Ian Moore
Chapter 1
The atmosphere felt cold on this beautiful summers day in July 1942. The afternoon sun was burning bright over the city of Paris. France had been occupied by Germany since 1940. German soldiers were standing guard on every street corner. It was Max’s fifteenth birthday and as a treat, his mother had given him some money for an ice cream, from Jean-Pierre’s delicatessen at the corner of their street. Max and his friend Harvey are waiting at the rear door of the delicatessen. Max was tall for his age, six foot, had a crop of brown hair and handsome looks. He was a loyal son who was always happy to help his parents. Run errands, do chores and even cook sometimes. Max and Harvey both had the yellow star of David on the left chest of their shirts, that was compulsory for all Jews to wear. Max’s Max's family had lived in France for three years, since fleeing Germany with his parents and his sister Anna, after Hitler had declared war on Europe and the persecution of Jews had escalated. His mother, Miriam was a nurse but had to put her career on hold and Leo, his father, was a teacher, but was banned from teaching. Anna is sixteen and has her fathers looks. She was small with a round face and glossy black hair. She had become quiet and timid since they lived in France, petrified of the German soldiers. The Nazis were now persecuting the Jews in France. Curfews were put in place. Reduced rations began and they were restricted to certain areas and banned from using public transport. So he wouldn’t be punished by the Nazi’s, Jean-Pierre would serve Max and Harvey from the rear of his store. He knew Max’s family well. He had given his mother a job when she had first arrived from Germany but now, with the Germans had forbidden Jews to work so he had to finish her. Sometimes he would give the family extra food towards their rations. The rear door opened. “Hello Max” greeted Jean-Pierre, “how are you? What can I get you today?” “Hi, can I have a chocolate ice cream please. “I’ll have a strawberry flavour please.” Says Harvey. Jean-Pierre scoops the ice cream into the cones and gives them one each. “Where is your sister?” He asks Max. “She is at home. She will only leave the house with my mother or father.” Says Max. Jean-Pierre then scoops another ice cream into a cone and hands it to Max. “Give one to her also.” Max and Harvey thank Jean-Pierre, pay him, and leave down the alley that runs behind the block opposite their apartment. Max and Harvey have their own route through the alleyways. They would try and keep out of sight of any Nazi soldiers, who, depending on what mood they were in, would give them a kicking or other children would shout obscenities at them: Jew rat. Jew go home. They stopped as they approached the exit onto their street, and looked up and down to be certain it is clear before they emerge from the alley. They lived in the adjoining apartment building near the Eiffel Tower and had become best friends ever since Max had moved to France. They hurried down the tree lined street, towards their apartment block that had all the windows blacked-out. Harvey and Max say “goodbye” to one another and each enters his doorway. Max didn’t notice the German soldier sitting inside the army truck opposite his the block. Max plodded up the stairs with a cornet in each hand careful not to drop them. In the afternoon heat, the ice creams were melting down his hands and he started licking the melting ice cream before it dripped off his fingers. On reaching the first floor landing, he notices there are two German soldiers, standing guard at his apartment door which was half open. As he got near he heard the loud voice of a man shouting. One of the soldiers grabbed Max by the collar and he dropped the ice creams.. He pushed Max through the door, into the lounge, were his mother was sitting on the sofa with her arms wrapped around his crying sister. His father was sitting at the table with his head bowed. He looks up at Max as he enters the room. He is trying not to show any emotion, trying not to cry in front of his family and showing strength to the Nazi. Max walks further into the room. To his right standing by the open window was the man who was shouting. He was wearing a SS colonels uniform. He says to Max. “You must be the son. Stand over there.” He points at a spot next to his father. Max rushes to his fathers side. There is another soldier in the apartment who was searching the bedrooms. This was the second time the Nazis had searched Max’s home in the last week. On this occasion the colonel was very angry and he was accusing Max’s father of being a member of the resistance and of being seen outside of the curfew hours, that the Nazis had put in place in the Jewish quarter in Paris. 8pm till 6am. He also said that he had been informed that the father was selling contraband on the black market. The second soldier appeared in the doorway and the colonel ordered him. “Take the mother and children in to the other room.” The soldier marched Max and his mother and sister into the next room and locked the door. Mother was now sobbing now and the sister was starting to panic. Max was struck with fear and kept asking his mother “what is happening? What are they doing with father.” “Everything will be fine.” She said, knowing that this time the Germans are going to take father away. Through the walls, the raised voice of the colonel could still be heard, and he was still demanding to know what Max’s father was doing out after the curfew. “I was not out. It wasn’t me. You are mistaken. You have the wrong man” he said back with a plea that fell on deaf ears.
Thanks for the feedback Lorraine. It does help a lot. I am still working on the draft.
At the time in France, it was only the Jews who were on rations but the deli owner is sympathetic to the suffering of the Jewish people.
The story is about a Nazi Colonel who kills Harvey and Max's mother and sister. After the war, the Colonel flees to America and starts a new life in New York. Twenty five years later his son graduates from University and brings his girlfriend home to meet his parents. The girlfriend is Jewish and they plan to marry. The father is furious and attempts to kill his sons fiancé. He is caught and his identity is revealed and he is sent back to Germany to face justice.
Hello, Ian, thanks for sharing your work.
This is a very rough first draft, but you need to sort out some problems now, before you go too far with it. It's better to do so from the beginning than to have to correct a long piece later.
First of all, the layout is distracting. Maybe copying this from another place has corrupted it, but fresh paras should start on fresh lines.
Your punctuation, especially in dialogue, is random and needs tightening up.
You're mixing your tenses. Was, had, is, are - stick to past or present, but not both. Did the events take place yesterday, or are they happening now? You must decide.
'Anna is sixteen and has her fathers looks. She was small with a round face and glossy black hair.' - tenses are wrong, apostrophe missing at 'fathers looks'
' looked up and down to be certain it is clear before they emerge from the alley. They lived' - tenses
'They hurried...Max and Harvey say...enters his doorway...didn't notice...Max plodded' and so forth. There is too much of this throughout.
'Reduced rations began' - There is rationing in place - severe in occupied France by 1942, at less than 1400cals per day for a working adult - and yet you have different flavours of ice-cream on sale. Have you researched this?
'to put her career on hold' - not a phrase used in 1942
'... but now, with the Germans had forbidden Jews to work so he had to finish her.' - read that aloud. It makes no sense.
' opposite his the block.' - same applies
'Max’s Max's family' - ditto
'The second soldier appeared in the doorway and the colonel ordered him.' - ordered him to do what?
' “Hi, can I have a chocolate ice cream please. “I’ll have a strawberry flavour please.” Says Harvey.' - your punctuation is all wrong here, and 'Says Harvey' is not a sentence.
' She said, knowing that this time the Germans are going to take father away.' Tenses, punctuation. When you have a line of dialogue followed by 'she said', you end the dialogue with a comma inside the speech marks, and a lower case 's' at 'she'.
'colonels uniform' - colonel's uniform.
Ian, you need to read your work aloud to hear what works and what doesn't. You'll then pick up on the shift in tenses from past to present, which I am assuming is not deliberate.
Rule Number One: check your facts. Writing historical fiction carries with it certain responsibilities, and you must aim for accuracy.
The scene you are describing should be a strong one, but it is undermined by the faults I've noted.
Hope this helps.
Lorraine