Hi All,
The following is a genuine conversation I had with my wife. It’s not a story as such but thought it might bring a smile to someone’s face. I hope it brightens your day.
One day I was alone in the house, painting the bathroom when out of a clear blue sky the phone rang. I answered the phone.
“Hello?”
“What what” came the reply from the caller, I recognised the voice on the other end as my wife. I would need more information. My response was the obvious classic schoolboy error.
“What?”
Confusing my failure to understand for a failure to hear correctly she repeated her opening line, only slightly louder.
“What what”
I was no further forward. Was this a question or a statement? I realised that repeating my question of ‘what?’ would probably only draw the same response from her and lead to a situation which may go on for some considerable time. I decided to change tack. I decided to repeat her opening line thereby proving that I had heard correctly but needed more information. Genius.
“What what”
Her tone of voice betrayed her rapidly failing patience. In our marriage, conversational tardiness was right up there with adultery – not to be tolerated at any cost. I was on the back foot.
“What what is it?” came slow and deliberate reply.
I was no longer on the back foot, now I was holed below the water-line and listing heavily to starboard in the middle of a freezing ocean with not enough lifeboats for all souls on board. What could I pull for the latest instalment? ‘What what is it?’ I had no idea, is it what? I had to go in again. Fearing the worst I went with the only thing I could.
“What what is what?" This was getting ridiculous.
I could hear her teeth grind. She must have remembered at this point that she was dealing with an imbecile and would need to offer an escape route for this poor simpleton.
The volume increased slightly, the delivery was slow and purposeful.
“What wattage is it?”
A HA! Wattage! I know this! Wattage is an electrical term used to indicate power of electrical items. There was hope. The RMS Carpathia had picked up my distress signal and was at this moment steaming all-ahead-full to my rescue. I searched my mind for any conversations we had had in our twenty-two years of marriage, all conversations had to be kept on file indefinably for immediate recall. Luckily I started with recent history, I remembered that this very morning we had a conversation about needing a replacement light bulb for the bathroom; light bulbs are electric and are rated in watts! I was saved.
“Light Bulb!” I declared triumphant, “What watt!”
“Yeeeess” came the reply.
Flushed with success I studied the failed bulb. “50 watt” I proclaimed, beaming broadly.
“Thank… You” The phone went dead.
Alone in the bathroom I couldn’t help but think that if a man had initiated that phone call his opening line would have been;
“What wattage light bulb do we need for the bathroom?”
Sometime later my wife arrived home. She tossed me a pack of two light bulbs, I scanned the pack. GU10 – 50 watt. I smiled to myself.
My wife turned on her heel and marched out of the bathroom, as she went she quipped,
“I’ll phone Toad Hall and ask about that thingy.”
Oh God…
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