First Timer

First Timer

“Come on get a grip” I whisper to myself I’ve got to keep it together they said my first job wouldn't be easy. Heart thudding it feels like my chest is about to burst I’m breathing so shallow I almost pass out, sweat is pouring off my forehead and the warm salty liquid runs over my lips. My hands are gripping the steering wheel so tightly it’s stopping the circulation. What have I let myself in for?

I've never done anything like this before but desperate times call for desperate measures. I’ve got two kids to feed and a loving wife Sally who has no idea what’s about to happen. They said all I have to do is carry a parcel from A to B and I’ll get paid ten grand; I’ve never seen that much money in my entire life. Let me explain I’m not talking about some office job I’m talking about drug transportation from one end of the country to the other. I’ve got myself into a right old mess but I can’t back out now, if I do I’ll get both legs broken. Not nice people I’m dealing with so their not opposed to threatening my family either, I can’t take that risk.

I’m dressing as though it’s a normal day only its not, today I’m about to pick up the package. Sally knows something’s wrong I feel it in her touch the way she is looking at me, her face filled with love but questioningly. I can’t face breakfast and tell Sally I feel sick, which is true my guts are churning over and over. I want to throw up, if I do it might get rid of this guilty feeling. I haven’t slept properly in weeks and when I do I dream I’m being chased by the police. I see Sally’s tear stained face as she asks me why I’ve betrayed her. I wake sweating, and there she is staring into my eyes pleading with me to tell her what’s wrong. It’s an unspoken language that only someone who truly loves you can speak.

Sally will never realise just how much I love her and the kids, that’s why I’m doing this to give them a better life. I wouldn't blame her if she left me, after all, why would she want a husband who can’t get a job and is now a potential criminal!

Let me introduce myself, Jimmy Locke’s the name and I’m a normal loving family man but like many others in this town the recessions taken away my livelihood. The company I worked for went bust, I found it hard to accept and I’ve found myself feeling really down. Sally told me to go to the job centre and sign on; can you imagine a proud man like me who’s never taken a hand out in his life forced into this situation?

At any rate I wanted to keep the peace so off I went, have you ever been inside one of those places? Well let me put you in the picture it’s not the most architecturally inspiring building I have ever been in. The poor bloke on the reception dressed like a security guard looked frightened to death and on his last legs! What’s this country coming too employing a pensioner on the door of the job centre? I could have knocked him over with one push if I had a mind to.

“Mr Locke” calls the red head with the largest mammary glands I have ever seen. I jump up, take two strides to the desk and plonk myself in front of her trying to smile and not stare at the obvious. She didn't seem to notice and smiled back, somebody should tell her she’s got lipstick all over her top teeth I muse. Anyway don’t get me wrong I’m no oil painting and at 46 I’ve got one of those waistlines most men of a certain age get. Sally pats it and laughs saying how for each year we’ve been married I’ve gained an inch. Sally still has a smile that melts your heart she looks a little more tired these day and her eyes have a tiny crinkle at the corners but God, she is still a beauty.

The red head is launching into her practised speech, her breasts bounce up and down as she turns this way and that and I am mesmerised, it’s almost hypnotic. I kind of glaze over as she goes through the whole process of taking my personal details have I been looking for work? My signing on day will be a Wednesday at 10am precisely should I miss that my benefits likely to be stopped! It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell her what to do with her benefits after all she acts as if she owns it! But I know I can’t, not with three mouths to feed. I hear Sally’s gentle voice echoing in my ears saying “come on Jimmy it won’t be long before you get a job I just know it” How can I tell her it’s the dishonour of it all, shouldn't I be able to provide for my own family without turning to handouts?

The red head stands up and as she does the swish of her box pleated skirt covering her equally large rear knocks her papers all over. I daren’t move for fear of banging into some part of her anatomy! “That will be all Mr Locke” she dismisses me with a wave of her chubby hand housing shiny red painted nails. “See you in two weeks”

As if I didn't feel bad enough I have to start lying to Sally, she would die of shame if she knew what I was about to do. She keeps asking me what’s wrong, women’s intuition I guess but I can’t bring myself to tell her the truth. How can I when I’m about to break the law, about to risk all that we've built up together over the last 20 years. If I break her trust she will never forgive me. But I can’t let myself think of the consequences otherwise I wouldn't be able to go through with it. I have to keep focused on the job at hand telling myself I have to see if though for her sake.

