Mercurial Madness

CHAPTER 1

“How are you Jane?”  They were sat in a pokey room just off her GP’s main waiting room area – Jane always felt ill at ease in here despite the length of time she’d been coming.  The magnolia walls felt particularly crushing today and were playing games with her eyes, where the walls really coming to meet her?  She felt mildly unsteady despite being sat down.

“Tuesday, you’re a lovely woman, although you do wear some curious outfits, but you always ask me that at the beginning of every session, and if I had one criticism of you,” Jane sweeps her arms around to indicate the whole room” of this - “it would be that question.”

Tuesday made a quick mental detour to recall what she was wearing today, having gotten dressed in a rush this morning between missing her alarm and being barked at by James, she wondered if she had dressed back to front.  She definitely remembered brushing her hair with some force actually, and her usual relaxed fat plait was like a taught ginger rope over her left shoulder.  She snapped her attention away from this morning’s pantomime and considered her patient as well as her words, both seemed a little spikey today for want of a better word. “A criticism?  I’d like to accept that as feedback, and useful feedback at that.  Am I hearing that you feel trapped perhaps, by that question, or this room?”  Tuesday mimicked Jane’s gesture spreading her palms to the room.

Jane was caught off guard this woman is a fucking mind reader, she defensively shot back “Week in, week out, how are you?  There is no longer an element of surprise to the start of our little tête-à-tête.  In fact...” Jane raises a finger and eyebrow in unison “I have started rehearsing the answer several hours before I get here!” Then she shook her head and said “Trapped, hmmm” raised a finger to her lips in faux ponder and laughed.

Ah humour, always hiding behind humour thought the therapist. Tuesday watched as Jane adjusted the tissue box to run parallel with the edge of the desk, something she always did when they get too close to something or if Tuesday manages to hit the proverbial nail on the head - “Trapped?” Tuesday repeated softly.

Jane unconsciously took the invite and continued to speak but this time with slightly more focus, “Not so much trapped as bored,” Jane looked down and started picking at her nails.  She had real issues maintaining eye contact and today was no exception yet she had honed the skill of nail picking to a fine art.  She could stop just before the point of bleeding.

Tuesday inwardly cringed at the thought of the pain as she watched this little piece of avoidance theatre but played along, after all Jane was the leading lady in her own life, but she wasn’t going to let her get away too easily. “Bored?” she questioned. Then, when the silence was deep and cloying, she said “Jane, I’m feeling a little nervous and I’m not sure why,  I wonder if that’s your current state that I am experiencing, can I just clarify how you are feeling”

Jane’s took a second large intake of breath. “Bored” she repeated still engrossed in her lap and now stinging fingers, this time she was not so willing to fall into one of Tuesday’s traps.  She knew damn well what Tuesday was doing, trying to feel out her current state by naming feelings and chucking them at her...can I just clarify my arse she thought.  Tuesday shifted in her chair, unsure how her client was actually feeling today other than prickly and not quite here, welcome to my bloody life she thought – you don’t have the monopoly of feeling bored and trapped you know.  She shifted again to shake off this morning’s shadow and tried another tack – “So are you suggesting I open our sessions with a different phrase?”

“Yes” Jane claps her hands together making Tuesday jump – “we are getting somewhere, my therapist makes a breakthrough!” She immediately felt guilt at her over the top show of sarcasm but never the less waited for her Tuesday to continue.  Tuesday disliked the way Jane referred to her as her therapist – so Jane did it all the more.  Tuesday managed to compose herself but was a little brusque as the shadow she was shaking off had just been torn off like a plaster when Jane startled her – she realised she was struggling to be in the now. “What phrase would you suggest?” Tuesday snapped thus putting the ball firmly back in Jane’s court.

“I don’t know” she pouted, “I’ve not thought about it – how about, what have you been up to over the last week, have you been anywhere nice since I last saw you, are you well, have you had sex!!? I don’t know.”

Tuesday regarded Jane closely, something she could get away with due to Jane rarely looking at her – todays little outburst sent Jane’s gaze about the room haphazardly like a ping pong ball eventually allowing it to settle above Tuesdays left shoulder after this last little rant. 

“Aren’t they doing things?” Tuesday asked.

“Doing things?” Jane repeated.

“Yes as in what have you been up to, where have you been, are you well, they could possibly pass as openers to our sessions I suppose, but have you had sex is a doing word.”

Jane was now looking quizzically at the realigned tissues, “And your point?”

“My point is we have 50 minutes together, and telling me what you have or haven’t been doing is really very interesting however, we are not here to make conversation.  I know this may appear confrontational Jane but I think our relationship is blocked.  I feel you are trying to divert me with the subject of the opening of our session, but I know you know this and you will have thought about it as you think about the opening to this session several hours prior to getting here.”

In the stunned silence that followed, Tuesday could see that Jane had been caught off guard and she could also see that Jane knew Tuesday knew it.  Jane’s shoulders dropped imperceptibly and she readjusted the tissues pushing them further up the small table.

