The Final Question

by Ian Moore
18th December 2016

 Ian Moore

 Chapter 2

 The  night  shadows  were  falling  by  the  time  the  gray  German  army  truck  entered  the  gates  of  Drancy  internment  camp  that  the  Nazis  designated  to  the  Jews  in   Paris.  The  camp  was  made  up  of  old  tenement  buildings  and  was  used  as  the  halfway  house  for onward  travel  to  one  of  the  SS  concentration  camps.  The  camp  is  run  by  the  French  police,  who  are  under  the  command  of  the  Gestapo,  who  ruled  with  an  iron  fist.                                                                     Max  and  his  family  arrived  on  the  Wednesday  evening.   They  were  ordered  to stand  outside  a  long  wooden  shed,  in  a  line  with  other  prisoners,  waiting  to  be  registered.  Miriam  starts  having  a  coughing  fit  and  sits  on  the  floor  to  regain  her  breath.  A  guard  shouts  at  her  to  stand  on  her  feet.  Max  and  Anna  help  their  mother  up  and  hold  her  as  they  are  marched  into  the  shed.  They  gave  the  man  sitting  behind  a  desk,  their  names,  age  and  relationship  to  each  other.  The  prisoners  were  then  taken  outside  to  wait  to  be  shown  what  room  they   would  be  staying  in.                   People  were  saying  we  would  be  here  only  for  a  week,  that  the  police  were  looking  for  resistance  supporters  and  when  they  had  checked  our  documents,  we  would  be  allowed  to  return  to  our  homes.  Max  didn't  have  much  hope  in  that.  They  are  all  stood  in  the  courtyard,  when  the  gate  opens  and  another  truck,  loaded  with  more  prisoners,  drives  into  the  camp.  The  new  intake  of  prisoners  are  ordered  out  from  the  rear  of  the  truck.   As  Max  stands  watching,  he  notices  his  friend  Harvey  emerge  from  the  truck.  He  called  over  to  Harvey,  who  looked  over  and  gave  Max  a  wave.  Harvey  and  his  group  were  also  ordered  into  the  shed  to  be  registered.  Max,  Anna   and  Miriam  are  still  waiting  in  the  courtyard  when  Harvey  emerges  from  the  registration  room  and  tells  Max  that  the  Germans  had  also  took  his  mother  and  father  and  he  was  here  alone.  Max  looks  at  his  mother.  She  says.  “Its  OK,  Harvey  can  stay  with  us.”                                                                                                                        Conditions in Drancy were terrible. Overcrowding  was  a  problem  with  twenty  people  forced  to  share  a  room  that  was  only  big  enough  for  six  people. The stench of human waste seemed to burn the back of your throat with every breath people took.  All  night  long  people  were  screaming,  shouting  and  crying.                                                                                    A  man  appears  and  introduces  himself  as  Benjamin,  the  camp  Rabbi.  He  has  been  at  the  Drancy  for  two  months.  He  is  designated  as  a  block  leader  and  someone  who  could  delegate  between  guards  and  prisoners.  Benjamin  says  to  Max.  “Follow  me,  I  will  show  you  where  to  go.  Have  you  a  cup  or  bowl”?  Anna  looks  at  Miriam,  she  shrugs  her  shoulders  and  says “no,  nothing.  We  only  have  the  clothes  on  our  backs.”  They  follow  Benjamin  into  a  room   and  each  are  given  a  cup,  a  bowl  and  a  blanket.  Benjamin  then  guides   them  to  a  block  and  tells  them  some  rules  to  adhere  by.  They  couldn’t  move  about  from   block  to  block,  couldn’t  have  visitors  and  to  stay  away  from  the  windows.                    

