Looking for Susannah

I need to find her.

I know this small bistro is one of her favourite haunts and I am certain if I stay here long enough, I will eventually see her. I thought I found her the other day. That woman had looked just like her: petite, honey-blonde, dimples so deep you could almost drink from them. I talked to her, paid for her iced latte – Suzy’s favourite, even during winter – and got her to come home with me.

I thought I had struck gold. She stayed the night with me, and I was happy – stupidly, obliviously happy. My finger was drawing lazy circles against her skin as she snuggled into me, her skin soft, supple like I had always imagined, when I noticed something was amiss. At first I thought it was her scent that was wrong; my Susannah always smelt like fully ripe peaches and that deceiving witch emitted a distinct lavender odour. How could I not have noticed?

Calm down. Maybe she changed her fragrance of preference.

No! Suzy would never do that. My eyes dart around the coffee shop, nose twitching as I try to distinguish her fragrance. Damn this place. The gag inducing aroma of the roasting coffee beans makes it more difficult to identify her beautiful scent. I wish I had a filter that could eliminate everything but her.

No, I realised – too late – that the impostor was not my Susannah not because of her wrong scent, but because she was missing Suzy’s birthmark.

The first time I saw the birthmark was after we had gone swimming together for the first time, the little crescent peeking out from under her swimsuit. She noticed me staring at it, blushed and ducked underwater to avoid my peering eyes.

I have always liked that side of her, the way she was shy around me even after all the years we were together. All those summers in her backyard, all the whispered secrets in my treehouse. She meant the world to me – still means the world to me – and the way that little wannabe mocked me by pretending to be her…

I had to do something about it.

“Excuse me, sir. Are you ready to order?”

I glance up at the waitress, whose cheeks turn rosy as our eyes make contact. I smirk; all girls are the same. Blind. Eager. Unworthy. Only Suzy is different, which is why it is crucial that I find her again. I don’t know how my life can go on if I don’t.

“Chamomile tea, please.”

“Oh?” The waitress raises an eyebrow, her voice taking on a teasing tone. “I pegged you for more of an espresso guy.”

“I prefer tea to coffee.”

“Oh. Okay, well-”

“That will be all, thank you.” I cannot take any more of this small talk. She looks hurt and I could apologise but I do not care enough about her to do so. She is nothing but a distraction and I must concentrate on finding my Susannah.

I sweep my gaze across the dimly lit room as the waitress shuffles away, a fox whittled down to an injured puppy, whimpering after a mere blow on the nose.

She is not here yet, but that’s okay. I can wait. My worn BVLGARI tells me it is six in the evening, which means I have nowhere else to be and there is still plenty of time for her to show up. I am almost certain she will be here tonight; I can feel it in my bones.

“Your tea, sir.”

The waitress is back, but her tone is notably different to that of earlier. It is icy now, cool on first inspection but I can still feel the heat of embarrassment hiding behind the surface. My eyes flick up to hers and I nod at the table, indicating she should set the pot and the mug down and make herself scarce. I cannot waste time toying with her; I cannot afford to miss Suzy coming and going while I further humiliate this pathetic girl.

The woman from last week had turned out to be just as bad as the rest of them. Desperately begging me to release her, promising she would not alert anyone of my presence when we both knew very well that the moment I released her – had I chosen to release her – she would have bled all the way to the police station, torn dress and all, and told them a madman lived up the road. Filthy liar.

Once I saw that she was not Suzy, I cursed myself for being so blind. How could I have ever thought she was my Susannah? Sweet, innocent Susannah with a heart so pure she would never tell a lie.

I gave her a bracelet once, you know. It was beautiful. Eighteen carat white gold, complemented by three diamonds, perfect for her slender wrist. I knew Suzy didn’t like yellow or rose gold, so I made sure to avoid them when choosing her present.

I had waited until she came over for a night in with pizza and a movie, as had been our Friday night routine for the past four years.

“I have something for you.”

“What?” Suzy had been prepping the sofa for the movie, gathering as many pillows and cushions as she could find and getting our two favourite blankets from the closet. “Why? What’s the occasion?”

“No occasion. I just wanted to give you something.”

“Johnny…”

I could see uncertainty in her eyes, but I chose to ignore it. “Close your eyes.”

She hesitantly did as instructed, eyelids fluttering before finally settling over her eyes.

I was almost shaking with excitement as I fished in my jeans pocket for the bracelet. She was going to love it.

“Give me your wrist.”

“Johnny.” Her tone was a warning, but I chose to ignore that too. No need getting all worked up over nothing.

“Don’t you trust me?”

I watched as she furrowed her eyebrows; I knew she was wrestling with herself, debating how best to answer my question.

“Well?”

Suzy sighed in resignation, holding her wrist out. “Fine, yes. I trust you.”

She couldn’t see the glee on my face as I draped the bracelet over her bare wrist. I thought I saw her flinch as the lukewarm metal graced her skin but I just smiled, knowing soon enough she would be ecstatic over the present.

Fastening the clasp, I told her she could open her eyes. I watched her intently, not wanting to miss the moment she finally saw the bracelet. I waited for her to bite her lip, for her to pry her eyes open because she knew she had to face the situation.

There it was, all I had expected and a bonus: after peeking, her eyes flew open and she couldn’t seem to tear her gaze away from her wrist. I smiled smugly, pleased at her reaction.

“Do you like it?”

“Johnny, I-”

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

I grabbed her wrist, admiring the way the white gold looked against her sun-kissed skin.

“John.” She only called me that when she needed to have a serious conversation with me.

“Susannah.” I tried to make light of the situation but she only gave me a look that said she was not in the mood to play around.

“Where did you get this?”

