The Final Question

by Ian Moore
14th December 2016

                                              Ian Moore

 Chapter 1 

The  atmosphere  felt  cold  on  this  beautiful  summers  day  in  July  1942.            The  afternoon  sun  was  burning  bright  over  the  city  of  Paris.  France  had  been  occupied  by  Germany  since  1940.  German  soldiers  were  standing  guard  on  every  street corner.                                                                                                                                                                It  was  Max’s  fifteenth  birthday  and  as  a  treat,  his mother  had  given  him  some  money  for  an  ice  cream,  from  Jean-Pierre’s  delicatessen  at  the  corner  of  their  street.  Max  and  his  friend  Harvey  are  waiting   at  the  rear  door  of  the  delicatessen.  Max  was  tall  for  his  age,  six  foot,  had  a  crop  of  brown hair  and  handsome  looks.  He  was  a  loyal  son  who  was  always  happy  to  help  his  parents.  Run  errands,  do  chores  and  even  cook  sometimes.  Max  and  Harvey  both  had  the  yellow  star  of  David  on  the  left  chest  of  their  shirts,  that  was  compulsory  for  all  Jews  to  wear.                                                                                                          Max’s  Max's family  had  lived  in  France  for  three  years,  since  fleeing  Germany  with  his  parents  and  his  sister  Anna,  after  Hitler  had  declared  war  on  Europe  and  the  persecution  of  Jews  had  escalated.  His  mother, Miriam  was  a  nurse  but  had  to  put  her  career  on  hold  and  Leo,  his  father,  was  a  teacher,  but  was  banned  from  teaching. Anna  is  sixteen  and  has  her  fathers  looks.  She  was  small  with  a  round  face  and  glossy  black  hair.  She  had  become  quiet  and  timid  since  they  lived  in  France,  petrified  of  the  German  soldiers.                                                                                                         The  Nazis  were  now  persecuting  the  Jews  in France.  Curfews  were  put  in  place.  Reduced  rations  began  and  they  were  restricted  to  certain  areas  and  banned  from  using  public  transport.                                                                          So  he  wouldn’t  be  punished  by  the  Nazi’s,  Jean-Pierre  would  serve  Max  and  Harvey  from  the  rear  of  his  store.  He  knew  Max’s  family  well.  He  had  given  his  mother  a  job  when  she  had  first  arrived  from  Germany  but  now,  with  the  Germans  had  forbidden  Jews  to  work  so  he  had  to  finish  her.  Sometimes  he  would  give  the  family  extra  food  towards  their  rations.                                             The  rear  door  opened.  “Hello  Max”  greeted  Jean-Pierre,  “how  are  you?  What  can  I  get  you  today?”  “Hi,  can  I  have  a  chocolate  ice  cream  please.  “I’ll  have  a  strawberry  flavour  please.”  Says  Harvey.  Jean-Pierre  scoops  the  ice  cream  into  the  cones  and  gives  them  one  each.                                                         “Where  is  your  sister?”  He  asks  Max.  “She  is  at  home.  She  will only  leave  the  house  with  my  mother  or  father.”  Says  Max.    Jean-Pierre  then  scoops  another  ice  cream  into  a  cone  and  hands  it  to  Max.  “Give  one  to  her  also.”     Max  and  Harvey  thank  Jean-Pierre,  pay  him,  and  leave  down  the  alley  that  runs  behind  the  block  opposite  their  apartment.  Max  and  Harvey  have  their  own route  through  the  alleyways.  They  would  try  and  keep  out  of  sight  of  any  Nazi  soldiers,  who,  depending  on what  mood  they were  in,  would  give  them  a  kicking  or  other  children  would  shout  obscenities  at  them:  Jew  rat.  Jew  go  home.  They  stopped  as  they  approached  the  exit  onto  their  street,  and  looked  up  and  down  to  be  certain  it  is  clear  before  they  emerge  from  the  alley.  They  lived  in  the  adjoining  apartment  building  near  the  Eiffel  Tower  and  had  become  best  friends  ever  since  Max  had  moved  to  France.  They  hurried  down  the  tree  lined  street,  towards  their  apartment block  that  had  all  the  windows  blacked-out.  Harvey  and  Max  say  “goodbye”  to  one  another  and  each  enters  his  doorway.  Max   didn’t  notice  the  German  soldier  sitting  inside  the  army  truck  opposite  his  the  block. Max plodded   up  the  stairs  with  a  cornet  in  each  hand  careful  not  to  drop  them.  In  the  afternoon  heat,  the  ice  creams  were  melting  down  his  hands  and  he  started  licking  the  melting  ice  cream  before  it  dripped  off  his  fingers.       On  reaching  the  first  floor  landing,  he  notices  there  are  two  German  soldiers,  standing  guard  at  his  apartment  door  which  was  half  open.  As  he  got  near  he  heard  the  loud  voice  of  a  man  shouting.  One  of  the  soldiers  grabbed  Max  by  the  collar  and  he  dropped  the  ice  creams..  He  pushed  Max  through  the  door,  into  the  lounge,  were  his  mother  was  sitting  on  the  sofa  with  her  arms  wrapped  around  his  crying  sister.  His  father  was  sitting  at  the  table  with  his  head  bowed.  He  looks  up  at  Max  as  he  enters  the  room.  He  is  trying  not  to  show  any  emotion,  trying  not  to  cry  in  front  of  his  family  and  showing  strength  to  the  Nazi.  Max  walks  further  into  the  room.  To  his  right  standing  by  the  open  window  was  the  man  who  was  shouting.  He  was  wearing  a  SS colonels  uniform.  He  says to  Max.  “You  must  be  the  son.  Stand  over  there.”  He  points  at  a  spot  next  to  his  father.  Max  rushes  to  his  fathers  side.  There  is  another  soldier  in  the  apartment  who  was  searching  the  bedrooms.  This  was  the  second  time  the  Nazis  had  searched  Max’s  home  in  the  last week.  On  this  occasion  the  colonel  was  very  angry  and  he  was  accusing  Max’s  father  of  being  a  member  of  the  resistance  and  of  being  seen  outside  of  the  curfew  hours,  that  the  Nazis  had  put  in  place  in  the  Jewish  quarter  in  Paris.  8pm till 6am.  He  also  said  that  he  had  been  informed  that  the  father  was  selling  contraband  on  the  black  market.                                                                      The  second  soldier  appeared  in  the  doorway  and  the  colonel ordered  him. “Take   the  mother  and  children  in  to  the  other  room.”  The  soldier  marched  Max  and  his  mother  and  sister  into  the  next  room  and  locked  the  door.                      Mother  was  now  sobbing  now  and  the  sister  was  starting  to  panic.  Max  was  struck  with  fear  and  kept  asking  his  mother  “what  is  happening?  What are  they  doing  with  father.”  “Everything  will  be  fine.”  She  said,  knowing  that  this time  the  Germans  are  going  to  take  father  away.  Through  the  walls,  the  raised  voice  of the  colonel  could  still  be  heard,  and  he  was  still  demanding  to  know  what Max’s  father  was  doing  out  after  the  curfew. “I  was  not  out.  It  wasn’t  me.  You  are  mistaken.  You  have the  wrong  man”  he  said  back  with  a  plea  that  fell  on  deaf  ears.                                      

