A little white kitten with an orange tail and face was hiding under a big leaf in the woods in Italy. The rain came down very fast, he could hear a loud bang and there was a big flash of light in the sky. He was covered in mud; the woods were so wet he couldn’t run without sinking into the ground. It rained and rained. The little kitten was afraid and hungry, his stomach ached; he felt sick and sleepy. Then there was another noise.
Voices and splish splash sounds came nearer. He decided to stay under the leaf. He shivered with cold.
‘Oh guarda, ‘ said a human in a raincoat, ‘è un gattino’
The human picked up the little kitten, and she wrapped him in her scarf.
She had a big umbrella; there were two more humans with her. All the
humans were saying ‘ooh, ah, poverino’ The little kitten was afraid, but he
started to feel better wrapped in the scarf so he decided not to try and escape.
The humans carried him under the umbrella to a metal thing with round black circles. They opened the doors of the metal thing and put the little kitten in a box in the back. He liked the box it was nice and warm, he sat down and looked up at the humans.
Then all of a sudden he was afraid again. The metal thing started
to move and the little kitten did some miaows. One human talked to him in
a soft voice, she stroked his little muddy body and he went to sleep.
When the little kitten woke up he was in a plastic box, it was
transparent; it was nice and warm. There was a blue blanket in one corner
and some sand in another corner. He smelled food, he saw a metal dish and there was water nearby. He drank some water but, he couldn’t eat the food. His stomach ached, he felt sick. He wanted to go to the bathroom. He didn’t know what the sand was for so he decided to go to the bathroom in it.
A human in a green coat came to see him; she had windows on her face. The little kitten wondered why it wasn’t raining; why there weren’t any
sounds from the birds and why there wasn’t muddy grass on the ground. He couldn’t understand why the humans had left him.
His mummy left him too. She went in the woods with his two brothers and
his sister and she left him behind. He walked slowly and he wasn’t well so
his mummy decided to leave him. The little kitten was very sad.
The human in the green coat picked him up and put a metal disc under his
paws.
Two more humans came and put a wet sponge on his fur, he started to scratch and miaow. They were cleaning him, his white fur revealed two
orange spots on his back and another spot on his leg. He couldn’t see out of his little yellow eyes. ‘ha un infezione,’ said the human in a green coat, then she put some drops in his mouth. Very gently, she put him back in
the plastic box. The little kitten didn’t feel well, he vomited and then he
went to sleep.
After a few days another human came to see him. This human had red hair and a dark red coat. She smiled at the little kitten then put her hand in the box. The little kitten was afraid to touch her hand so she sat on the chair and spoke to him in a language he had hadn’t heard before. The
human said, ‘You are a pretty kitty and you must get well.’ Then she went
away. The little kitten was disappointed; another human has left me he thought.
The next day the human with the red hair came back. The human in the green coat with the windows on her face was talking to her. The little kitten watched them, he liked the human with the red hair so when she put her hand in the plastic box he decided to go and sniff it.
The hand smelt of flowers, the little kitten let the human cuddle him, he started to feel safe, he purred, ‘Your name is Dante,’ she said, the little kitten looked up at her with little yellow eyes full of water, ‘you’re coming home with me when the lady vet says you are well.’
The little kitten now had a name and an owner. The human in
the green coat was called a lady vet. Now he was travelling in a box with
some bars that he could look out from. He was on a big orange thing, it was much bigger than the other metal thing; it made a ding ding sound and
stopped a lot. There were many humans inside it. Dante was afraid again so he did many miaows to tell the human he was afraid. The human said, ‘It’s okay Dante, it’s just a bus, we will get off soon, don’t be afraid.’ She put her hand in the bars and Dante felt better.
Dante and the human got off the bus and then the human carried him up some steps, she stopped at a big wooden door and opened it with a metal stick. Carefully she put the box on the floor and opened the little door, Dante sniffed, it was quiet; there were many objects all around him. The floor was hard and cold there was a hot metal object painted white and stuck to the wall under it was a big blue cushion. Dante climbed on it and went to sleep.
Humans call this place a home. It’s a safe place to live where
someone gives you food and water. The human with the red hair is called
Tracey and she plays with Dante, she cuddles and kisses him, then she feeds him. Dante is in pussycat heaven.
I quite like the idea of what you're trying to portray, a sweet little story of a rescued kitten, presumably for children. As a first outline it's fine but will need more work. Here are a few thoughts (which another reader may see completely differently);
- At the moment it reads in a flat way because you're tending to tell the reader what's going on rather than show through actions, which bring a story alive.
- The little bits of Italian add nothing to the story & presumably a kitten wouldn't be aware of a particular language.
- Although you are clearly trying to capture things as seen through the eyes of an innocent young kitten, I find the descriptions confusing & off-putting. 'a metal thing with round black circles'...'she had windows on her face'...'put a metal disc under his
paws'...'He was on a big orange thing, it was much bigger than the other metal thing.' Although good illustrations would overcome this I expect.
- The word human didn't sit right for me & you used it quite a lot. I kept thinking of aliens for some reason! People, girl etc just feel more natural.
I hope that's not too off-putting. Possibly you could shorten it to a few good descriptive sentences if it's to be a picture book? Or lengthen it so that you have plenty of scope to tell the story more fully - kittens are very sensory so actions & descriptions could be built around sights, sounds, scents and so on? Read it aloud, choose your words and construct your sentences carefully. Think about a parent having to read it over and over!
I'll look forward to seeing how this develops - have fun with it & good luck!