Irritation

I thought I'd lighten the mood after my flirtation with horror, and before my next piece, which is a bit melancholy.

 

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Minutes of meeting 102,487 - Hell's IIC S&D

 

Chair – Thrakmanneus the Grand

Indentured Scribe – B---x Fartlebe the Lost

*The host is quorate at a number of 445, excluding thraals and familiars*

 

Chair: Thank you for joining us for the Infernal Irritation Committee monthly Seminar and Debate. As you know this is held to invite suggestions for irritating the world of man...

 

/Laughter/

 

Chair: Yes, thank you, the gender bias in general nouns, as you all hopefully know, was one of mine proposed in this very forum before my nomination to the committee.

 

Our first presentation is from Herak The Damned, one of a proud lineage of The Damned who have served so well in the field of possession. Herak, please step up and give us your idea.

 

Herak The Damned (HTD): Cellophane lids, sir

 

Chair: Very well, thank you. Whilst we are not against technical interventions I hope you have researched this thoroughly.

 

HTD: Yes, if I may?

 

Chair: Please proceed.

 

/Handouts distributed. See Exhibit 1, attached/

 

HTD: Thank you. As you all know the modern world is committed to, even obsessed with, convenience. The exploitation of such efforts towards an increasingly effortless life has been a major growth industry for Infernal Irritation and this idea continues that trend further into the field of convenience food.

 

/Murmurs/

 

HTD: Currently food containers destined for heating in an oven or microwave device...

 

/A couple of chuckles, someone says “'Heating', Ha!”/

 

HTD: Yes indeed. Before being 'heated' the consumer must deal with the cellophane lid. Recently this has involved making holes in it with a fork or knife, potentially relieving tension that could otherwise be put to use physically harming or emotionally injuring others.

 

/Murmurs, more approving than before/

 

HTD: I have found a way to increase the adhesion of the cellophane to the container only slightly...

 

/Murmurs are softening, sounding more like queries.../

 

HTD: And instruct the consumer to remove the lid before cooking or, better still, peel it back halfway through cooking so that the contents may be stirred...

 

/The is a pregnant pause.. The chair begins to ask something but hesitates.../

 

HTD: The correct amount of adhesion compared to the strength of the cellophane results in the consumer pulling at the tab at the corner of the container to be rewarded with, not a perfectly peeled-back covering, but instead merely it's thin and useless perimeter.

 

/Mixed murmurs, some approving, the odd scoff, the chair clears his throat.../

 

Chair: It does seem most annoying, but how does this advance to irritation? I can see the delicious frustration of a consumer with a meal half cooked, hot and in need of stirring, frustrated by the delay of an faulty lid, the sudden pliancy of the container, and the odd scald. However, if this happens all of the time surely they will resort to a knife in all occasions?

 

/Murmurs again, questioning, unsure/

 

HTD: You see, I don't propose this occurs every time. In fact my research, page 5 of the handout, shows a frequency of no more than 2 in 15 will produce the perfect balance between expecting the lid to function this time and the irritation and self-recrimination of knowing one should have gotten a knife in the first place.

 

/Murmurs of approval, scattered applause/

 

Chair: Excellent, will let's put it to the vote for further funding and a pilot. Farts for yay, belches for nay.

 

/A chorus of flatulence/

 

Chair: Approved! Thank you Herak, a most diverting prospect. Now, Potelem the Gross with our next idea... This has to do with airline seats I believe. Pot, the floor is yours.