It was my first date with him. Before meeting, I tried to collect all the information about him. Whatever I could collect was that he is charming but has a very cruel face inside. He told me before meeting that it can be really dangerous to be in his company but I took the challenge and told him that in couple of months I will win his heart.
The moment I entered in the decided premises, I saw him. He was as gentle as ever. He gave a witty smile. I was so lost in his smile that I could not realize that he is going to test me in the very first meeting.
Following the etiquette, he welcomed me gently. His touch made me feel that I have to be very careful in his company. Although I was careful, but still after few minutes I felt that it was just my perception that he is tough to win personality and my this attitude gave him a chance to play his first trick.
While our feet were playing with each other, an ankle bend made me fell in his arms. His arms were hard. I felt that his grip is getting hard. I thought he will leave me in a couple of minutes but I was wrong.
He was behaving rude. I told him that your grip is hurting me. Suddenly he hugged me so tightly that I could not breathe. I tried hard to escape but all in vain. My hands were moving for help but no one could hear me or see me as it was a private place where people come to enjoy. No one really bother what you are doing.
I was trying hard but he took over me so silently that I could not understand or do anything. Finally I stopped my efforts as I could realize that nothing is going to work. The moment I surrendered, he released me. He brought me in an open space, where I could breathe properly.
He was still with me in the same gentle way and stood by me till I was back to my senses. I asked him, ‘why you did this to me?’. He was looking into my eyes. Very politely he replied I need you completely. You have to trust me blindfold by the time you are with me. Trust me I won’t let anyone harm you. You will be safe and feel proud. That’s my promise and that’s what I expect from my partner.
This is my way of loving. I need you to trust me and I will be all yours.
This was my first date with water at swimming pool. My first swimming class!!!
thank you very much Debbi and Alice.In my next writeup i ll try to work on the above mention points. :)
Hi there!
I think that the idea behind this is quite clever, but as with all flash fiction that ends with a twist, I think that more clues need to be dropped throughout the story. When I reached the end it was almost so much of a surprise that it didn't have enough impact. If you add in more hints, and make the reader feel that the twist was inevitable, it could work well. Unless of course I have completely misconstrued this, and the man really is a man after all.
I also agree with Debbi's point about the language. Some of the sentences contain a lot of clauses that sound clunky when stringed together - but on the whole, you convey the meaning and use some good description. Good luck, and well done :)
Well, you should decide whether to write in present or past tense and stick with one. Jumping between the two is distracting and clunky.
Also, is English not your first language? Nothing wrong with that of course, but it is very difficult to write in a foreign language. You use words that sound stiff and formal and stilted. For exampleL "The moment I entered in the decided premises". Why not just say, "When I arrived at our chosen venue/pub/restaurant" or something along those lines.
Keep it simple.
It was not clear to me exactly what he was doing to you. Too cryptic.
I do not understand what an "ankle bend" is or how it could make you fall into someone's arms. Presumably you were playing "footsie" so would be sitting at a table.
Some stuff you need to think about here.
Good luck!