Tuesday broke the heavy silence with a delicate cough, “So, how are you Jane?”

“Pink, an insipid, blancmange type of pink” – Jane shot back - “if I was weather I’d be a lazy wind, I’m about number 4 out of 10 and if I was a plant I’d be a holly.”

Ding Ding, round two Tuesday thought but instead said, “Interesting,” and leaned slightly forward and watched as Jane shifted slightly backwards in her chair – “so would I be right in saying you are feeling isolated, unable or unwilling to reach out and not quite knowing why with a side order of anger or confusion?”

Jane reacted by leaning further away into the back of her chair and with feigned shock retorted “And this, ladies and gentlemen is why I pay her so much – nail head has been firmly struck.  Don’t know how you got there but well done – should I just go now?? – by the way, call your snake off – it’s invading my space”

Tuesday laughed gently and settled back into her chair undoing the elastic holding her taught snake in place, she felt her scalp relax in thanks as she re-braided her hair, “You don’t pay to come to see me - how long have you been coming to see me?”

“Evidentially too long – we are becoming each other’s bad habits – soon we’ll be finishing each other’s...” 

Deftly ignoring the open invitation Tuesday instead held Jane’s gaze, both women had connected for a brief moment and everything seemed to shift.  The realisation that she was making eye contact had a lightning effect on Jane.  She leant forward and put her head in her hands, her long brown hair drifted over them, after a moment she sat back up and looked at Tuesday through cobwebs of hair, took a deep breath and started spraying out words like machine gun fire.

“How am I today?  Confused, I think” Jane gave a small laugh at the irony of what she had just said. ”A combination of things,” She continued without prompt “an old colleague has contacted me through Facebook and it has affected me.  I don’t even know where to start, there are thoughts, ideas and old feeling like a cloud of locusts buzzing in my head and none of them will land so I can straighten them out.  It’s so noisy in there I can’t think!!”  She puts her hands to her ears and closes her eyes like a child not wanting to hear her teacher’s response.

“This distraction is making you feel irritable and confused?” Tuesday offered, loudly.

Jane opened one eye, “Fuck yeah, der! – And there is no-one I can share the thoughts with because I shouldn’t be having them at all and they are constant.  When I go to sleep, as I wake, when I’m brushing my teeth – ha! The irony of that!” 

Tuesday look perplexed but repeated “The irony.”  Jane was on a roll, the verbal floodgates had opened, she was talking so fast now that Tuesday was finding it difficult to keep up, Tuesday furrowed her browns in concentration and focussed on Jane as she spoke.  Jane shook her head irritated by Tuesday repeating her words, and dropped her hands to her lap in exasperation – they both knew this exercise in repeating words was a good way to encourage Jane to continue without “in your face” questioning.  Reluctantly, Jane continued “A deep seated 20 plus year crush on an unobtainable man has come back and sunk its teeth firmly in my arse. Yes I feel isolated and very silly having semi naughty thoughts and an ache like a bitch about a man from my past.  Unpack that!”

“Okay,” Tuesday drew the word out giving herself thinking time, “shall we unpack it together, give it a time line and see where we get? We have 35 minutes left and can make a good start.  I can’t solve this for you but maybe together we can see where it’s going.”

Jane stared at her, Tuesday’s heart skipped at this breakthrough – eye to eye contact had started, and despite this time it being a look of incredulities, Tuesday felt they had connected. “It’s going nowhere Tuesday, just like it hasn’t gone anywhere for the last 20 years, just in and out of focus.  I worked with Rory, that’s his name by the way,” her speech had slowed a little now, “for actually if I’m honest, but it felt like we were equals. Although I fancied the pants off him I was quite happy in the knowledge we were friends more than colleagues, I was his “favourite” and we shared things you know, thoughts and feeling?  We were close, like brother and sister and I was happy to be with him 5 days a week.  He was good to me but I think I hurt him.”  She paused, staring into the middle distance where nostalgia caught her, then after a while said “it’s all very fuzzy – he was very good to me.”

“He was very good to you” Tuesdays trick again, but both women where quiet and still, Jane’s speech had been rapid and touched with sarcasm till this point, and when she next started to speak it was like she was in a dream.  Talking with a fatigued tongue she explained how Rory had paid for her training to become a qualified dental Nurse, along with her registration. He gave her extra holiday money which she wasn’t sure the other staff received, Christmas bonuses too, silly things like letting her decide which uniform style to wear, input on the design for the practice logo even.

Tuesday could see she was losing Jane to her past and had to reign her in without losing her trust. She needed to hear feelings and emotions but currently she had a monologue to wade through.  Jane was clearly externalising thoughts that genuinely had to be unpicked, but time was seeping away and Tuesday needed Jane to focus.  “Are you able to tell me briefly, what happened?”

Jane surprised her and got immediately to what she thought was her point, “He met someone, simple as.” Jane was matter of fact at times and so could hide a great deal behind her acid tongue.  “Go on.” Tuesday encouraged.