The Madness of Joy
Suddenly the blood started to pound in my ears while my heart threatened to break through my ribcage. What on earth was I thinking coming here?
I should just walk away and forget all about it but I could see the door and knew that if I let my arm reach out, I could touch its rough surface and it would easily open.
All I had to do now was to convince my arm to move!
I paced the cold wet pavement outside the door again and again, just to confirm my craziness and to feed the starving voice of doubt within. I knew people walking passed must think that I’m a tad nuts but to convince myself to reach out, I had to tell myself this aloud.
My voice said "Come on you can do this!"
But my nerves debated laughing, “don’t listen, there's no way you can" and then an evil cackle erupted and faded.
I stood still now, taking in a deep breath.
"It’s now or never"
Nerves escalating to a high pitched scream, I reached out and pushed the rustic wood door open. It creaked in protest, mocking my bravery.
"Dam you, I can do this. I have too!" I spat the words in determination.
The door quickly became a distant memory as I now faced the mountain of stairs that lead the way to my fate. I ran up the first set of thirteen just to prove a point. Realising I had at least another six flights to go, I slowed down to a steady step, to do this, I, at least needed to be alive. Left foot, right foot.
The tune to Rocky played over in my head and upon reaching the last step I had to fight the urge to throw my arms in the air and jump up and down. A laugh slipped passed my lips, the sudden sound made me jump and I slapped a hand over my mouth, stifling it.
Oh great just what I need, another dam door. However this one was inviting, clean and glossed white, almost surgical. This time the push came easy with excitement finally urging me forward.
To my left as I entered a young lady sat behind a counter. Her eyes left the paperwork that lay askew in front of her and our eyes met. She kindly introduced herself and continued to mutter something but the increasingly loud ringing in my ears omitted it. With an unsteady hand I passed over my money and headed the way she'd directed me to go.
Straight ahead, turn right, second door on the left.
The final door didn't even register as its outstretched arms welcomed me in. The room was bright white with vast windows one side while the other walls were covered with floor to ceiling mirrors. Stepping closer, I looked deep into my topaz eyes that reflected back at me and for the first time I smiled. I then noticed other faces behind me, looking at me and we all had that same smile.
A warm swelling rose through my body, an emotion hit the back of my throat and hot tears stung my eyes. Thirty years it’s been. Thirty years since id left behind this feeling of unadulterated joy. I took the bag from my shoulders and sitting on the cold floor I dug deep within clasping what I was looking for.
Taking them out, I slipped on my old pink ballet shoes, rose up and took hold of the barre. Then brimming with pride I closed my eyes, straightened by back and held my head high as our teacher said the words id missed for so long.
“First position please and we shall begin".
Thanks for your comments all of which have been taken on board & when re reading you're right the grammar is not what i would call satisfactory ( my mother would scold me for sure). My own fault for rushing through to get it out there. A valuable lesson learnt :) im now also off to buy a laptop as think using a tablet just doesn't help either x
Hello, Karen.
Was this your competition entry?
An interesting concept: the journey is marked by the number of doors to be opened along the way, and the destination is not revealed until the end.
You need to go over your work and pick up the mistakes: id should be I'd, for example.
You slip tenses now and then: 'I knew...I’m a tad nuts ' - 'I'm' should all be past tense: 'Oh great just what I need, another dam door.' - 'what I needed' - unless you put this into quotes and make it active thought or speech.
'Thirty years it’s been' - 'it had been'
People walked past, not passed. 'A laugh slipped passed my lips' - past.
'They passed' is a verb, but 'they walked past something' - a preposition. Think of it as someone going somewhere (verb) and in what direction (preposition).
Avoid repetition: 'arm reach out...convince my arm...convince myself to reach out...I reached out...reaching the last step' - do you see the problem?
Punctuation: My voice said "Come on you can do this!" - you need a comma after 'said' (but keep the capital for the speech) and after 'on',
',,,my nerves debated laughing' - this means, my nerves thought about laughing, which is not what you want to say. You mean, 'My nerves argued (with my voice), laughing, 'Don't listen! There's no way you can!' Comma after argued; and even though there's a comma after 'laughing', speech takes a capital, because it's a separate sentence within the speech marks.
'It's now or never' - needs a full stop.
'I have too' - means, 'I have also: 'I have to' means 'I have to do this'.
'I slowed down to a steady step, to do this, I, at least needed to be alive.' Your punctuation is all over the place here. 'I slowed down to a steady step.' That's one sentence, so needs a full stop.
'To do this,' - capital for the new sentence.
Why a comma after 'I'? 'I at least needed to be alive.'
'I slowed down to a steady step. To do this, I at least needed to be alive.' In fact, lose 'at least' - doesn't add anything important.
'A laugh slipped passed my lips, the sudden sound made me jump and I slapped a hand over my mouth, stifling it. ' Same applies: when the part before and after your commas can stand alone as separate sentences, a comma is not enough. 'A laugh slipped past my lips. The sudden sound made me jump, and I slapped a hand over my mouth.' Note the comma. Lose 'stifling it'. It's included in the hand action.
'Her eyes left the paperwork...our eyes met.' - clumsy
Why 'kindly' introduced herself?
'ringing in my ears omitted it' - omit means to leave out; you mean 'drowned it out', perhaps.
'floor to ceiling' - floor-to-ceiling
'I looked deep into my topaz eyes that reflected back at me' - very clumsy: 'I looked deep into the reflection of my topaz eyes' would be better.
'I then noticed other faces behind me, looking at me and we all had that same smile.' - wherever possible, avoid using 'then' - it really doesn't add anything except to make a list of events. This happened, then that, then that...
'looking at me and we all had that same smile' makes no sense: you need to add a comma after 'me'.
'I took the bag from my shoulders and sitting on the cold floor I dug deep within clasping what I was looking for.' - punctuate this or change it. Also you can't clasp what you're looking for, only what you find.
'straightened by back' - 'my back'
'First position, please, and we shall begin.'
It's not enough to write down your story: that's only the beginning. It's like cutting a piece of wood from a tree, full of splinters and knots in its raw state. If you want to be able to sit on it without ruining your clothes, you have to refine it, and polish it, and get rid of all imperfections.
If your work is for a competition, it's got to be the best it can be in order to be considered for the prizes. Judges really don't make allowances!
Nobody knows all the rules upfront - you have to learn them. Keep writing! You had a great idea with the doors and the steps, especially as this is about ballet, and steps of another kind. You take your reader on a journey. With a little attention to what you've written, you'll make the journey all the more enjoyable.
Lorraine