Have you ever watched something and it's terrible, yet it's beautiful too?
Like a burning building.
You can't help but notice the breathtaking amazing bright colours of the flames. The effect is wonderful, exotic, exhilarating.
For a moment.
Then you remember what you're watching. You remember the damage those flames can and are doing. It's terrible. But it's too late, the damage is done. There's nothing you or anyone else can do.
That's what I think of HER. She was the flames that burned down a building. She was the smoke that took your breath away then stopped you breathing. At first sight, She was beautiful and striking. Then I realised exactly, who, or what, I was looking at.
She was called Nancy. A stereotypical beauty. Her hair was jet black (though I think She dyed it) She wore bright red lipstick and a tight black dress and leather jacket, high heels, making Her look all tall and leggy. She looked like she was going out clubbing not hanging out for a day at college.
There were stories about Her. She sought out boys. Some men. At first sight and with a few sweet words, She was in their heads, hearts and very souls.
She worked quickly and quietly. She made them fall in love with her. Then She slowly made them throw away their lives, their futures. They spent every second with HER, and used up every penny they had to keep HER happy. She alienated them completely from their families and friends. She became all they had left.
Then, She got bored. They had nothing to offer Her. Nothing She really wanted. They became clingy and wanted a commitment. She didn't. So She'd cruelly dump them and move onto the next one. It wasn't until that moment of rejection, that they would realise exactly what it was they had done. What She'd done. What She'd made them do. She'd got inside their heads and somehow taken away their free will.
How can someone do that? Just destroy families and entire lives? Leave people with nothing and no one? How can one person have so much control, that they stop you from realising exactly what you're doing? Just for their own amusement?
It's scary how easy it is to manipulate people.
This was the first time I'd ever seen HER.
She made my skin crawl.
She was scanning the room, looking, searching.
Then, She looked over at me.
No. Not at me.
My boyfriend.
No.
He's looking at Her as well.
He's got up.
He's talking to HER.
Now he's left the room with HER.
But not before She looks over her shoulder at me.
A smug and evil look on her face.
She's got what She wanted.
And all in a few seconds.
She's just taken him away from me.
Thanks guys, it's great to get a bit of feedback on this idea. I wasn't able to find someone to give me such accurate feedback before I entered it.
I was a bit unsure on the idea of capitlising She and Her all the time. It's not actually something I do anywhere else. I think I did it in some vain sort of attempt to give the whole thing more impact.
The reason I used a burning building as my example was firstly because, a year ago, a building near where I live caught fire and it occured to me that it was an amazing sight before I remembered exactly what was happening. Secondly, I thought it was more original than the black widow approach.
The rest of the inspiration comes from two places. I read two books recently which included manipulative characters. They got other people to destroy their own lives without even realising what they were doing and the idea of that being possible really freaked me out. The other bit of the idea comes from a film I watched with a woman walking into a room and stunning everyone into silence. I created my own character and a scene like this and it's been lingering at the back of my mind for a long time. I just never developed it.
Hi Emelia, I have to agree with Victoria, But I must say that at the start I thought we were going to be dealing with a neurotic firestarter. The you turned the character into femme fatale with a spiders web. Like the black widow she drew in her mate, then she toyed with their affections, then the final blow, she devoured their soul. It reminds me of that song "The female of the species is more deadly than the male" by Space. Which by the way is a top track.
But you have the makings of a good story and a bad villain. well done keep up with it my friend.
I like this but a few things
1) I think 'Have you ever watched something so terrible yet so beautiful' sounds a lot better
2) I think 'she was the smoke that took your breath away' is fine without the ending of the sentence you included
3) The capitalising of 'She' and 'Her' is really annoying. I understand why you did but don't think its necessary
Other than that I liked this piece :)