Hello !
Very new to all of this. Have been writing for about 6 months . This is taken from a first draft i am putting together for a novel
Hope you all enjoy it and i would value your feed back !
Thank you
He sat alone.As he stared out of the window his mind was searching. Invisible hands moved through his brain trying to grab thoughts, thoughts which escaped him. As if they were moved by an ethereal puff of exasperation.
His cat Digby watched him. Through dark pools of feline mystique. As he perched precariously on his favourite spot by the radiator. His tail swishing slowly side to side, brushing the heat and pulling away. If we could have seen Matthew through Digby’s eyes maybe we would have thought the same as him.
‘He looks so calm.’
A calmness that to any normal person is disconcerting, to the point of becoming disturbing. The kind of calm that radiates power. Sheer purpose and direction of thought, that stands fast in the midst of chaos and holds its hands up. As if to say
‘Wait.’
He looked up as Digby started purring. Having reached his optimum position of contentment. Purring in quiet satisfaction as he settled into his favourite spot. Matthew smiled and stood up from his bed.
He was a tall man and as he streteched himself out, his palms pressed against the ceiling. The ceiling was low arched into an inverted V typical of many loft conversions. Knuckles cracking, shoulders clicking. Matthew liked the cosiness of the room. With his size, it almost seemed to wrap around him. A comfort blanket of homeliness
He walked over as if held up by stiff posts. A slow, stuttering shuffle over to the window. Absent mindedly, he scratched Digby behind his ears. The sweet spot. Digby’s soft purring became a dull roar of cat satisfaction.
Matthew pressed his forehead against the cool glass and let out a soft sigh. Breathing out he watched his hot breath push the steam off the glass. Producing a new window to the outside. A pinpoint of clarity.
‘Fuck.’
He said as he stared out into that dreary December morning. Matthew barely noticed his neighbours, as they began departing from the long row of terraced houses he called his street. He was lost again. Thinking back to that moment. The moment it had all gone wrong.
©Michael Muttiah 2012
Hi Michael.
I think you have an interesting idea, but there a couple of issues that you need to be wary of.
1. Try not to start a new sentence with a conjunction (*), only one would be acceptable for the small piece you have posted. You have four.
*As he stared out of the window his mind was searching.
*As if they were moved by an ethereal puff of exasperation.
*As if to say
*If we could have seen Matthew through Digby’s eyes maybe we would have thought the same as him.
2) Starting a sentence with an -ing word should also be kept to a minimum.
3) Beware of repeat phrases. Here are a couple I found:
- his favourite spot
- the ceiling
You have an intriguing beginning, just needs to be looked at again.
Sarah :)
I think it's a good start. I had an image in my head as I read through. Just watch out for punctuations though. Keep up the good work :)