'You look thoughtful' said Jago
'I suppose I am.'
'What about?'
'You.'
They continued on in silence for a bit, down the dirt track surrounded by heather, the calm blue sea ahead of them.
'What do you think of me?' he asked.
'That you're maybe not a but like the person I thought you'd be.'
'And you thought I'd be rough and sex mad.'
'That's a very blunt way of putting it, but yes. I suppose I did.'
'We discussed this last night.'
'We touched on it last night.'
'I meant what I said you know. I'm willing to wait. We have to live together, I want you to feel...comfortable, with me. I want you to feel safe. Not uneasy.'
'I know. Now. I believe you. But I'm amazed you've planned this whole honeymoon. I mean, it's...well, I don't know if I was expecting anything.'
They had reached the old tin mine and found a flat piece of land to settle on with a fantastic view. For once, there was no wild wind blowing off the sea. The view was fantastic, clear blue skies and the sea reflecting it, with barely a ripple.
'Is this what you usually do with girls?' Carenza asked him as they laid out the blanket and began to unload their picnic.
'Take them on romantic road trips with picnics and hotels and cottages?' Jago laughed. 'The idea that any of them would be interested is pretty hilarious.'
'Why?'
'They were all prima donna's a suppose. Maybe they do like roving around Cornwall and enjoying the scenery. But they didn't seem like they did.'
Jago continued unloading the food while Carenza set out their plastic cutlery.
'To be perfectly honest I never really properly dated girls. We'd go out in the evenings, get drunk and end up sleeping together. That was it really. I think I did it, not just for the girls involved, but because I knew my parents would eventually have me married. I didn't know what to expect but I guess I was trying to enjoy life and meet people and be care free for a bit. I did get a bit bored in the end.'
'Ready to settle?'
'Ready to settle down. I liked you when we met, I knew I would like to get to know you as you. But, it's not anything I've really down before. Y'know, like, dating. I gues I'm trying to impress you a bit.'
He poured them both drinks.
'What about you? Have you ever done this before?'
'I've never even been asked out by anyone.' Carenza admitted. 'Nothing.'
'Seriously?' Jago stopped pouring and stared at her.
'Seriously. I was so quiet I tended to blend into the background. Or was just teased all the time for being so quiet.'
'Kensa told me you'd never had any kind of serious relationship. But I assumed you'd had some kind of experience.'
'Sorry to disappoint you.'
'I'm not disappointed, just a bit surprised.' Jago finished pouring the drinks.
Carenza was looking thoughtful again as she began to lay out the cornish cheeses and deli meats and the salad.
'Tell you what. For a bit, lets forget we're married. We're two people just getting to know each other.'
'Agreed.'
They sat facing the view, helping themselves to the spread and sipping their cornish apple juice, listening to the gulls overhead.
It was like being in the middle of no where. There was not another soul in sight and no sound of traffic at all.
'So, tell me your favourite colour.' said Jago.
'Purple.' Carenza said instantly. 'What's yours?'
'Red. What's your pet food hate?'
'Raw onion. Leaves a horrible taste behind in my mouth.'
'Urgh, I hate that too. I'm not too keen on bananas either. Too mushy.' Jago took a huge bite of his mini pasty, chewed, swallowed. 'What kind of things do you like doing?'
'I suppose I read a lot. And paint. I like cooking and baking. I love long walks that mean I can really admire Cornwall.'
'This is a really good start then.'
'What about you?'
'Well, I suppose I like science fiction. Some anyway. I like driving and bike rides too.'
OK, I should explain:
First of all, some explanation to the story.
The idea is that it's set in a parallel universe. It's the 21st century, but very old style ideals are still in practice, like arranged marriages.
Jago is an only child from an old Cornish family and his parents are anxious that the name and family legacy is continued. He gets around a bit though and takes up with any woman going.
Carenza, is the third child and second girl in the current generation of another old Cornish family.
Their parents have arranged their marriage which they've gone through with , bullied into it by their parents. This is the first day of their honeymoon. Carenza's a bit scared of Jago and he knows that, so he's come up with this fantastic road trip around Cornwall so they can get to know each other.
I have a notebook full of scenes for this story and felt like posting one. I chose this one kind of randomly and I was changing it as I went along. To make it even worse, I didn't bother to proof read it.