Benjamin  opens  the  block  door   and  a  rat  runs  out  between  Harvey’s  legs  followed  by  the  smell  of  urine  and  faeces  which  made  Miriam  baulk  and  she  put  her  hand  over  her  mouth.  Benjamin   laughed  and  told  them  they  would  get  used  to  it.                                                                                  The  first  room  they  look  at,  is  so  packed  with  people,  you  couldn’t  see  the  floor.  It  was  only  after  visiting  the  fifth  bock,  that  they  finally  found  space  in  a  room  on  the  top  floor.  The  room  is  baking  hot  which  made  the  smell  even  worse.  Straw  was  used  as  a  mattress  to  sleep  on  which  was  damp  and  infested  with  lice  and  bugs.                                Anna  began  to  cry  again.  Max  pulls  her  into  the  hall  and  tells  her  sternly. “Anna,  you  must  try  to  be  more  calm.  I  know  its  difficult  but  you  cannot  be  seen  to  cry  all  the  time,  it  makes  you  look  weak  and  like  a  child.  You  have  to  be  in  control  now.  Soon,  it  will  get  better  and  we  will  be  back  home.  I  will  be  with  you  always.”                        Max  begins  to  make  his  bed  up  in  a  space  by  the  window  next  to  Anna,  then  he  helps  his  mother  make  her  bed  next  to  Harvey.                                                                                     A  bell  was  rang  to  signal  that  the  rations  were  about  to  be  given  out.  They  join  a  long  line  with  other  prisoners  waiting  for  food,  rationed  to  a  piece  of  bread  and  watery  soup.  They  had  been  at  Drancy  for  a  week,  and  Max  was  becoming  more  concerned  with  his  mothers  health.  On  Sundays,  the  Red  Cross are  allowed  into  the  camp,  to  give  prisoners medical aid.  Anna  takes  her  mother  to  the  medical  block  were  the  nurse  gave  her  one  spoonful  of  a  thick  black  oily  medicine,  but  still,  she  was  making  no  progress.                                                                                                       As  they  are  coming  back  across  the  courtyard,  Anna  stands  and  watches  as  Benjamin  is  put  onto  a  truck  that  was  crammed  full  of  other  prisoners  and  driven  out  of  the  gate.  Anna  asks  one  of  the  guards. "Where  are  they  were taking  the  prisoners." "To Auschwitz"  he  barked  back."  You  will  see  them  again  soon."  It  was  the  first  time  that  Anna  had  heard  the  name  Auschwitz.                                                                                                 Living  conditions  in  Drancy  are  terrible.  Overcrowding  and  the  stench  of  human  waste  seemed  to  burn  the  back  of  your  throat  with  each  breath  people  took.  All  night  long,  people  were  screaming  and  shouting  and  crying.                     One  morning,  Miriam  was  too  ill  to  go  downstairs  for  rations  so  Max,  Anna  and  Harvey  leave  her  in  bed  and  go  to  get  some  food  and  water.  When  they  return,  Miriam  is  not  in  the  room.  They  go  to  ask  one  of  the  block  leaders  if  they  know  where  she  is.  “I  have  not  seen  or  heard  anything  of  your  mother.”  The  leader  replies.  Max  and  Anna  start  to  search  the  camp  for  their  mother.  She  is  not  in  the  medical  block  and  the  camp  commander  does  not  have  a  record  of  her  whereabouts.  While  they  were  walking  back  across  the  courtyard,  they  notice  two  porters  each  pushing  a  trolley  towards  a  truck,  loaded  with  dead  bodies,  covered  with  a  blanket.  Max  stops  and  watches  as  they  start  to  place  the  bodies  onto  the  truck.  Max  starts  to  walk  towards  the  truck  with  Anna  following.  A  blanket  falls  from  the  face  of  one  of  the  bodies  and  their  mothers  lifeless  eyes  are  staring  back  at  them.  Anna  falls  to  the  floor  crying  hysterically.                                                                                                                                                                           

 

Comments

Thanks Lorraine. I am grateful for the advice. Now working on editing the draft now.

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Ian
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Ian Moore
01/01/2017

Hi Ian,

Again you are mixing past and present tenses, even within sentences.

'The camp was ...and was used...The camp is run by the French police, who are under the command of the Gestapo, who ruled with an iron fist.'

'A bell was rang' - wrong: a bell was rung

'the rations were...They join'; 'Anna stands and watches as Benjamin is put onto a truck that was crammed'; While they were walking back across the courtyard, they notice' - there are too many examples to note here.

' were the nurse gave her' - 'where'

' their mothers lifeless eyes' - you mean 'their mother's lifeless eyes'

'People were saying we would be here only for a week, that the police were looking for resistance supporters and when they had checked our documents, we would be allowed to return to our homes.' - How did 'we' get into this story? It's written in third person, not first.

'they notice two porters each pushing a trolley towards a truck, loaded with dead bodies' - as written, each porter is pushing a trolley loaded with dead bodies towards a truck

This reads too much as though you've made notes about your story and have simply copied them into the text. This is particularly clear in the last paragraph:

'Max stops and watches as they start to place the bodies onto the truck. Max starts to walk towards the truck with Anna following. A blanket falls from the face of one of the bodies and their mothers lifeless eyes are staring back at them. Anna falls to the floor crying hysterically.'

These are bullet-points on a list of things you intend to include, but haven't actually written yet - mere stage directions.

You must be consistent. You've got a strong story to tell, as you have explained it to me, but this isn't how to do it. As a very rough first draft, it's okay, and we get the gist, but as I said before, you have to get to grips with tenses and punctuation now, before you go too far. Otherwise you risk missing the faults and carrying them on through to the finished thing - and that would be unreadable.

Hope this helps.

Lorraine

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Lorraine
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