Hi everyone. This was my entry for the Joy-themed competition. After the competition I decided to publish it on a blog I write for, and have only now just thought to kindly ask for any feedback. thanks
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Sade clutched her mug of hot chocolate to her chest as she curled up on her favourite couch, snuggled in her bath robe, her feet clad in the toe socks everyone hated, and tucked comfortably under her bum. That same ample derriere which she was convinced the couch had taken a shaping to over the last few months. She glanced at the clock in eager anticipation. Looking at her face, her natural child-like excitement didn’t show. She was a lawyer, and had mastered the art of hiding her emotions. Or perhaps she was just born that way, she didn’t really know. Twelve minutes past four. Couldn’t time go any faster? Simi should be back home sometime within the next 40 minutes. ‘All right’, she thought to herself, downing the rest of her drink, ‘let’s go look at my outfit for tonight again’ she said out loud, swinging her legs off the couch. Putting her mug into the kitchen sink, she walked to her room, tightening her robe around herself. As she opened her door, her eyes fell upon them, lined up on her chest of drawers. Nina, Lucy, Flounce, Mia, Vanity and Honey. She smiled.
Simi waited by the bus stop looking at his watch. Twelve minutes past four. Getting back home before 5pm on a Friday afternoon was only for the truly lucky. Anyway, he was quite happy with himself. He had managed to get through a presentation in front of his research group, and had later been told by the group lead that the funding they were waiting for had come through. This would mean that they would be able to sponsor his PhD studentship once he was done with his masters. He couldn’t wait to go home and share his good news with Sade. More important, he had been able to pick up her gift on the way. Ah, the bus! Finally. As predicted it was very full. He was relegated to a seat at the back, next to an old lady. As the journey began, he noticed her looking at the package which stuck out of the bag he carried with an odd expression on her face. ‘It’s for my sister’ he said. She responded with a smile. ‘Nosy old ladies’ he thought to himself as he laughed inside, not even realising that he was shaking his head.
Sade felt the hot water pouring over her skin, it was so soothing. As she lathered herself her fingers ran over the raised skin on her left elbow. She thought about what that scar represented in the grand scheme of things. Just over 13 months ago she had been rear ended into oncoming traffic. Her head and left elbow had broken through the window of her car. Thank goodness for seat belts. The medics had insisted she receive a CT scan. Sade rinsed off the soap and dried herself. She should probably start getting ready if she wanted to make it to dinner. She guessed it was now four thirty-ish.
‘I know mum, can you believe it? Yes, we’re still going out tonight with her friends. We’ve booked a table for 7pm. The bus is here, I’ll call you as soon as we get back home... Love you too’. Simi quickly hung up the phone and paid his fair for the second bus he always used on his journey. To be fair, one way on his journey was usually 35 minutes without traffic so he couldn’t complain much. He wondered what his next step would be. He would be done with his masters in three months time. This could be the perfect time for him to move into his own apartment. He had missed the crucial period at which most of the desirable places had been listed as available, but that was no one’s fault so no point in complaining. As a PhD student he could probably get one of the nicer studio apartments on the main campus. He would have to speak with Sade and let her know he would be moving out soon, but that discussion could be saved for another day. Today, no, this weekend was all about her. He felt very excited, and glanced at his watch. Four thirty eight. He would have enough time to laze a bit and shower. What a great start to the weekend.
Sade’s wigs always made her happy. She’d always loved to wear her hair in braids or weaves. She looked at her array each propped up on their respective stands. They ranged from a short black pixie bob, to an ombre dark-rooted wig with honey tresses. They were convenient, and her preference for the day was usually dictated by her mood. They all had really girly names bestowed upon them by their manufacturers. She often wondered how the names were chosen, as one couldn’t really link the name to the particular wig by any characteristic. It had never actually crossed her mind to wear a wig till her brother had surprised her one day by coming home with one. Simi. He had always been such an independent spirit, much like herself. They hadn’t exactly been the closest of siblings growing up, perhaps because of their six year age difference. What had mattered though was that when she’d needed him the most, he’d been there for her. Their current arrangement suited them both, even though she knew his pride wouldn’t let him admit it. He had moved in with her just over a year ago, into the luxury apartment that she had bought. Something she would always be grateful for was the rapid pace at which her career had taken off. In four years she had been poached by 3 different law firms, with each change acquiring a significant increase in salary along with stellar work experience. Her current job had come with every benefit under the sun, even those she never thought she’d need. She could afford to let her brother live with her rent-free. She had had to drill it through his thick skull that she would not take his money since he was the one doing her a favour. Then one day he had come home with the first wig. He’d told her he’d seen it in the shop on the corner by the bus stop, where he bought his hair gel from. The fact that her brother, this ‘manly man’ had thought to do something so wonderful for her had touched her deeply. Over the months it became a game of sorts, on a Friday morning he would tell her he was going to buy her a wig. In the evening he would come back home with a lovely one he had randomly picked out.