I’m a fool for getting sucked into this I wouldn't have believed I was so gullible. It’s not hard to see how anyone could end up in a life of crime the temptations are strong, especially for a guy like me struggling to get a job. They target people similar to me by hanging around outside places like the job centre. It starts off as a friendly conversation where did I used to work, how long had I been out of work, did I have kids? Happens over a few weeks really, you think you can trust them but all they are doing is getting information about you, then wham! They prey on your vulnerability to provide for your family and before you know it you find yourself agreeing to move packages around.

Recently I’ve been sitting in the church asking for God’s help, as if he’s going to listen to a big daft lump like me. I’ve got this inner turmoil going on you see, I know what I am about to do is so wrong yet I can’t see another way out. Don’t tell Sally, but these last few days I’ve done a lot of crying I can’t seem to shake off this feeling of foreboding. I’ve been thinking that once I’d completed the job I would put the money in our joint account then run the car off the road, that way Sally would never need to know how I’ve betrayed her and the kids. She’d also get the life insurance if there was an accident, at least this way I’d have provided for my family without her knowing I’ve brought disgrace.

My instructions are, sit tight in the lay by and the package holder will approach me don’t make any gestures or small talk. Take the package and head for London come off at Watford Gap services where a white BMW will pull up alongside me, then exchange packages, my ten grand will be inside a black leather case. When the jobs done turn out of the services and don’t look back, finally open my mouth afterwards and I’m dead meat!

So here I am in the lay by and the car is approaching I can see it in my rear view mirror, fear keeps me rooted to the spot. Shall I turn on the ignition and drive away, just forget the whole deal? I’m not made for this kind of thing for Christ sake I’m an honest bloke, If only I could turn back the clock but it’s too late now. My mind’s racing, I see pictures of Sally and the kids laughing, their voices echoing in my head, my stomach’s turning itself into knots my legs are about to give way but thankfully I am sitting down.

Maybe it’s a mistake and they've called it off realising I am not the right man for the job! I daren’t even look my counterpart in the face. Grabbing the steering wheel my knuckles turn white, beads of sweat drip onto my hands as I hold my head close. I hear the footsteps getting nearer “please God no” I whisper eyes tightly closed.

A hand on my arm and a warm familiar voice enters my mind. “Jim, Jimmy it’s me Sally, it’s alright come on love let go of the wheel. It’s ok Jim I know what’s been going on.” She opens the door her hand on mine feels like heaven; perhaps I’m dead, and this is a dream, but this seems the most realistic thing in a long time.

I open my eyes and she’s there, her face revealing the concerns she’s had for some time. “Sally I begin as tears come, Sally I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to lie I was trying to be a husband and father, make a better life but I was so wrong, I’m not cut out for this, damn it I’m even a failure at being a crook.”

Her tender lips brush my forehead. “Jim there is something you need to hear. I have loved you since the first time I saw you all those years ago. You are a wonderful husband and father, I am so proud of you despite what you may have done. To me you are not a failure but a success, to me you are my strength not a weakness, to me you have done the best you can and I realise since losing your job you've lost your way. Please Jim let me as your wife be your strength let me help you, let’s fight this together just as it should be. Let’s go to the police tell them everything and before you ask how did I know. All those nights you were talking in your sleep you told me the whole thing. I was hoping you would find the courage to discuss it with me I hoped in my heart of hearts you wouldn't be able to go through with it. Then I saw you coming out of the church and I knew your conscience was getting the better of you”

“I don’t deserve you Sal I’ve made such a bloody mess of everything nearly damn well got caught up in a dangerous game. How the hell can you forgive me?” Her eyes shining with compassion tell me all I need to know. “Jim why do you think I am here? I already have Jim I already have”

I heave a sigh of relief, it’s like a whole weight has been lifted from my shoulders and then suddenly I realise.

My prayers have been answered.