Chapter 1:Rob Taylor sat in the scalding heat of school playground.This being his second year at Rivdale secondary he was 12.He scratched his scruffy black hair as he read a thrilling Agatha Christie murder mystery.As he pieced the puzzle a 2002 worn out world cup ball bounced off his head.Andrew Jackson shouted, "Pass the ball,Rob." "I will,Johnson.he exclaimed as he swerved the ball towards Johnson's net scoring a goal that was counted.A scowling Andrew marched away to argue with the referee."That'll teach you not to mess with me.'',he screamed as he went back to his book.As he finished it he had known whodunnit since the evidence section.Another great read he thought.Sometimes he wished he could be a spy or detective solving thrilling mysteries as well as facing baddies in duels with knives and guns but he thought fate had someting else in mind. Chapter 2:He walked across to the library his jacket resisting te cold winds of the autumn afternoon.He was stopped by the hyperactive librarian :Mr Collins.Whilst he cleaned his beard he quickly enquired,''Going to the library,Mr Taylor.Well no can do.They're refurbishing it with some Wi-Fi doodah.By jove what are you reading.Rob replied,''Murder on the orient express.''Mr Collins called it a feast for your eyes.Suddenly a man wearing the full banana came and took the talkative librarian away.Rob took a big breath and dashed home.The 2 week holidays had begun but he did not know the surprises it would bring. Chapter 3:Rob rushed to his best friends(also neighbours) and told them he could go home with them after all.They held strong smiles as they got on the bus.It was crowded but Rob,Jack and Alexei found some seats right at the back.Jack had a strong scottish accent and he was one year older than Rob as he had started schoolat 5.They were inseperable in the same classes for everything.Jack asked Rob whether he and Alexei could come over to his house on Monday.Jack's accent was so broad that he pronounced Alexei as Aletsi and Monday as Munday.Rob nodded as he knew his voice would be drowned out by the revving of the engine.Alexei had first met Rob and Jack only 2 years ago in Y6.The 3 had become a triplet.Alexei had a faint Russian German hybrid accent.He worked hard and amazingly.He was not as gormless as the others as he gestured to them when their stop came.They rushed to their houses they were officially on holiday.
Umm maybe combine the first two sentences. '… sat in Rivener Secondary school playground' gives it an immediate setting.
Keep writing!
Maybe also try to decide on whether it's set in the Summer or Autumn.
"Rob Taylor sat in the scalding heat of school playground"
"He walked across to the library his jacket resisting the cold winds of the autumn afternoon."
One or the other really. I know our British weather does have a tendency to be a little "variable", even "unpredictable", but this is pushing it somewhat.
Saying that, I did find it all immensely entertaining! Thank you!
As is, it's impenetrable, Balal. You need to use space! Space after a comma, and after a full stop; new lines for each speaker; new line for new paragraph, and definitely for a new chapter.
'"I will,Johnson.he exclaimed' - if you used an exclamation mark - Johnson! - you wouldn't need 'he exclaimed'. Andrew Jackson spoke, but Rob answered 'Johnson'? Confused!
'hyperactive librarian :Mr Collins' - .should be 'hyperactive librarian, Mr Collins.'
'he quickly enquired,''Going to the library,Mr Taylor.' should be, 'he quickly enquired,''Going to the library, Mr Taylor?' - it's a query, therefore it requires a question mark.
'They rushed to their houses they were officially on holiday.' - this isn't a sentence; it's possibly two.
Scottish, not 'scottish'
Don't use numerals in text - 'two week holiday'. twelve, not 12; but 2002 for the year is fine.
This is aimed at a children's market, so the need to break it up is even greater - a child would get lost in such dense text.
Keep writing - and spacing!