From this stop he always made the 10 minute walk home. Simi couldn’t believe what a year it had been. Exactly 13 months ago to the day, he had received a phone call from Sade, asking him to come over to her office. He had already started feeling uncomfortable about going to see her, as she would no doubt try to send him off with some money. She had to understand that she couldn’t just throw money at him whenever she felt like it. He was 21. He was a full grown man. More important, he was smart and lived well within the means of his university scholarship. He could never quite understand her way of thinking that just because she was the older sibling and was now wealthy, she somehow owed it to their fathers memory to make sure he was ‘well taken care of’. Perhaps in other families that would be acceptable, but their father had raised them to both be independent. How perceptions could come crashing down in an instant! The moment he stepped into her office he knew something was wrong. After exchanging their normal pleasantries, she paused. ‘Simi’, she had said, ‘I have a brain tumour’.
Sade sat in front of her mirror looking at herself. What a difference a year makes. Aside from the chemotherapy which had induced weight loss, she had made a conscious decision to live a healthier life. Over the past 12 months she had started eating clean, taken up yoga and pilates, and given up alcohol. Well to be honest she had only ever been a social drinker, but the hardest thing to give up was the talisman of all beverages: coffee. Now she found that she didn’t even crave it. Her current craving was hot chocolate. Why had it taken something so drastic to make her realise that a healthier lifestyle was indeed far more enjoyable for her? She traced the mound of skin where her left eyebrow should be. How many people, she wondered, would be as lucky as her? How many people would have had a brain tumour picked up by a CT scan they hadn’t even planned to have? And then after a surgery and only eight months of chemotherapy, be given the ‘all clear’? How many people would be lucky enough to have been supported through this by a work family that were ready to receive her back once her health was stable? Sade glanced at her clock. Four fifty. Oh when would Simi get here? She started to apply her makeup.
The elevator doors opened on the third floor, and Simi jogged up to door number 12, swiping his access card. He glanced at the wall clock as he stepped in. Four fifty two. Not bad for a Friday afternoon. ‘Simi’, Sade called from her room through the open door, ‘I just got out of the shower but I’m decent so you can come in’. He loved how his sister would always tell him she was ‘decent’, as if he would enter her room without her permission. He dropped his work bag onto the living room floor and made his way to her room, taking the package out of the plastic carry bag, and hiding it behind his back. Sade turned towards him. His big sister. Her head was fuzzy, her hair just beginning to grow back. She had only just applied her foundation. She was beautiful. She always had been. Sade looked at her brother and from the look on his face knew that his funding had come through. She was good at reading people, it came with her profession. Or perhaps she was just born that way, she didn’t really know. She wouldn’t steal this moment from him, she would let him make the announcement by himself. ‘We got the funding Sade’, he said, ‘can you believe it? They will be able to sponsor my studentship’. She got up and walked towards him, smiling and extending her arms. He obliged her, slightly crouching his 6’4” inch height to be accommodated in a hug by his sister who was more than a foot shorter than him. During her treatment she had been so frail to hug. Now she felt stronger, and for the first time he accepted that everything would be fine. She pushed against his chest, ‘are you holding what I think you’re holding?’ she asked, conspiratorially.‘Yep’, he replied, ‘this is her’. She grabbed the box from his hands, opening it quickly, taking the wig out of its netting and brushing it out while Simi sat on her bed, chuckling. ‘Oh wow, she is sassy, just what I need for tonight, and my first day back at work on Monday’ she said, as she put the wig on. ‘I thought so too’ Simi replied. She sat in front of her mirror, liking the reflection of the mahogany fringe and bone-straight shoulder length. ‘What’s her name?’ she asked Simi, who was now comfortably reclining on her bed, furiously texting on his phone, no doubt sharing his good news with his girlfriend. ‘Joy’, he replied, momentarily glancing up. She turned back to the mirror and smiled at herself. ‘How apt’ she thought.
And something else you said struck me because I've always struggled with proper punctuation in my writing. I am a Biochemist currently doing a PhD in Immunology so most of the writing required of me over the years follows scientific pattern, but once I'm done with this I am thinking of enrolling in a proper creative writing course. There are so many stories in my head that I really would like to write and I am very willing to learn all I can from every avenue to improve my skills. It is really very kind of you to have taken your time to give me such detailed feedback which ordinarily I would have to pay for. Have a lovely weekend!
