Some things cannot be expressed out loud. This one right here is one of those rare treasures. Its deeper meaning cannot be found in the melody of a song. It is too complex to be discovered through the rhythm of poetry. Its purpose is beyond recognition to be incorporated into a dance routine.
Like a roaring fire, it grows with every blow of the wind. Its subtle force draws you as its blazing glow bathes its surroundings. It is impossible to ignore its warmth, so I walk around in circles around it, mesmerised. I long to go a little closer with every 360°C I make. I want to feel the warmth against my skin and hear the cracking sound of logs breaking under the heat. However, a ticking bomb cautions me to hold back. I know deep inside that the moment I make contact, I will instantly be lost in its wilderness. I still hold back for I know with vulnerability comes weakness and eventually there is heartache. So I choose to admire from a safe distance, where I can get a glimpse of what could be and still long to be lost in that dream.
However, fear has got my whole being paralysed. I fail to drag my feet across the field to where you reside. My vocal cords are torn by questions of ‘what if’s’ clothed in insecurities. Therefore I mime what is felt within, but you cannot make out the words. For years I have heard of the idea of loosing what does not belong to you. I refuse to go through that kind of ordeal. I do not want it to be the case with you for I would not be able to bear the feeling. I refuse to live with the knowledge that I had been living in a make-believe world. Imagining that maybe, just maybe, you have felt what I have. Yes, I am a coward to refuse to reach out to what could possibly be a good thing, all in the name of fear for failure. I will gladly settle for the stolen looks as I pass by, the smile which melts my inner being and the voice that my heart can’t stop dancing to. I will love you so, in silence until I love you no more
As always, Lorraine gives invaluable advice! I enjoyed reading this short piece and it will definitely be improved if you follow her suggestions.
Hi Angela,
a beautifully written piece and with Lorraine's suggestions, it'll read even better.
@Lorraine, well picked and corrected! I couldn't have done a better Job:-)
Hi Angela, thanks for sharing your short description of a love that is more intense for being hidden - possibly, to the speaker, more real, thrilling, and safe.
A few points, if I may:
'...beyond recognition to be incorporated into a dance routine.' Not sure 'recognition' is the word you want here.
'Its subtle force draws you' - when everything here is about 'I', 'you' is out of place. It's speaking to the anonymous reader, when it should all be kept tightly to the first person voice, especially as this is an intensely personal piece. Or are you referring to the 'you' of the last paragraph? It doesn't sit right, if so.
360°C - this is a temperature, not a circle!
You have a blazing fire, a ticking bomb, and a wilderness all in three lines - mixing your metaphors. Choose one image, or two more closely related, rather than three disparate ones, or you risk weakening the point you're making.
'vocal cords - chords
'questions of ‘what if’s’ ' questions of 'what if' - you need neither a plural nor an apostrophe here.
'paralysis' and 'mime' don't go together. Impossible to mime if one is paralysed.
'loosing' - losing, or letting loose?
'I had been living' - you've gone to the far past in this tense: 'I have been living' would fit with the following sentence.
'can’t stop dancing to.' - not good to end a sentence with 'to'.
'I will love you so, in silence until I love you no more' - I'd put a comma after silence.
Hope this helps.