“Excuse me?” My gut wrenched; she didn’t trust me. She had lied. “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t play dumb with me Johnny. This must cost a fortune!” She shoved her wrist in my face, making me face my gift and trying to make me feel guilty. “You’re just a high school kid!”

“Is that how you see me? As some ‘high school kid’?” I spat at her, the part in me I had tried to contain the whole night finally breaking free.

“You know that isn’t what I meant.” Suzy always did this, going quieter as I got louder. Making me feel worse than I already did. “Tell me the truth John. Where did you get the bracelet?”

“The same place I get all your presents,” was my sullen response. If she thought I was such a kid I would act like one.

“So you’ve stolen every-”

“No!” Susannah had better be careful with her words.

“Johnny.” Her voice went soft again. “Look at me.”

“No.”

“Where did you get the bracelet Johnny? Just tell me. Please.”

“Why do you need to know? Why is it more important than the fact that I got you the bracelet?”

“I-it’s just a bit-”

“What?” I interrupted her, daring her to say the next word. “What is it?”

“You have to admit it is a bit, you know,” she hesitated. “Suspicious.”

That was it. I didn’t mean to, but- no, forget that.

I did not do anything. She is still alive, still around here somewhere. She has just been avoiding me because she is afraid that I will try to give her something like that again. I promise I won’t.

I feel my pockets, making sure there is nothing there but my wallet and house keys. Nothing more, nothing less. No more bracelets for me. No reason for my Susannah to avoid me anymore. She knows I would never do anything to hurt her, not even go against her pure nature. I am more mature now, more in control of my emotions.

“Do you work out?” A voice startled me from behind and only now do I realise I have been staring unseeingly at the entrance of the bistro for the past twenty minutes, lost in memories of my Susannah.

“Excuse me?” I pulled my attention away from the door and there she was.

“You look like you like to hit the gym a few times a week.”

“Suzy!”

“How did you know my name?”

“Oh I don’t know, lucky guess.” If she wants to play a game, I will play along. Anything for my Susannah.

“Okay then, Mr. Lucky-Guess-Man.” Her eyes crinkle as she smiles playfully. “What’s your name?”

I suppress an amused grin. Like you would ever forget me.

“I’m John. John Waters.”

“Nice to meet you John. My name is Suzie. Suzie Cramer.”

Cramer? Is she trying to hide who she is? Or is this part of the game we’re playing? Maybe I should have given a false family name too. No matter, what’s done is done.

“Nice to meet you too Suzy. Would you care to join me?”

“I would love to.” Her smile has not changed in the slightest.

As she moves forward to take the seat across from me, a reflective glint makes me glance down at her left wrist, and there it is: the bracelet. She notices me staring and raises her wrist as she sits down so I can get a better view.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” She is trying hard not to boast but I can hear the pride in her voice. I knew she had liked it when I gave it to her!

“It sure is.” I beam at her, finding it harder and harder to keep up this charade we have running. I want to hear her admit she had loved the bracelet from the moment I had given it to her all those years ago and that her misgivings had been completely unfounded.

“I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging or anything, but this cost,” she looks from left to right, then motions for me to lean in close. She continues at a whisper, “£1,600.”

I stare at her. “What?” Why was she telling me this?

“I got it for a steal at £1,120 though.”

Steal? What was she trying to get at? “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I… got it on sale?” She looks at me in confusion, and I force myself to calm down.

“Sorry, I didn’t hear you.” She still looks confused. “Uh, what would you like to drink?”

“What are you having?” she asks instead, lifting up the lid of my teapot and taking a whiff, crinkling her nose in distaste.

I smile, having already anticipated her reaction to the tea – Suzy had always wondered why I chose chamomile tea over coffee (“or any other tea for that matter”).

“Chamomile tea, but you probably don’t like it.”

She looks up at me apologetically and makes a move to stand. “You’re right, I don’t. I’ll just go order a latte.”

“You don’t have to get up. We can call a waiter over.” That’s strange. Suzy would already have known the bistro’s system, considering it was her favourite place in town. I peer at her for a while as she checks her phone for notifications. Maybe this wasn’t my Susannah after all.

Time for a test.

I call the waitress over and place the order for her. “Can we have a latte for this lovely lady here, please?”

She looks up from her phone and holds my hand appreciatively as the waitress nods and takes her leave after staring daggers at our touching hands.

I want to stare daggers at them too.

She failed the test. Suzy, my Suzy, only ever drinks iced lattes even when the temperature drops below 0oC. She would have interrupted me, insisting that it be an iced latte.

I cannot carry on with this anymore. My gut feeling was wrong; Suzy will not be here tonight. I reach for my phone, pretending an important message has come in and I have to go. “I’m sorry.” I hope she can hear how flat my tone is.

“No, wait!” She grabs my arm, not letting me leave that easily.

“What?” I sigh, looking at her expectantly.

“Do you want to exchange numbers?”

God, this one is as desperate as the rest of them. How could I ever have thought she was my Susannah?

I make a decision in that moment. “Come with me.”

She looks taken aback. I smile my most charming smile at her – no woman can resist this smile.

“I, um, my latte, your work-”

“Screw work. I can make you a latte.” Just enough sugar in the voice to hook her.

If you are stupid enough to come with me, you deserve what is coming.

She is still hesitating, looking around as if there is an answer hidden in her surroundings.

I put on my coat, stand up, throw a few bills on the table and hold my hand out to her.

“Well?”

I can almost hear her thoughts as she comes to a decision. ‘Oh what the hell, what are the chances this man is behind the disappearances that have been in the news this week?’

“Okay.”

I smile as she takes my hand, her green tea perfume wafting up my nose.

“Perfect.”