Dear Lorraine I am so grateful for your feedback! I hadn't expected such in-depth feedback. It's amazing how many little things you picked up, and they all make sense to me. I will be sure to keep all these in mind for all my pieces to come. Once again, many thanks
Hi, Furaha. Thanks for sharing your interesting take on the theme of Joy. You have a main character who has been through a lot, but the first event was, in some ways, a truly happy accident. This piece tells of the turning point in the lives of the brother and sister; Sade's diagnosis frees them both. The clock theme is a count-down to the start of that freedom.
It could do with some work to make it better, though.
First impressions: the paragraphs are far too long, partially through punctuation error. In some cases they should be broken up by speech taking separate lines, but in others, find a logical break point.
Never use digits for numbers under one hundred in prose. You’ve done this all the way through and it’s wrong.
Let's look at this line by line.
‘she curled up on her favourite couch, snuggled in her bath robe, her feet clad in the toe socks everyone hated, and tucked comfortably under her bum.’ What’s tucked? Try, ‘her feet, clad in the toe socks everyone hated, tucked comfortably…’
‘That same ample derriere which she was convinced the couch had taken a shaping to’ - the couch hasn’t done anything to anything: it’s taken the impression of, or it’s taken the shape from, but not ‘to’. 'derrière' - it's French and needs an accent.
‘She glanced at the clock…Looking at her face…Twelve minutes past four’ – she’s moved on from glancing at the clock to looking at her face; the time should follow on from the glancing, without the interruption. Actually, it isn’t clear who is ‘Looking at her face’ here; if Sade’s looking at the clock, it’s impossible that she should also be looking at her face.
‘Or perhaps she was just born that way, she didn’t really know.’ This line is repeated verbatim in the last paragraph, and if it’s intentional, it doesn’t work.
‘‘All right’, she thought to herself, downing the rest of her drink, ‘let’s go look at my outfit for tonight again’ she said out loud, swinging her legs off the couch.’ This is very awkward: you need to divide the thoughts from the spoken words. You can’t include them in the same line and punctuation. Take out ‘she thought to herself…her drink’: what does that leave? ‘All right, let’s go…again’ – they can’t be both thought and speech. Change this.
‘‘All right’ she thought to herself’ – who else would she think to?
‘tonight again’ she said’ – you must punctuate correctly. There has to be a comma inside the inverted commas to mark the end of the spoken words. You’ve made this error several times.
‘Putting her mug into the kitchen sink, she walked to her room’ – it is physically impossible to walk to her room while putting the mug in the sink. They are separate actions. ‘She put her mug in the sink, and walked…’ - one thing after another.
‘As she opened her door, her eyes fell upon them, lined up on her chest of drawers. Nina, Lucy, Flounce, Mia, Vanity and Honey. ‘ You need to connect the list to the sentence: put a colon after ‘drawers: Nina, Lucy…’
‘Anyway,’ - this is a redundant word – which in a short story with a limited count is a waste. What you may use in ordinary speech doesn’t apply in fiction. Lose it.
‘by the group lead that the funding they were waiting for ‘ – the group leader: not sure who ‘they’ are. You need to change this.
‘once he was done with his masters.’ – as written, one has to ask – who are his masters? ‘his Master’s degree’ – Master’s is a title.
‘More important,’ – you repeat this later, and again it’s a waste of precious words.
‘Ah, the bus!’ - unnecessary moment by moment commentary.
‘Finally.’ - also redundant
‘As predicted it was very full’ - he predicted it would be busy, not full.
‘As the journey began,’ – not needed.
‘he noticed her looking at the package which stuck out of the bag he carried with an odd expression on her face.’ – clumsy wording. The package doesn’t have an odd expression on her face.
‘It’s for my sister’ he said. – punctuation: ‘‘Nosy old ladies’ he thought to himself as he laughed inside’ – punctuation again; you must have a comma inside the quotes to mark the end of the spoken/thought words. Also ‘thought to himself’ - as opposed to someone else?
‘her skin, it was so ‘ – comma not enough here.
'in the grand scheme of things.' Another of those redundant phrases: what does this refer to? It’s just a thing people say, but it’s pointless.
‘rear ended’ – rear-ended
‘she receive a CT scan.’ One undergoes a CT scan, one doesn’t receive it.
‘his fair’ – his fare
‘for the second bus he always used on his journey.’ – lose ‘on his journey’
‘To be fair,’ - no-one has argued the point, so why does he need to be fair? Again, redundant phrase.