Why? I honestly don't know. It was late at night, I haven't really done a lot of writing for some time and I was probably tired and being lazy. I trained as a Secretary my attention to detail is usually really good and I'm normally really good at not repeating words. I don't use Bit that often usually!
I am not really qualified to comment being a bit of an amateur when it comes to writing, but I enjoyed that and would gladly read more.
Cheers!
Hello, Emilia,
Thanks for sharing this.
You have an intriguing scene here: a couple who don't know each other, or indeed anything about each other, are married and on their honeymoon. We have no idea who they are, although Jago is a Cornish name, so we assume the male is local to the county. Why would he assume that Carenza would feel uneasy with him? She sounds quite at ease, actually, or as much as one would in what seems to be a very odd situation.
You have the chance to hook your reader; but it's undermined by the dialogue and the errors.
You call this a scene description, but it doesn't do the job. Cornwall is almost a third character here; there's a 'fantastic view' of some heather, a calm sea, and a tin mine, and some Cornish food. That's the setting - and it's a cliché from start to finish, like 'roving around Cornwall and enjoying the scenery'.
I counted seven uses of the word 'bit' - and it's one of those words that should really be avoided. It's limp, weak, and unnecessary. Lose every one of them.
Don't use ellipses (...) in the wrong way.
'not a but' - typo
'I meant what I said you know.' - as written, this means he meant what it was that he said she knows. Put a comma after 'said', and it makes much more sense.
'with a fantastic view...The view was fantastic' - we get the point. 'Fantastic' is an overused word and is pretty meaningless: find another way of describing the view, and preferably one that puts us there with them, looking through their eyes. Are they really sitting there, with all that's happening in their lives, thinking, 'What a fantastic view'?
'the calm blue sea...the sea reflecting it, with barely a ripple.' - you're simply repeating the same thing here.
'prima donna's a suppose' - 'prima donnas' - the plural doesn't have an apostrophe; 'I suppose'
'Maybe they do' - should be 'did', as he's referring to past events
'But, it's not anything I've really down before.' - lose the comma, and be careful of typos.
'Y'know, like, dating.' - lose the comma after 'like'; as written, it's, like, really, like, annoying
'He poured them both drinks.
'What about you? Have you ever done this before?'' - As this is still Jago speaking, attach these two lines after 'impress you' (leaving out 'a bit!').
How long are these drinks? 'He poured them both drinks...Jago stopped pouring...Jago finished pouring the drinks.' - find him something else to do, and avoid repeating 'pouring' and 'drinks'
'cornish cheeses...cornish apple juice' - 'Cornish' Is there a reason for all this 'Cornish' food and drink? It's coming over as advertising.
'lets forget' - missing apostrophe
'They sat facing the view' - this is so bland! What view? The magnificent cliffs, the tortured volcanic rock formations, the sparkling sea? The back end of a sheep? We have no idea.
'no where' - 'nowhere'
'Jago took a huge bite of his mini pasty' - made me smile: the rest would fall apart in his hands!
'I love long walks that mean I can really admire Cornwall.' - this is stilted, and not natural conversation. Again it sounds like advertising for the county. Surely the long walks mean she gets to know the place: walking itself does not cause admiration in the walker - the countryside she encounters does.
'What's yours...What's your...What about' - this is turning into a list.
'I hate...I like...do you like...I like...I love...I like...I like' - tiresome to read, and leads me to believe that the characters are boring and unimaginative. Do they have no strong feelings abut anything? ' I liked you when we met, I knew I would like to get to know you as you.'
When you are writing dialogue, it's not the same as the way people speak in real life. It has to be relevant and tight. It must reveal something of the characters; and above all, it has to hold the reader's attention. Everything they say here is banale, when they are in a situation that is anything but. Do I want to know more about them? No, because they're lacking in spark.
What you're doing is telling us, not showing us. These are married strangers who know absolutely nothing about each other. Would such people really sit down and list their likes and dislikes? Would they voice those likes and dislikes in such a dreary way?
For me to believe in them as characters, there must be something vital about them. Whether they like onions and bananas, cooking, or the colour red is really not of interest. How they came to be here, on this piece of ground by a tin mine, and how and why they were induced to marry at all, is what matters.
All of this is backstory - the information that you, as the author, know about the characters, and which can colour how they appear on the page, but which is not required to be spelt out. Keep it all in your notes, and instead, let us see inside these characters, to their feelings, their fears and their dreams. Don't risk boring the reader with onions and bikes!
Hope this helps.
Lorraine