Ian Moore
Chapter 2
The night shadows were falling by the time the gray German army truck entered the gates of Drancy internment camp that the Nazis designated to the Jews in Paris. The camp was made up of old tenement buildings and was used as the halfway house for onward travel to one of the SS concentration camps. The camp is run by the French police, who are under the command of the Gestapo, who ruled with an iron fist. Max and his family arrived on the Wednesday evening. They were ordered to stand outside a long wooden shed, in a line with other prisoners, waiting to be registered. Miriam starts having a coughing fit and sits on the floor to regain her breath. A guard shouts at her to stand on her feet. Max and Anna help their mother up and hold her as they are marched into the shed. They gave the man sitting behind a desk, their names, age and relationship to each other. The prisoners were then taken outside to wait to be shown what room they would be staying in. People were saying we would be here only for a week, that the police were looking for resistance supporters and when they had checked our documents, we would be allowed to return to our homes. Max didn't have much hope in that. They are all stood in the courtyard, when the gate opens and another truck, loaded with more prisoners, drives into the camp. The new intake of prisoners are ordered out from the rear of the truck. As Max stands watching, he notices his friend Harvey emerge from the truck. He called over to Harvey, who looked over and gave Max a wave. Harvey and his group were also ordered into the shed to be registered. Max, Anna and Miriam are still waiting in the courtyard when Harvey emerges from the registration room and tells Max that the Germans had also took his mother and father and he was here alone. Max looks at his mother. She says. “Its OK, Harvey can stay with us.” Conditions in Drancy were terrible. Overcrowding was a problem with twenty people forced to share a room that was only big enough for six people. The stench of human waste seemed to burn the back of your throat with every breath people took. All night long people were screaming, shouting and crying. A man appears and introduces himself as Benjamin, the camp Rabbi. He has been at the Drancy for two months. He is designated as a block leader and someone who could delegate between guards and prisoners. Benjamin says to Max. “Follow me, I will show you where to go. Have you a cup or bowl”? Anna looks at Miriam, she shrugs her shoulders and says “no, nothing. We only have the clothes on our backs.” They follow Benjamin into a room and each are given a cup, a bowl and a blanket. Benjamin then guides them to a block and tells them some rules to adhere by. They couldn’t move about from block to block, couldn’t have visitors and to stay away from the windows.
Benjamin opens the block door and a rat runs out between Harvey’s legs followed by the smell of urine and faeces which made Miriam baulk and she put her hand over her mouth. Benjamin laughed and told them they would get used to it. The first room they look at, is so packed with people, you couldn’t see the floor. It was only after visiting the fifth bock, that they finally found space in a room on the top floor. The room is baking hot which made the smell even worse. Straw was used as a mattress to sleep on which was damp and infested with lice and bugs. Anna began to cry again. Max pulls her into the hall and tells her sternly. “Anna, you must try to be more calm. I know its difficult but you cannot be seen to cry all the time, it makes you look weak and like a child. You have to be in control now. Soon, it will get better and we will be back home. I will be with you always.” Max begins to make his bed up in a space by the window next to Anna, then he helps his mother make her bed next to Harvey. A bell was rang to signal that the rations were about to be given out. They join a long line with other prisoners waiting for food, rationed to a piece of bread and watery soup. They had been at Drancy for a week, and Max was becoming more concerned with his mothers health. On Sundays, the Red Cross are allowed into the camp, to give prisoners medical aid. Anna takes her mother to the medical block were the nurse gave her one spoonful of a thick black oily medicine, but still, she was making no progress. As they are coming back across the courtyard, Anna stands and watches as Benjamin is put onto a truck that was crammed full of other prisoners and driven out of the gate. Anna asks one of the guards. "Where are they were taking the prisoners." "To Auschwitz" he barked back." You will see them again soon." It was the first time that Anna had heard the name Auschwitz. Living conditions in Drancy are terrible. Overcrowding and the stench of human waste seemed to burn the back of your throat with each breath people took. All night long, people were screaming and shouting and crying. One morning, Miriam was too ill to go downstairs for rations so Max, Anna and Harvey leave her in bed and go to get some food and water. When they return, Miriam is not in the room. They go to ask one of the block leaders if they know where she is. “I have not seen or heard anything of your mother.” The leader replies. Max and Anna start to search the camp for their mother. She is not in the medical block and the camp commander does not have a record of her whereabouts. While they were walking back across the courtyard, they notice two porters each pushing a trolley towards a truck, loaded with dead bodies, covered with a blanket. Max stops and watches as they start to place the bodies onto the truck. Max starts to walk towards the truck with Anna following. A blanket falls from the face of one of the bodies and their mothers lifeless eyes are staring back at them. Anna falls to the floor crying hysterically.
Thanks Lorraine. I am grateful for the advice. Now working on editing the draft now.
Hi Ian,
Again you are mixing past and present tenses, even within sentences.
'The camp was ...and was used...The camp is run by the French police, who are under the command of the Gestapo, who ruled with an iron fist.'
'A bell was rang' - wrong: a bell was rung
'the rations were...They join'; 'Anna stands and watches as Benjamin is put onto a truck that was crammed'; While they were walking back across the courtyard, they notice' - there are too many examples to note here.
' were the nurse gave her' - 'where'
' their mothers lifeless eyes' - you mean 'their mother's lifeless eyes'
'People were saying we would be here only for a week, that the police were looking for resistance supporters and when they had checked our documents, we would be allowed to return to our homes.' - How did 'we' get into this story? It's written in third person, not first.
'they notice two porters each pushing a trolley towards a truck, loaded with dead bodies' - as written, each porter is pushing a trolley loaded with dead bodies towards a truck
This reads too much as though you've made notes about your story and have simply copied them into the text. This is particularly clear in the last paragraph:
'Max stops and watches as they start to place the bodies onto the truck. Max starts to walk towards the truck with Anna following. A blanket falls from the face of one of the bodies and their mothers lifeless eyes are staring back at them. Anna falls to the floor crying hysterically.'
These are bullet-points on a list of things you intend to include, but haven't actually written yet - mere stage directions.
You must be consistent. You've got a strong story to tell, as you have explained it to me, but this isn't how to do it. As a very rough first draft, it's okay, and we get the gist, but as I said before, you have to get to grips with tenses and punctuation now, before you go too far. Otherwise you risk missing the faults and carrying them on through to the finished thing - and that would be unreadable.
Hope this helps.
Lorraine