‘three months time’. – three months’ time
‘perfect time’ –repetition of ‘time’ – change to ‘opportunity’
‘but that was no one’s fault so no point in complaining.’ - waffle
‘Today, no, this weekend’ - ‘Today – no, this weekend – was all…’
‘What a great start to the weekend.’ – repetition of ‘weekend’
‘each propped up on their respective stands. ‘ – each is singular: ‘each propped up on its respective stand’
‘ombre’ – ombre is a card game: ombré
girly names…the names… the name’ - repetition
‘Simi. He had always’ - she knows who her brother is, and so do we – this isn’t needed.
‘He had moved in with her just over a year ago, into the luxury apartment ‘ – you could save words here too: ‘he had moved into her luxury apartment just over a year ago’; is it necessary to say she had just bought it?
‘Something she would always be grateful for was the rapid pace at which her career had taken off. In four years she had been poached by 3 different law firms, with each change acquiring a significant increase in salary along with stellar work experience.’ This sounds like something you write on a CV or in a job advertisement.
‘every benefit under the sun’ – gross over-exaggeration!
‘had had to drill it through his thick skull that she would not take his money since he was the one doing her a favour. Then one day he had come home with the first wig.’ These two sentences don’t go together; I’d use a new para before ‘Then’
‘where he bought his hair gel from.’ - lose ‘from’: apart from not ending a sentence with a preposition, it’s unnecessary: ’the shop where he bought his hair gel.’
‘Over the months it became a game of sorts, on a Friday morning’ - a comma is not enough here; you’re using it to join two complete clauses that can stand alone, which is wrong.
‘From this stop he always made the 10 minute walk home. ‘ –‘ It was a ten minute walk home from the bus stop.’
'some money…money' - repetition
'More important,' - here’s that repetition I mentioned earlier. If you’re going to use this, it should be ‘More importantly’
‘their fathers memory’ – ‘their father’s memory’
‘well taken care of’. Quotes not necessary; it’s just a figure of speech.
'eating clean' – eating clean what?
'pilates' - Pilates: it’s named after the inventor.
'Well to be honest she had only ever been a social drinker, but the hardest thing to give up’ - Why ‘Well to be honest’? It’s another redundant phrase. The comma after ‘drinker’ isn’t enough, because you go on to mention coffee, which is different from the alcohol you were discussing in the first part.
‘talisman of all beverages: coffee. ‘ – not sure ‘talisman’ is right here: it’s usually an object – jewel or stone – that is supposed to bring good luck.
'after a surgery' - ‘after surgery’
‘all clear’ – doesn’t need quotes.
‘receive her back’ - clumsy
'His big sister.' – lacks a verb, so not a sentence on its own.
'at reading people, it came with her profession.' – comma not enough
‘Or perhaps she was just born that way, she didn’t really know.’ – repetition from earlier
‘We got the funding Sade’, - comma after ‘funding’; the comma after ‘Sade’ should be inside the quotes
‘slightly crouching his 6’4” inch height to be accommodated‘ – by crouching, he’s accommodating her, not vice versa
'She pushed against his chest, ‘are you holding what I think you’re holding?’ she asked, conspiratorially.‘Yep’, he replied, ‘this is her’. You have two different speakers here; therefore you need a different line for each. You also need to change your punctuation. Lose ‘she asked conspiratorially’ – we know who’s speaking, and why is it a conspiracy?
She pushed against his chest. ‘Are you holding what I think you’re holding?’
Yep’, he replied, ‘this is her’. – comma and full stop should be inside the speech marks; if you take out ‘he replied’ (and you should), you’d have, ‘Yep, this is her’: the comma belongs to ‘Yep’.
‘work on Monday’ she said’ - comma after ‘Monday’
‘as she put the wig on. ‘I thought so too’ Simi replied. She sat in front of her mirror,’ – Simi needs his own line for his words; otherwise, you have Simi referred to as She – ‘Simi replied. She sat…’
‘…as she put the wig on.
‘I thought so too,’ Simi replied.
Sade sat in front…’
‘she asked Simi,’ - who else would she be asking?
‘Joy’, he replied, momentarily glancing up. We know who is speaking – there are only two people present, after all. comma inside the quotes after 'Joy'
‘How apt’ she thought. – comma after ‘apt’
Remember that in fiction you should not slavishly follow actual speech patterns or phrases; they slow things down, and many of the things we say are nonsense. Cut them out of your written work.
Every speaker needs a new line for their words or thoughts; that not only helps to break up the visual impact of the page, but it delineates a change in voice. Thus you don't have to say every time who is speaking; the pattern does it for you.
Pay attention to punctuation around speech, in particular. The comma or full stop that comes after spoken words is always inside the speech marks - they refer to those words, not to what comes after, and should therefore be included. You wouldn't write, 'I’m decent so you can come' in. So why put the full stop outside?
Hope this helps.
Lorraine