I’m the youngest of three daughters. We’ve all had very meaningful relationships forever. I never imagined we’d grow apart. Ann is the oldest with a big family living in Denver. Claire is in the middle, now living in California with her husband and two cats. I’m in Cincinnati, which I’ve grown to like after 9 years here. Even though we live apart we always had at least a couple reunions every year with the whole family. And we called each other constantly, getting in each other’s business, sometimes getting mad at each other, but always being there.
We haven’t had a family reunion since Christmas 2 years ago, and I expect it will be at least a year and a half before we can manage to do it again. Our family was so good at family time, and I miss it.
My 32nd birthday has just ended, just 44 minutes ago. I actually had a great birthday up until 10:30 when I realized I hadn’t heard from my two sisters. My sisters didn’t call or send cards or even text to say Happy Birthday. I assume they forgot. Ann responded to some Facebook posts I left on her page, so she had time and an opening. And I eventually called Claire to give her a chance to remember, a chance to make me pity myself slightly less. I just left a message.
My second trimester of my second pregnancy started just last Wednesday. No one from my family is going to come see my new baby. Not my sisters or my parents. I feel like an orphan. These people have always been massively impactful in my life. But now I’m feeling their loss like a grieving child.
My parents will be on a boat in the Caribbean and I don’t expect they’ll be able to come back until June, when they can meet my brand new 5 month old. Ann will be in Spain. She was with me every step of the way for my first pregnancy, but now our relationship is frigid phone calls every three months or so, and some shallow Facebook messages that are all very public. The intimacy, trust and love that I had with her before is entirely gone. And Claire, well Claire can’t help herself. She can’t get the time off work, she can’t pay the airfare, she can’t right now or later. It’s just not going to happen. She’s never been to my city.
Sometimes I make excuses for my family, but I should stop doing that.
They’ll all be following their own agendas, and I’m just not part of those any more. It seems no one has the resources to keep me in their lives. We’re all adrift among other priorities and distractions.
I want to clarify my intent, because I know this sounds whiney and self-centered, but I am not fishing for false hope or sympathy. I’m past the point of just feeling bad for myself. At this point I’m looking at the facts, including all the efforts I’ve made to reconnect with my sisters and all the failures there, and I’m trying to reconcile. How do I stop getting my feelings hurt by things like my 10:30 realization?
My husband’s family is more than happy to compensate. His brother and sister and parents and Grandma and aunt and 2 uncles all wished me a happy birthday yesterday. His family will come see the baby. They’ll make a 6 hour drive to see us any time we give an invitation. Their fantastic availability has makes my family’s inaccessibility more painfully obvious. Every time we see them, I miss my family. They’re very nice, but all the attention we get from them doesn’t fill the hole my family has left. I don’t want to be adopted, I want my family to come back to me.
If my family is growing apart, how can I accept that with grace and get some sleep tonight? How can I recognize at all the ways other families connect and not think about my family’s inability to do that? I miss feeling important to those people and I don’t know how to move on. I just can’t be Okay with this.
life was meant to separate people, it's not just caused by the cruel life coldness that we may run into often, its just that we all have our purposes to work for and fulfill. don't be sad my friend, it may indeed turn things to better, or it may just get a whole lot worse, and if it does, i urge you to not give it up or grow a heavy gut regarding your family, and remember that they'll love you and i pray that everything is back on track for your sake.
never turn away from the bright side.
What's missing here is the one thing - the thing that caused the rift. What was said or done that came between her/you and the rest? This is all from the speaker's point of view, and it says that this speaker - you, if that's the case - feels maligned and by imputation unfairly judged for something, but that she refuses to face up to it honestly.
'I assume they forgot' doesn't chime with 'frigid phone calls'; the latter would imply a breakdown of communications and indeed of relationships, whereas the former is letting them off the hook, or trying to pretend that there has been no opening of a chasm.
'I want to clarify my intent, because I know this sounds whiney and self-centered, but I am not fishing for false hope or sympathy. I’m past the point of just feeling bad for myself. At this point I’m looking at the facts, including all the efforts I’ve made to reconnect with my sisters and all the failures there, and I’m trying to reconcile. How do I stop getting my feelings hurt by things like my 10:30 realization?'
This sounds like a person wanting to be forgiven; what for? It also sounds like someone not looking at the facts at all, but being very selective, refusing to acknowledge a truth. The facts considered by the speaker are her/your efforts to contact them and pretend that nothing's wrong, whereas there is obviously another set of realities that need addressing.
It's a pretence, a false standpoint. There's a whopping great elephant in the corner of this piece that needs addressing, whcih is the answer to the last question.
One further point: we have no idea whether the two sisters have time for anyone else, including each other: they are hundreds of miles apart and they live their own busy lives. The parents too have their own interests. What is different for the speaker? Why does it matter to her that the others seem to have excluded her from the family (and for what reason), when in fact they probably don't meet up with each other either? How does she know whether she's the only one whose birthday is not remembered?
'I miss feeling important to those people' - but she doesn't address why this has happened, only the result.
Families are not perfect, and they do go their own ways; geography makes meeting impossible, and with that physical distance comes the need to concentrate on one's own affairs, so that past alliances become less important.
The speaker is at an emotional point in her life, nearing the end of a pregnancy, and that highlights family ties and the need to belong to a tribe of one's own. It's a worrying time, and whereas last time she had her older sister to see her through, now she will have to manage on her own (though with all those other people around to call on). My advice to her at this point would be to concentrate on what can be managed - the pregnancy and birth - with the tools to hand, and to tackle the rest when hormones and nerves are no longer to the fore.
There's a secret behind all of this, and the reader is dragged in unwillingly, because the speaker does indeed seem to be full of self-pity. Do we trust the teller or the tale? Not sure yet.
Hope this helps.
Lorraine
Intriguing. I want to read more to discover what caused the rift in this family.