A cold winter breeze stirred the English countryside, trees naked of all their leaves, as rabbits skittered intriguingly as they paused, as though listening, before retreating back to their burrow. It was early morning and the dew of the grass made the earth slippery and wet. A dry stone wall either side of the field separated another one , for which an isolated cottage took centre stage. A Grey cobbled path which began at the source of the entrance gate, ended at the mouth of the door. Two men walked briskly through the field adjacent to the cottage , appearances would suggest old hikers with two wooden sticks prodding along with an urge to explore. Both of the men in fact, were 60 and 65 respectively, and on their way back after a mile or so trek, or rather a patrol , of their land which they owned. They were both brothers and they seemed devoted to daily monitoring and seemed to enjoy the experience, even if it enhanced their fitness the slightest. This scene might have been something from an old fairy-tale film; idyllic, even fitting perhaps. The thatched cottage set in the most unusual bet yet prominent surroundings ticked all the boxes if you had the same taste as these men. But in consideration, most could find it too lonely, far from any vicinity and a potential target for burglars. The stone walls were heated by the logs burning on the fire, every now and again spitting embers out on to the scorched hearth, if only it could speak it would tell a tale or two! Features that brought a cold looking room back life. The kitchen had been attempted to be modernised, with wooden beams held up on the ceiling, along with ceramic tiling along the walls. A rusty oak table was covered in an old-fashioned tablecloth, which gave a subtle indication of the occupants age and interests to any visitors. The older brother took off his weary looking flat cap as he turned left into the lounge as his brother proceeded on into the kitchen. 10 minuted later they were both sat down
Hi Joe,
You're setting a scene that you obviously see clearly in your mind, but I think you're trying too hard to be writerly. Write the way you would speak. You can do this by reading your work aloud, when you will be more likely to spot the parts that don't work or sound unnatural. Keep it simple - less really does work better than more.
Every word has to do a job, and do it correctly; you don't always get this right yet. Your punctuation needs a little work too.
I've gone through this closely and made suggestions of changes which I think will improve it. Have a look and see what you think.
'A cold winter breeze stirred the English countryside, trees naked of all their leaves, as rabbits skittered intriguingly as they paused, as though listening, before retreating back to their burrow.' This sentence is too long and involved - too many uses of 'as'. Rabbits skittered intriguingly? Intriguing to whom? In what way are they intriguing?
'A dry stone wall either side of the field separated another one' This doesn't make sense. Fields were separated by dry-stone walls.
'for which an isolated cottage took centre stage.' 'for' is the wrong word; 'in which'.
'A Grey cobbled path which began at the source of the entrance gate, ended at the mouth of the door.' No capital at 'grey'. If you put a comma after gate, you should put one after path, too. They mark an insertion into what would be a complete sentence without it.
'appearances would suggest old hikers with two wooden sticks prodding along with an urge to explore' - this is clumsy; you don't need 'appearances would suggest', which demands the question, suggest to whom? The way you've written this, it says that the sticks are only a suggestion too. Either they are men walking with hiking poles or they aren't.
'Both of the men in fact, were 60 and 65 respectively,' - if you say 'both the men', they have to have something in common. They can't then be different ages. Lose 'in fact'.
'of their land which they owned' - if it's their land, one assumes they own it. Unnecessary.
'They were both brothers' - incorrect use of 'both' again: 'they were brothers'.
'even if it enhanced their fitness the slightest.' Again, this makes no sense - it says they were addicted to monitoring their land even if it made them fit. 'The slightest' doesn't belong here.
'The thatched cottage set in the most unusual bet yet prominent surroundings ticked all the boxes if you had the same taste as these men.' - 'sat', not 'set', or 'was set'; 'but', not 'bet'.
'unusual bet yet prominent' - doesn't work. Why should 'prominent' be opposite to 'unusual'?
'if you had the same taste as these men' - what are 'you' doing in there? This is the author addressing the reader. It's nonsense to say that, if you liked the same thing as these men, you'd like the same thing!
'But in consideration' - I'd lose this: it doesn't add anything to the sentence in which it stands.
'hearth, if only it could speak it would tell a tale or two!' You need more than a comma here.
'Features that brought a cold looking room back life.' This isn't a sentence as it stands; it's a fragment. If the hearth is singular, then Features should be too - it's the fire that brings a cold-looking room back to life. (Note the hyphen there, by the way.)
'kitchen had been attempted to be modernised' - this is not good English! A kitchen had been attempted to have something done to it? No: someone had attempted to do something to a kitchen. You need to change this.
'wooden beams held up on the ceiling' - wooden beams support the ceiling, they aren't held up on it.
'the occupants age' you need an apostrophe: occupants' - the age of the occupants; occupant's - the age of the occupant.
'The older brother took off his weary looking flat cap as he turned left into the lounge as his brother proceeded on into the kitchen.' - weary-looking.
Too many uses of 'as' again: change the second to 'and'.
You repeat 'brother' unnecessarily. 'The older man...as (and) his brother' would work better.
'Proceeded' doesn't take 'on' after it; 'continued on', perhaps.
'10 minuted later' Never use digits in narrative: 'Ten minutes (not minuted) later'.
'they were both sat down' - this is incorrect use of 'sat'. 'They were both sitting down', or 'they both sat down'.
Beware of floating commas - ' to the cottage , appearances would'; 'a patrol , of their land'
Hope this helps.