Comments

Thanks for the feedback Lorraine. It does help a lot. I am still working on the draft.

At the time in France, it was only the Jews who were on rations but the deli owner is sympathetic to the suffering of the Jewish people.

The story is about a Nazi Colonel who kills Harvey and Max's mother and sister. After the war, the Colonel flees to America and starts a new life in New York. Twenty five years later his son graduates from University and brings his girlfriend home to meet his parents. The girlfriend is Jewish and they plan to marry. The father is furious and attempts to kill his sons fiancé. He is caught and his identity is revealed and he is sent back to Germany to face justice.

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Ian
Moore
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Ian Moore
18/12/2016

Hello, Ian, thanks for sharing your work.

This is a very rough first draft, but you need to sort out some problems now, before you go too far with it. It's better to do so from the beginning than to have to correct a long piece later.

First of all, the layout is distracting. Maybe copying this from another place has corrupted it, but fresh paras should start on fresh lines.

Your punctuation, especially in dialogue, is random and needs tightening up.

You're mixing your tenses. Was, had, is, are - stick to past or present, but not both. Did the events take place yesterday, or are they happening now? You must decide.

'Anna is sixteen and has her fathers looks. She was small with a round face and glossy black hair.' - tenses are wrong, apostrophe missing at 'fathers looks'

' looked up and down to be certain it is clear before they emerge from the alley. They lived' - tenses

'They hurried...Max and Harvey say...enters his doorway...didn't notice...Max plodded' and so forth. There is too much of this throughout.

'Reduced rations began' - There is rationing in place - severe in occupied France by 1942, at less than 1400cals per day for a working adult - and yet you have different flavours of ice-cream on sale. Have you researched this?

'to put her career on hold' - not a phrase used in 1942

'... but now, with the Germans had forbidden Jews to work so he had to finish her.' - read that aloud. It makes no sense.

' opposite his the block.' - same applies

'Max’s Max's family' - ditto

'The second soldier appeared in the doorway and the colonel ordered him.' - ordered him to do what?

' “Hi, can I have a chocolate ice cream please. “I’ll have a strawberry flavour please.” Says Harvey.' - your punctuation is all wrong here, and 'Says Harvey' is not a sentence.

' She said, knowing that this time the Germans are going to take father away.' Tenses, punctuation. When you have a line of dialogue followed by 'she said', you end the dialogue with a comma inside the speech marks, and a lower case 's' at 'she'.

'colonels uniform' - colonel's uniform.

Ian, you need to read your work aloud to hear what works and what doesn't. You'll then pick up on the shift in tenses from past to present, which I am assuming is not deliberate.

Rule Number One: check your facts. Writing historical fiction carries with it certain responsibilities, and you must aim for accuracy.

The scene you are describing should be a strong one, but it is undermined by the faults I've noted.

Hope this helps.

Lorraine

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Lorraine
Swoboda
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Lorraine Swoboda
16/12/2016