A Final Sale

by Asuntha Adams
1st February 2014

A/N: This is my first submission, and I'm just posting it to see if you guys like it. It's an old work, from around 3 years ago. (please, give me some kind of feedback?)

Yesterday should have been a great day. One of the best ever. But it turned out to be around the worst I’d ever had.

I met them by chance. Tris, my idiotic friend from middle school, had come back after all those long ten years she’d spent abroad for higher studies. Apparently Leah and Alex were aware of her arrival, and they’d met up with her. I saw them when I was passing Liberty Plaza- they were hard to miss; all of them animatedly talking non-stop on their way to Liberty Cineplex. When I saw them, my eyes nearly popped out of my skull. I hadn’t seen them since we left school, and I’d completely lost contact with them last year, since.... Never mind! I shouldn’t be thinking about that. Not when they were back. This was a reunion. We were supposed to be happy! We were supposed to be thinking of the good old days!

...But still, I couldn’t help thinking about....

“Hey, Sandra! You okay?” Alex startled me out of my string of thoughts. “You got a funny look on your face.”I felt myself go red.

“Umm... what are we gonna watch, so?” I said, trying to change the topic.

“Mummy- 6! DUH! That’s what’s on the board, can’t you see?” I smiled. That’s the good thing about Alex. She doesn’t bug the details out of you. Even when she knows something’s going on.

And so we went in for the movie, and I'm sure everything would have gone fine if he hadn’t come along.

We sat in our seats. The lights went off. The movie begun. But I couldn’t enjoy it. I couldn’t concentrate... every few minutes, my mind wondered. Until...

Somewhere around the middle of the movie, my phone buzzed. I flicked my phone open. A new message. I glanced at the number:

077 3142 666

My body stiffened. Leah peered over my shoulder.

“What is it?” she asked.

“One moment, got a call” I excused myself and went out of the theater. The moment I was out of the door, I slumped against the wall. Sweat covered my forehead. I waited like that for a few minutes, panting, chest rising and falling.

Finally, I took my phone out, and read the message.

“Im cumin 4 u.

Get ready ;D”

“Fuck!”

I bit my lip. Not now. Not today.

I nudged the cinema door open. The mummy was kissing Ankh Su Namuhn. How ironic, I thought, closing the door to the scarab beetle-filled mummy.

“Hey, Sandra’s taking a long time,” I heard Leah say. Footsteps come to the door. The hinges swing the door open. “You talking to your boyfriend, or something?” Leah asked. I wish.

“Nope” I said in a level voice. “Leah, go inside, you don’t wanna miss that part.”

“Why don’t you come along in as well, then?”

“I can’t” I said simply.

An awkward silence. People say that ghosts pass when there are awkward silences. How ironically true that is... From the far corner, I watched a grey mist rise. Static filled my ears.

I looked at Leah. She hadn’t moved; she was still looking at me. Couldn’t she sense it?

“Go, please” Desperation made my voice crack. I pushed her away.

A white skeletal arm appeared from behind the drinks both. A red smudge was left behind on the surface. Raw fear burned in me. I pushed my friend into the cinema. “Just get out!” I screamed, my voice unrecognisable. My eyes burned with fear; tears misted my vision.

I turned my back to him. I gagged. He was... so close. So close... how did he get here so fast? How...? pools of blood stained the floor where he stood. He raised his hand. His bony fingers brushed my cheek. It burned. I winced. I’d always thought evil was meant to feel cold.

I raised my own hand and touched the spot he’d touched. Hot red liquid came away.

I looked back up into his face, and immediately regretted it. The white-gray skin was stretched taught across his face. His mouth was a crooked gash, blood pouring out of its sides. His nose was flat (like Voldemort’s, I thought, in a part of my frozen brain which still worked). He had no ears, no hair, but worst of all were his eyes- or the lack of them. They were torn out of his face, dried blood splattered all around it.

I shut my eyes.

“I- I changed my mind. I'm not ready”

His bloody hands reached under my t-shirt and held my waist. My eyes squeezed tighter. My heart thumped wildly in my chest.

“You can’t change your mind” he said. His voice was so mechanical. I looked at him through squinted eyes. He drew me closer to him.

I tried to resist, pushing him with all my strength. “I can’t” I said, “I... I still...”

But he had already stretched his arm into my chest. My heart was practically jumping behind my ribcage. He reached into my flesh, pierced his hands inside, and caught my beating heart.

There it lay in his hands. My very life. Why did I do this? Why did I think that there was no one? Why did I have to feel my parents didn’t care? Why did I feel my friends had forgotten me? Why....?

The cinema door crashed open. Alex, Tris and Leah had come. I winced. There was nothing they could do now. It was over.

“Hmmm... an audience... How nice...” said the mechanic voice.

I didn’t say anything. Couldn’t they see him?

“Sandra?”

Who were they talking to? Then I remembered that that was my name.... how strange it sounded... like it belonged to someone else...

He squeezed. I scream. It was like being compressed into nothingness. ...and then he relaxed.

They were still watching. They couldn’t understand, but I saw the fear in their eyes behind my own pain.

Then he pulled my heart out, so I could see it. Still connected to me, but detached. Dripping... he pierced it with five needle-sharp bones. My eyes widen. My mouth opens in a silent scream. Five holes punch through my body. Blood gushed out. My limp body fell to the floor.

“Sandra, what’s happening?” their voices were so loud in my ears. I turned away from them. Didn’t they get it? This hurt me a million times more than it did to them. I had no idea they still loved me... I had no idea they still cared...

He bent closer to me, and put his arms around my paralyzed body. His arms seemed so thin, yet they were unbreakable. His grip was so tight. He hugged my useless body, and his lipless mouth kissed me, and with that Death kissed me. My eyes stare unseeing.

It was all over.

Comments

Hi Asuntha

I think Rosie kind of touched on it but the story worked on a couple of levels – there were undertones of rape in there that came across from the feeling of helplessness (or am I reading too much into it?). I would maybe limit the number of ellipses, it can get quite repetitive so perhaps think of other ways to describe a pause of feeling of suspense? Also the rhythm feels a little bitty in places with the number of short sentences. Great for suspense but a few longer ones interspersed will help the flow I think. Nicely atmospheric.

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Dan
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Dan Forrester
03/02/2014

I am not an expert critic, but I think I can analyse stories in a systematic manner.

To be honest,

I am kinda lost. The story seems to be intriguing but mysterious too. I am not able to connect the characters. As I reached the middle part, I felt I was lost a bit.

Eg : And so we went in for the movie, and I'm sure everything would have gone fine if he hadn’t come along.

We sat in our seats. The lights went off. The movie begun. But I couldn’t enjoy it. I couldn’t concentrate... every few minutes, my mind wondered. Until...

Somewhere around the middle of the movie, my phone buzzed. I flicked my phone open

In the above lines. I felt you could have expressed the feeling more strongly using less words....

But I have to say that you write in an amazing way, the last part is well written and I was almost seeing the scene being enacted before me! A thumbs up to your imagination!

Good Luck! ::)

--- Neeraj

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Neeraj V Murali
03/02/2014

I really enjoyed it! I agree - leaves loads of unanswered questions! Very descriptive!

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Tracy Morgan
03/02/2014