They both looked upon the heap that was Clara on the floor as she rocked back and forth.
“They know… they know why…… I don’t know why…….safe…….she was safe…….but she wasn’t safe……not safe…….no where is safe…… no one is safe……” she repeated over and over, barely a breath between.
“How long has she been like this?” asked Bill.
“Since we arrived, about an hour now. It’s like she doesn’t even recognise us. That’s why we called.”
“You did the right thing. Give me a minute with her won’t you? Pour us a drink, I’m pretty sure she keeps the good stuff above the oven, that is if there’s any left!”
With that the two men shared a judging smirk and a knowing nod. Guy left the room, the door clicking shut behind him. Clara stopped talking and looked up. As Bill walked toward her she pushed back until she felt the cold wall behind her. He leaned in, too close for comfort. Clara could smell the old smoke on his jacket and the mint on his breath. She could smell the aftershave he wore, overpowering, burning her nose. He smiled at her, a friendly gesture but she knew better.
“Now then Clara, what ‘ave I told you’about makin’ a scene? I’m not sure how many times I can come to your rescue. They fink you’re cuckoo darlin’. What am I supposed to tell ‘em ?” He moved the wild hair away from her face. She cringed at his touch.
“You could always tell them the truth but then that’s not really your style is it?” She was mumbling through gritted teeth. She wanted to be brave but she knew what would come. She had a good idea what had happened to her sister and didn’t want to go the same way.
She felt the shift of air before she felt the blow. Bill planted his fist firmly on her cheek bone. The searing pain went through her entire skull and blurred her vision. Clara fell back onto the carpet, clutching her face. Crouching down he put his knee on her chest.
“You’ll do well to watch your mouth wiv me. I ain’t gonna put up wiv you much longer like this. You’re a state. A mess. If you don’t buck your ideas up I’ll ave to pass you on to my other branch and you don’t wanna go there do ya? DO YA?!” He stared at her, the sudden silence in the room only serving to make her head pound louder.
A knock at the door brought him back to life and he stood up, straightening his suit. Clara pulled her knees up and rolled onto her side, hiding her now dented face. When Guy walked back in with 3 glasses of brandy Bill smiled.
“Any change Mr. Smith?”
Bill replied in his ‘professional tone’. “Yes son, she has calmed down now she knows I am here to look after her. She’ll be right as rain soon enough”.
Then came the words that would really bring Clara’s world to rubble.
“Be a good lad and fetch my bags in from the car, I think I’ll take the room next to Clara’s, make sure I can always keep an eye on her”.
The silent sobs overtook her now. There was truly no escape now.
Thanks Jonathan, all very helpful. It's lovely to get an outside view as it's sometimes too easy to become absorbed and forget to put down all the details on paper that I have in my head!
Hi Emma - tension and mystery are both great in a beginning and you've got them both here. Your first line should be an attention grabber, and it is, but the sentence structure is slightly clumsy. I think you could easily improve that.
Couple of general things - you've a missing person. The narrative suggests someone else with Guy but we don't get to meet him or her. It might be an idea to mention this individual, even in an aside, so his/her role's a bit clearer. The reader doesn't always have to see, just know.
If Clara had a 'dented' face (smashed cheekbone) she'd be in agony and that doesn't come across enough, IMO. Try 'protecting' her face instead of hiding it, maybe? It's sometimes quite surprising what difference your choice of a single word can make.
Nice beginning - hope it goes well for you and that you'll find these few points of help.