girl to saunter over to another, gesticulates, whispers in her ear. Her whole body leans over offering itself. It's fun to watch.
Kudos to you, girl.
Mirror is on the dance floor. Talking to her date. Not paying any attention to me.
It hurts. What did I expect? I expected her to dump her date and come after me. We would make out some more and go to her place to continue our conversation.
What conversation?
Exactly.
It's not happening. Sad face.
Time out. Breathe. Go back. Try again.
Let's see what else is out there.
Tall, long hair. Dancing with her friends. Cute, smiling at me then looking away. Her body dances to the music slowly, from side to side. I approach to say hello. She is nervous. She's not playing. I lose interest.
Next.
Blond angel with a boy cut. Leaning against the wall. She looks so out of place. Her face is sombre. She is not drinking. Just calmly looking around.
- Are you here alone?
- No, I'm working, I'm looking after the floor.
She is surprised at my approach. Her smile is shy. I am charmed. I want to get to know her. Not in a playful way.
Is no one else playing tonight? I need a time out.
On the way, a Spanish hottie grabs my hand. Black hair, olive skin, eyes bright with laughter. ‘Have you met my friend?’, she asks pointing to a tall, squat girl. Her friend is hopeful. Not hot enough.
No really, time out.
I catch my breath sitting in the same seat where girlfriend material sat earlier.
What the hell is going on?
I want more.
The player with the stud in her nose is sitting alone, sulking. I go over to see if there’s something of interest.
- Hey, I saw you getting that number earlier. Nice job
- She was a friend that I hadn't seen for a long time.
- Really? Didn't seem like it.
- Yeah, my date saw me getting her number and left. She got upset but she was genuinely just a friend!
- Oh no.
- Anyway, I wasn't feeling it. When there's attraction, you just know right away, you know?
- Yeah, you're right.
I leave her. There was no attraction.
Something hurt in her. Her game is a mask.
I go back to the Spanish hottie to say hi.
She tries to introduce me to her friend again.
- No darling, you're the one I'm into.
- I'm not gay.
- What a shame.
I caress her cheek and keep walking.
Cute girls are watching me. Observing. Smiling.
I like to be watched.
Part 4. Butch
I had noticed them at the beginning of the night. Two brunettes. Hair, short. Sides, shaved. Skinny jeans, t-shirts, leather jackets, hands in pockets. Haunched shoulders. They were not a couple. They were not playing. Just being there, looking around. I bumped into one of them a few times. No immediate attraction, no come on. She saw me all right but was not gonna rush into my game.
We catch each other’s eye again. The space between us shortens every second. Step. Step.
Mirror comes back and finds me. She introduces me to them – Pam, the one I like and Sonia.
- Do you want to come to Heaven with us?
- What?
- Heaven, it's a club. Do you know it?
- No.
- Ok, go get a pass.
- Where?
- Come, I'll show you.
She takes my hand. We go up. She points to a club with a queue and leaves me to it.
I skip the queue. Go straight for the tough-looking blond guarding the door.
- Can I get a pass to Heaven?
- Sure.
She pulls out a strip of paper and wraps it around my wrist. The pass to heaven is pink.
The puns are making my head explode.
I’m going to heaven. Heaven is pink coloured. Girls will take me there.
Downstairs we wait for Mirror to gather her belongings.
- So how long have you known mirror, Pam asks?
- About 20 minutes. You?
- Yes, same, about 10 minutes. She was here on a date with a friend of my ex-girlfriend.
- It did not go well, I hear
- No. I'm not surprised. Who brings a first date to a bar? It just means you want to have sex. I prefer to cook dinner for my date and talk.
- That's also a very good way to have sex on a first date.
- No, I never have sex on the first date, I prefer to get to know someone first.
Sigh. Goddammit, why do you have to be decent?
- You know what, you're right. That's the way it should be. Yes.
We walk out and head to Heaven.
Pam and Sonia have been friends for a long time. They tease each other over their work history. We split into couples. Butch – femme.
I walk with Pam and cover her with my umbrella. She stops me from being run over by a taxi. I go quiet inside and give way to her masculinity. She tells me about her car. It's a modest version of the one I used to drive in my straight life. I tell her I love driving. She likes my umbrella because it's broken.
This dynamic is so familiar. I know exactly how to do this. I would laugh at one of her jokes. She'll tell more. I'll take her arm. She'll slow down. I'll soften my voice.
We will tell each other a few true things about ourselves.
It will feel like the beginning of a secret that we share.
I shake it off and move to walk with mirror. It's more comfortable.
Part 4. Heaven is a place.
Heaven is a guarded place.
Sonia is aggressive. She gets into arguments with doormen, she tells us, they piss her off.
The gatekeeper at heaven's door seems to know this. He asks how much she's had to drink. She starts to talk smack. Pam stops her with a gesture. Calmly enumerates two gin tonics, one mojito, water. I am impressed.
No one asks how much mirror or I have had to drink. We must not look like trouble.
They pat us down. Check our bags for drugs. Let us through. Insist we go in. No loitering.
Heaven is a place where everyone is welcome.
Girls who like girls, all colours, shapes, and sizes. Going after who they want. Bold. Fast. Beautiful. This fact is known so the stalls in the bathroom are strictly one person only. A policy enforced by a big imposing woman. She multi-tasks, handing out tissues and lotion while pointing at the tip jar.
Boys who like boys, all colours, shapes, and sizes. Full of hormones. Not hiding their erections. Or the intentions in their eyes.
Girls who like to dress like boys. Baggy jeans and hoodies, stooped, all Rn B.
Boys who like to dress like girls. Nails filed to perfection. Coloured black with glitter on top.
Couples.
A few straight souls.
I am lost.
Heaven is a place where everyone is dancing.
Mirror's favourite song comes on. Her body goes wild, horny. She slams Sonia against the wall and starts grinding on her. Sliding up and down, pushing against her. Sonia tries to resist but doesn't really want to. There isn't much she can do but luxuriate in all that raw wanting.
Pam and I look at each other. I don't feel the need to grind. It would be absurd. I like her too much.
Mirror, on the other hand, is another matter. She is wild. Hungry, like me. Shit scared of intimacy, like me. Practical about sex. Let's fuck already. Take me now.
As soon as Sonia leaves to get a drink and recover, I do. I hold both her arms above her head, then bind them behind her back. Bite her lip. Pull her hair, make her kiss my breast.
She touches me. She likes it rough. I stop. I don't want to have sex in public.
We pull apart. ‘It's not working, we're too similar’, she says. ‘Let's be friends’, she says. ‘Feel free to go hunt and come back later. Have fun’, she says.
‘Now I know why you have dinner first.’ I tell Pam.
Heaven is a place where the girls are all beautiful. And they think I'm hot.
My hand is being pulled and caressed gently by a tiny girl in a black mini dress. Thick black hair. Eyeliner. Thick lashes. Soft pink lips.
- Hi
- Hi
She's all smiles and big eyes. Her fingers and my interlace, caress, bond.
- Are you going to the loo?
- Yes.
- Will you find me later?
- Sure
I find her and her friends next to the bathroom entrance. We dance.
- I was looking for you
- That's so sweet.
- You're so pretty, she says.
- So are you
I caress her hair and lean in for a kiss. She gives it to me – short, innocent, no tongue.
- How old are you?
I hesitate for one brief second. I know it will be over once I say it.
- Thirty-two. How old are you?
- I'm twenty-two.
- Oh no!
- You having a good night?
- Yes, I am. Have a good night too sweetie.
I squeeze her hands and leave.
Heaven is a place that feels like a candy store. The high is fast and furious. The sugar crash leaves you in need of a hug.
I reach our odd group. Lay my head on Pam's shoulder. Sigh.
- Are you ok? She asks with genuine concern.
- Yes. I want to close my eyes and stay like this forever.
She doesn't want to be my comfort for too long.
Heaven is a place of realization.
Sonia approaches me and tries to dance. She is drunk. I tell her I need a drink and leave.
The last piece of the puzzle slides into place and hits me like a punch in the gut. I've lived this before. I've been Sonia before. With Her. She also left without a word or needed to get another drink or talk to someone else or go do something. Anything to avoid being with me. The shame burns through me. Fuuuuck. I really need a drink.
The pretty innocent girl found me. She's moved her group of friends all the way to the other side of the dance floor, where we are stewing in our thoughts. Or hunting – Mirror is making out with someone's girlfriend. The guy looks at a loss of action.
Her friend really wants my attention. She is shaking that ass. Pretty innocent girl is smiling at me. I go over.
- You left, she says.
- I thought you wanted me to.
- No
Nancy Sinatra’s ‘Boots made for walking’ is played.
- Oh this is my favourite song, I say
- I don't know it, she frowns.
- It's very old.
This makes her smile. I give her innocence some space.
- You love dancing, I say, let's dance.
She shimmies, undulating her body to the music. Looks up at me with a look of pure adoration. Beaming with happiness. Covers her face, giggling.
She wants to talk and get to know each other.
I have nothing to give her but this dance.
Heaven is a place where John Legend croons “Cause I give you all of me and you give me all of you”.
Boys who like boys touch their hearts and throw their arms out, singing into the sky. Girls who like girls gently sway, caressing each other's faces.
They want love, love, love. They will snog, grind, shag and try to connect with perfect strangers to find it.
Isn't this exactly what I wanted?
Isn't fast love what I'm looking for?
Heaven is a place where dreams come true at midnight and disappear at dawn.
I walk home.
Alone.
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